RoboLobster
Active member
Hello all. I'm slightly new here, browsed a lot here and there, haven't posted in along time. I've been in a rough place lately and I feel like I just need to get it all out, and where better to do that then anonymously on the internet! Yay! This is mostly for me, but I hope that it'll help someone a bit, or at least be an interesting read. =]
So this is going to be a spew about my life and a run down of my perception on a lot of things.
So I'll start and give a run down on myself. I'm currently 24, male, live in Alaska. I have had severe Social anxiety/phobia my entire life. I was born and grew up in Alaska. I grew up in a very out in the bush low population area. To give ya an idea about how remote it was my school had about 40 kids.. K-12th grade. I believe this situation was a start of my Social troubles. I was a very shy quiet kid, with unmotivated not so supportive (but loved me all the same) parents.
Thinking back I had all the traits of a social phob growing up as a kid, but I did not realise what was wrong with me until I was about 15. I was put into a mental ICU for about 10 days, where I had my first encounter with a therapist. He kinda gave me the run down on social phobia and explained that I had it. That's when my eyes kind of opened, but at the time It din't do me much good besides give me a name of something to feel sorry about myself for.
When I was 15 my parents had been broken up for a few years, before that they had been off and on. I bounced between living with my half sister (whom is 11 years older then me, hence growing up a lonely child) and my Father. When I was 18 I moved in with my Father, and at that point I had never had a job, I dropped out of high school due to the stress of being in a social environment (and my Father let me drop out). I sat in my room every day playing video games, I mostly escaped into MMORPGs, I'm sure some of you know what I mean. This happened for many years. From the point of being about 14 to being around 20, I was so terrified of leaving my house, I would have panic attacks walking out to the end of the drive way to check the mail, or bring the trash cans out. Heck I even had panic attacks mowing our back yard that had an 8 food tall wooden fence around it, point is it was BAD. My Dad supported me 100%, fed me paid for all the bills himself. He had tried to get me to go to college at some point or another, but gave me too much of an open choice about it and I refused obviously. Go to a giant school with tons of strangers after sitting in my room for years? Heck no I wasn't going. Looking back that was one of my biggest regrets is refusing to go to college with the help of my Father when I had the chance. He was trying to help me, he really was, but he din't understand what was wrong with me and just handled the situation all wrong. I really don't blame him though.
So the years roll by while I shut myself out to the world. When I was 20, I walked up to my Dad and told him I needed help, seriously needed it. He said ok and I as off to therapy. I got lucky and got in with a really good therapist. I had been to several therapist years before, the the problem was I din't want the help, I din't want to change how my life was, I was completely content being who I was, having no responsibilities. With no responsibilities I din't have to go out in public, If I din't have to do that I din't have any stress. This was different, I felt I needed to change, I couldn't keep feeding off my Father for the rest of my life, I never wanted to. I was always stricken with guilt about being completely dependant, but I was too scared to change it. It was a self damaging vicious cycle that I finally had the courage to try and change.
So I for months I went to therapy, My therapist slowly pushed me to do things. She made me ride a bus to therapy instead of being shuddled, to consider schools and jobs. I felt great, I was very proud of myself at the time. I had gotten my drivers license, my step mother GAVE me her old car, I was getting out of the house on my own will, meeting friends. Then it happened, I got a girlfriend.
Now to explain a little more about myself before I go into that. I was always a very romantic idea type of person. I wanted to feel love and passion, I would read about it or watch it in movies and think to myself, "If that's what I had, my life would be perfect.". Of course I was very lonely, I had never hugged, kissed, even touched a girl.
So I had some new friends, and one of these friends had a girlfriend. Me, him, her, and a few other random people would hang out every day. She began to have a thing for me, on top of that she and her boyfriend of 2 years were having problems. At the time I was completely oblivious to her signals, I thought of her as a friend, and because her boyfriend was my friend I had no reason to want to be with her, of course ignorance is bliss. To make a long story short, she told me how she felt one day when I was giving her a ride home, and how we couldn't be friends because she was having problems with her boyfriend because she liked me. I was pretty speechless at the time due to never having feelings for anyone. I drop her off and she hugs me for quite a while and goes. I turned 21 a fews after that and she calls me up around then and tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to see me. Everything pretty much started from there not to go into details, that's a long story. In my ridiculous amount of ignorance I went out with her, and let her move in with me right away.
It went on for about 3 months, during that time I tried to get a job but it din't happen, and tension between me and my Dad grew a lot, he din't approve of her moving in. She eventually left me for my Best friend whom I had known since high school (pretty much my only friend at the time, and still my best friend to this day). At the end of our relationship I was VERY clingly, and I pretty much went emo. I had never experianced or dealt with a relationship, and now I was dealing with a very bad break up.
During that time me and my Father had a big fight, the worst we ever had. He told me I had a week to pack my stuff and move out, he din't care where I went he just wanted me gone. I think after the years and years of putting up with me he just kind of snapped and was tired of dealing with me, I honestly don't blame him. For 3 years after that fight we never spoke a word to each other. So I packed up my stuff and moved in with my sister about two hour drive away in a different city. I don't remember how much time passed, it was either between 6 months or a year, but I greeved. I felt sorry for myself and upset about breaking up with my "ex". I din't work although I attempted to find a job. My sister and her husband decided to move to washington, so I basically had to move out. I moved back to the city I lived in with my Father, and moved in with my cousin temporarily so I could find work and get on my feet.
I actually did start working then, I got my first job at McDonalds, thanks to my friend at the time whom was also working there, and she encouraged me to work there with her. She actually helped me out a lot at the time, she was the only person I had.
To kind of shorten this up I jumped around jobs, had two different room mate situations, and went threw a few relationships.
I did a lot of growing up during those times. Like I said I had shut myself off to the world thru my entire teenage years, so mentally I think I was still back there in my teenage years, and I was going through teenage things that are vital at those times, but I wasn't a teenager. The few relationships I had were disasters, the girls I went out with were far too young for me (once again I was, and still am in that teenage state of mind I did not go thru). I'm very clingy, and emotionally dependent in relationships. I started cutting myself heavily, and unfourtunatly I still do.
So where am I now? I live again with my sister whom moved back up here, and I pay her rent. I have a job at a theater as a manager/projectionist which I love. I have learned to deal and control my social anxiety, but the damage it has done to me is there. I have no problems going out in public, dealing with strangers, etc. I deal with it everyday at my job. I have not been in a relationship for about a year, my last one was a disaster. I feel that I've come along way and learned a lot of things, but I still have a long ways to go. I have been debating whether or not to get back into therapy, I could really use it, but my job does not have medical benifits, and I don't make a lot of money. Loneliness has hit me pretty hard lately, which seems to be a big focal point of my depression.
My post has been mostly negative and expressing my bad and weak points. To end this in a more positive note, I'm a very funny, goofy, sweet person. I love to make people laugh and go out of my way to help others. I'm a great friend, and I have a very romantic disposition in life, which I'm slowly believing doesn't exist, but I don't want to give up because I like that part of myself. I'm a very bring flowers hold door open kind of guy.
I honestly had no direction or point of this, other then to express myself, and let out a little steam. It has been pretty much an unfiltered rant straight from my brain to my fingers, to your eyeballs. This has been A LOT longer then I thought it would be, and if you made it all the way through that I appreciate it and please give me a reply =]
PHEW.
So this is going to be a spew about my life and a run down of my perception on a lot of things.
So I'll start and give a run down on myself. I'm currently 24, male, live in Alaska. I have had severe Social anxiety/phobia my entire life. I was born and grew up in Alaska. I grew up in a very out in the bush low population area. To give ya an idea about how remote it was my school had about 40 kids.. K-12th grade. I believe this situation was a start of my Social troubles. I was a very shy quiet kid, with unmotivated not so supportive (but loved me all the same) parents.
Thinking back I had all the traits of a social phob growing up as a kid, but I did not realise what was wrong with me until I was about 15. I was put into a mental ICU for about 10 days, where I had my first encounter with a therapist. He kinda gave me the run down on social phobia and explained that I had it. That's when my eyes kind of opened, but at the time It din't do me much good besides give me a name of something to feel sorry about myself for.
When I was 15 my parents had been broken up for a few years, before that they had been off and on. I bounced between living with my half sister (whom is 11 years older then me, hence growing up a lonely child) and my Father. When I was 18 I moved in with my Father, and at that point I had never had a job, I dropped out of high school due to the stress of being in a social environment (and my Father let me drop out). I sat in my room every day playing video games, I mostly escaped into MMORPGs, I'm sure some of you know what I mean. This happened for many years. From the point of being about 14 to being around 20, I was so terrified of leaving my house, I would have panic attacks walking out to the end of the drive way to check the mail, or bring the trash cans out. Heck I even had panic attacks mowing our back yard that had an 8 food tall wooden fence around it, point is it was BAD. My Dad supported me 100%, fed me paid for all the bills himself. He had tried to get me to go to college at some point or another, but gave me too much of an open choice about it and I refused obviously. Go to a giant school with tons of strangers after sitting in my room for years? Heck no I wasn't going. Looking back that was one of my biggest regrets is refusing to go to college with the help of my Father when I had the chance. He was trying to help me, he really was, but he din't understand what was wrong with me and just handled the situation all wrong. I really don't blame him though.
So the years roll by while I shut myself out to the world. When I was 20, I walked up to my Dad and told him I needed help, seriously needed it. He said ok and I as off to therapy. I got lucky and got in with a really good therapist. I had been to several therapist years before, the the problem was I din't want the help, I din't want to change how my life was, I was completely content being who I was, having no responsibilities. With no responsibilities I din't have to go out in public, If I din't have to do that I din't have any stress. This was different, I felt I needed to change, I couldn't keep feeding off my Father for the rest of my life, I never wanted to. I was always stricken with guilt about being completely dependant, but I was too scared to change it. It was a self damaging vicious cycle that I finally had the courage to try and change.
So I for months I went to therapy, My therapist slowly pushed me to do things. She made me ride a bus to therapy instead of being shuddled, to consider schools and jobs. I felt great, I was very proud of myself at the time. I had gotten my drivers license, my step mother GAVE me her old car, I was getting out of the house on my own will, meeting friends. Then it happened, I got a girlfriend.
Now to explain a little more about myself before I go into that. I was always a very romantic idea type of person. I wanted to feel love and passion, I would read about it or watch it in movies and think to myself, "If that's what I had, my life would be perfect.". Of course I was very lonely, I had never hugged, kissed, even touched a girl.
So I had some new friends, and one of these friends had a girlfriend. Me, him, her, and a few other random people would hang out every day. She began to have a thing for me, on top of that she and her boyfriend of 2 years were having problems. At the time I was completely oblivious to her signals, I thought of her as a friend, and because her boyfriend was my friend I had no reason to want to be with her, of course ignorance is bliss. To make a long story short, she told me how she felt one day when I was giving her a ride home, and how we couldn't be friends because she was having problems with her boyfriend because she liked me. I was pretty speechless at the time due to never having feelings for anyone. I drop her off and she hugs me for quite a while and goes. I turned 21 a fews after that and she calls me up around then and tells me she broke up with her boyfriend and wanted to see me. Everything pretty much started from there not to go into details, that's a long story. In my ridiculous amount of ignorance I went out with her, and let her move in with me right away.
It went on for about 3 months, during that time I tried to get a job but it din't happen, and tension between me and my Dad grew a lot, he din't approve of her moving in. She eventually left me for my Best friend whom I had known since high school (pretty much my only friend at the time, and still my best friend to this day). At the end of our relationship I was VERY clingly, and I pretty much went emo. I had never experianced or dealt with a relationship, and now I was dealing with a very bad break up.
During that time me and my Father had a big fight, the worst we ever had. He told me I had a week to pack my stuff and move out, he din't care where I went he just wanted me gone. I think after the years and years of putting up with me he just kind of snapped and was tired of dealing with me, I honestly don't blame him. For 3 years after that fight we never spoke a word to each other. So I packed up my stuff and moved in with my sister about two hour drive away in a different city. I don't remember how much time passed, it was either between 6 months or a year, but I greeved. I felt sorry for myself and upset about breaking up with my "ex". I din't work although I attempted to find a job. My sister and her husband decided to move to washington, so I basically had to move out. I moved back to the city I lived in with my Father, and moved in with my cousin temporarily so I could find work and get on my feet.
I actually did start working then, I got my first job at McDonalds, thanks to my friend at the time whom was also working there, and she encouraged me to work there with her. She actually helped me out a lot at the time, she was the only person I had.
To kind of shorten this up I jumped around jobs, had two different room mate situations, and went threw a few relationships.
I did a lot of growing up during those times. Like I said I had shut myself off to the world thru my entire teenage years, so mentally I think I was still back there in my teenage years, and I was going through teenage things that are vital at those times, but I wasn't a teenager. The few relationships I had were disasters, the girls I went out with were far too young for me (once again I was, and still am in that teenage state of mind I did not go thru). I'm very clingy, and emotionally dependent in relationships. I started cutting myself heavily, and unfourtunatly I still do.
So where am I now? I live again with my sister whom moved back up here, and I pay her rent. I have a job at a theater as a manager/projectionist which I love. I have learned to deal and control my social anxiety, but the damage it has done to me is there. I have no problems going out in public, dealing with strangers, etc. I deal with it everyday at my job. I have not been in a relationship for about a year, my last one was a disaster. I feel that I've come along way and learned a lot of things, but I still have a long ways to go. I have been debating whether or not to get back into therapy, I could really use it, but my job does not have medical benifits, and I don't make a lot of money. Loneliness has hit me pretty hard lately, which seems to be a big focal point of my depression.
My post has been mostly negative and expressing my bad and weak points. To end this in a more positive note, I'm a very funny, goofy, sweet person. I love to make people laugh and go out of my way to help others. I'm a great friend, and I have a very romantic disposition in life, which I'm slowly believing doesn't exist, but I don't want to give up because I like that part of myself. I'm a very bring flowers hold door open kind of guy.
I honestly had no direction or point of this, other then to express myself, and let out a little steam. It has been pretty much an unfiltered rant straight from my brain to my fingers, to your eyeballs. This has been A LOT longer then I thought it would be, and if you made it all the way through that I appreciate it and please give me a reply =]
PHEW.
