Apple Strudel
Well-known member
Last night, I just got back from a game of fun and laughter with my relatives. Me and my cousins plus one aunt was playing throughout the day with cards and 'camp games'. It was never boring and time seems to pass by too quickly.
But what I've noticed is that there were a few moments of awkwardness, like for example, I sat behind two cousins and they were playing card games yet they didn't even bother to turn around and ask me, instead they asked my other cousin who was busy walking around and she agreed and played with them. What's more, when I was excited and talked a lot more, many of them were ignoring me. Worse, I even had one anxiety panic at a short moment and I suspect when they stopped the game because they actually noticed it.
I have to admit I have SA and not surprisingly, I am always so deathly quiet and never converse with them whenever I met up with them. Instead, my sister is friends with them and they even hang out together.
I don't have a social life and hardly talk to people in real life. In school, there are like only 5 people and well, they are all very distant with one another. Why? Because this is a very small private school with no facilities, no counsellors, no student groups, nothing. Also, I am 22 and now having my major exams so I am out of job atm.
I actually didn't want to go to this school but because at that point of time, I wanted to enter into a local polytechnic so I am left with this option is either I take it and try my best to get a decent gpa to get into my desired school or none. But seriously, now I doubt whether this certificate can get me into the school because I am taking it privately and certificates like that are probably not comparable to that of a public one. What's more, it is a lower-tier certificate to enter into this local school.
I took it because it was short (they cramp everything into a year) But the fees are sure god damn expensive. So now, I have to study or I would have wasted part of my parents money.
But because of my doubts, I actually opted to take the private route all the way as since I've started, might as well go all the way. But it is one expensive, lonely and arduous route as my country is pretty anal about the credibility of certificates.
I don't have a choice because i'm getting older and I was having troubles back then, I was an average student but the environment pulled me down to become a below average one. I could have gone to a public school with average grades but now I have to suffer the consequences.
I see my friends, cousins going on to universities and better schools, I can't help but have great envy for them. They are already social butterflies in their own rights and now, their school is going to help them out even more. They have more materials to study and their certificates are definitely credible.
Now I really hate myself as I type this. I never got into a relationship and my social life is non-existent plus my school life is crap and not to mention working, it's even worse...I get fired like nobody business.
I predict that someday and somehow i'm gonna die on the streets because of my "well-rounded handicapped social expectations"
It's amazing really, and sorry I typed too long but it's been bothering me like hell and need to get it out.
I'm always waking up with a sharp pain in my stomach and a headache because I pray that this is not the life i'm living nowSad (and that is why I posted this)
But what I've noticed is that there were a few moments of awkwardness, like for example, I sat behind two cousins and they were playing card games yet they didn't even bother to turn around and ask me, instead they asked my other cousin who was busy walking around and she agreed and played with them. What's more, when I was excited and talked a lot more, many of them were ignoring me. Worse, I even had one anxiety panic at a short moment and I suspect when they stopped the game because they actually noticed it.
I have to admit I have SA and not surprisingly, I am always so deathly quiet and never converse with them whenever I met up with them. Instead, my sister is friends with them and they even hang out together.
I don't have a social life and hardly talk to people in real life. In school, there are like only 5 people and well, they are all very distant with one another. Why? Because this is a very small private school with no facilities, no counsellors, no student groups, nothing. Also, I am 22 and now having my major exams so I am out of job atm.
I actually didn't want to go to this school but because at that point of time, I wanted to enter into a local polytechnic so I am left with this option is either I take it and try my best to get a decent gpa to get into my desired school or none. But seriously, now I doubt whether this certificate can get me into the school because I am taking it privately and certificates like that are probably not comparable to that of a public one. What's more, it is a lower-tier certificate to enter into this local school.
I took it because it was short (they cramp everything into a year) But the fees are sure god damn expensive. So now, I have to study or I would have wasted part of my parents money.
But because of my doubts, I actually opted to take the private route all the way as since I've started, might as well go all the way. But it is one expensive, lonely and arduous route as my country is pretty anal about the credibility of certificates.
I don't have a choice because i'm getting older and I was having troubles back then, I was an average student but the environment pulled me down to become a below average one. I could have gone to a public school with average grades but now I have to suffer the consequences.
I see my friends, cousins going on to universities and better schools, I can't help but have great envy for them. They are already social butterflies in their own rights and now, their school is going to help them out even more. They have more materials to study and their certificates are definitely credible.
Now I really hate myself as I type this. I never got into a relationship and my social life is non-existent plus my school life is crap and not to mention working, it's even worse...I get fired like nobody business.
I predict that someday and somehow i'm gonna die on the streets because of my "well-rounded handicapped social expectations"
It's amazing really, and sorry I typed too long but it's been bothering me like hell and need to get it out.
I'm always waking up with a sharp pain in my stomach and a headache because I pray that this is not the life i'm living nowSad (and that is why I posted this)
