life sentence

[doubleM]

a few days ago i bumped into somebody i used to work with about a year ago. i parked beside her car, though she was in a different car and i didnt recognize her at first. i was still inside my car when she got out and walked past my car. she turned and looked right at me, i know she saw me. but then she quickly turned away, looked down at the sidewalk and smiled with what looked like a held back laugh. i dont know what was up with that. no wave, no hi, nothing. i was about to wave until i saw her do that. anyway i just went about my business and casually drove away.

im not sure how to take that. if it was an oh crap thats him look or whatever. it felt like she was laughing at me...for what reason i dont know. i know i shouldnt let things like that bother me, but the fact is it does.
i dont feel that i deserve to be treated like garbage but thats what i get. ive dealt with treatment like this my entire life. i just dig down and keep going. its just hard when people treat you that way and you know thats the treatment youre gonna get for the rest of your life.
as i drove off i said to myself, "Hi Brandy........oh im doing just fine thanks for asking!".

social phobia itself does not plague me as much as not being able to understand others. its like a life sentence of feeling left out and unloved. ordinary people without these problems have no idea the unmeasureable amount of resolve it takes to keep going. i wish i knew what it was in me that people hate. im way more outgoing than i used to be. i make the effort to talk to people but its like im not in tune with them, theres no connection. some people do like me but they are few. i hate spending all my time alone, i wish i could change it. but no matter what i do i cant change the way people feel about me. i dont need the approval of anyone to love myself, but we all want company, friends, and to feel accepted.

 

[Bittersweet]

Believe it or not, I've typed and deleted my response several times, because I wanted to convey just how much I understand what you are going through and I wish I had the right words to give you encouragement and lift your spirits.

My heart goes out to you, and please just know, that you're not alone.

 

[Paahi]

I'm sorry to hear that. Not understanding why these things happen is very hard.

 

[kihira]

This type of situation is very hard to interpret correctly, we tend to fill in the gaps and think the worst. There are numerous possibilities for what was going through her mind. There was probably nothing to it.

 

[drganon]

Eh, screw her. She sounds like she was a major bitch anyway.

 

[BloodSugar]

I agree with Phocas. It's very easy to misinterpret. You never know, maybe she saw you and thought she mistook someone else for you and was laughing at her mistake. Or something else silly.

 

[bigcat1967]

Perception - it's all about perception.

Maybe it could be you that is thinking that she is laughing at you. I know that I still have a hard time with things like that and I just tell myself that I am seeing things differently and that I don't need people's approval. If they are laughing at me - then screw them - I really don't care.

 

[ilovenoodles]

ordinary people without these problems have no idea the unmeasureable amount of resolve it takes to keep going.

Well said. Reading this sentence made me feel so emotional in a good way, if they only knew.

 

[we_r_eternal]

i feel the same way- and get the same treatment-

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

I agree with this. I tend to do what you did in that situation and assume the worst. But there have been times where I was sure that somebody meant to insult me and I found out later that there was more to the story then I knew.

Today I was standing in line for the copier machine when another person who works in the building, but not in my department, came along and looked like she was going to cut in front of me in line. I asked her, "Do you only have one page?" And she barely acknowledged me with a nod and a frown. I got that familiar pang of hurt mixed with anger. When it was my turn I told her to just go ahead as I had a lot to copy. I felt the wheels turning in my head, you know, when you start the process of analyzing the insult. And then I remembered, this girl always looks like that. She's always serious and frowning and muttering angrily about things. It wasn't me, it was her. But for that minute I had really taken it to heart the way she treated me.

This is why we can retrain our thought process. Thoughts/attitudes come before feelings. I mean - I know I've been that person - angry with self, down, scared to socialize, how does that come off? Not trying to be insulting or curt to the other person -

Our minds naturally fill in the gaps or try to but if you have a negative process and low-esteem it'll always spin most things to being worse or more personal than they probably are in reality. Ultimately if can get saddled in perceiving our own "realities" by filling in those gaps with our own biased thoughts/attitudes.