Just another casual conversation problem

[Rafa]

Hello,

I'm writing here because I would like to know your thoughts regarding my issue, though I guess a lot of people have written about that here and in the Internet. I apologize for my English, since I don't use it a lot these days.

I've had problems with casual talking since I can remember. Moreover when I was very young, I had trouble looking at people in the eye. During my youth, I kind of managed my problem by avoiding real conversations with people, which was easy because I could always go out and play sports, video games, or do any other activity with people, but without talking with them. I always feared of being boring or weird if I was alone with somebody.

During my young adulthood, I started to have more problems, specially regarding the relationship with the families of my girlfriend. I remember them all telling me the same, telling me that I was rude, shy, that I had to talk more with their parents, and so on.

Now, I'm 31 years old and married, so I have found myself constantly in situations when I really have to talk with people, specially with the friends and family of my wife. This is the reason why I started to think about this again; however, I feel it is less anguishing since I care less about others and I'm more focused on job, hobbies, and wife.


I've never considered myself as a shy person. I can do anything, talk about anything (if I am asked to), I teach at the university, I perform concerts in pubs from time to time, talk in conferences, etc, but when I'm with people in casual conversation situations, I just don't know what to say. Now I realize it has always been simple like that, I just don't know what to say and my mind became blank then, it drift away with thoughts absolutely unrelated to the people I'm with.

Lately, the idea that my problem is due to the relationship with my family during my childhood has come to my mind. I had an alcoholic father who was always angry, yelling, who hit me a lot, who frequently cheated on my mother, who didn't let us enjoy a single weekend due to his problem. He moved out of my house early in my life, but I continued to seem with the same problems. My mother, she was always depressed, weak, sleeping a lot. We never had a good social life due to my father's problem. He has completely stopped drinking since 10 years ago, but we never talked about the past.

What do you think I should do? Change? Accept once for all that I'm like that and do nothing?

 

[jaim38]

I'm also bad at casual conversation. Usually, I let people do at least 60% of the talking while I end up listening a lot. I think it takes practice to be good at casual conversation, which is a bit like improvising. When you're lecturing or doing concerts, you pretty much have it all planned out ahead of time right? But, casual conversation is a different beast to tackle. It's improvised social itneraction that you can't plan for, at least most of the time. I suggest practice getting better at improvising, and it helps to be more relaxed and spontaneous. Good luck!

 

[Kiwong]

I guess it takes practice, exposure at getting better at conversations, with people who you are comfortable with at first.

I have begun to fear talking to people. It feels like I am on a slippery slope to madness.

 

[Scury]

It sounds like you may simply be an introvert. Most introverts can have conversations, if they find those conversations meaningful, but small talk and casual conversations can make them extremely awkward. Do you dread being in a elevator with someone who wants to make small talk about the weather? Or other situations like that? When you perform in pubs or lecture in university, you are talking about things that matter to you and are therefore comfortable for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all. I spent a lot of my life feeling like there was something wrong with me, when it turned out, I was a very normal introvert.

 

[bsammy]

i have never liked or really felt that comfortable in casual conversations either..when young i didnt know what to say but even after learning social skills, i simply find casual conversations to be awkward and just pointless tbh...so and so will tell me about a new rake they bought or that they just took their car to the car wash and im like uggghh..i just go along with it and try to get out asap...its just really too bad basically all relationships are based on casual chit chat..

 

[kamikami]

I'd say accept who you are.

I have always been like terrible at small talk as well. I usually got by and people just considered me a shy person. They would sometimes comment on how quiet I was, and that was it. I would chip in when people were talking about something I could contribute to, but mostly I would just listen.

Then I went on an exchange program, and my host family would not have it. They said if I wanted to be a part of the family, I would have to talk to them, and that i had to bring something up at least once a day for talking. And I tried. I tried really hard, but mind would just go blank. It made me loathe dinnertime and conversation. I was always so worried about saying something, that mostly all I could muster was a some agreement sentence. It just did not work at all and made things so much worse.

But I am not like this with everybody. When I have something in common with people, I can chat alright, even for hours. Without all the pression.

So what I am thinking is, if you want to change, don't put too much pressure on yourself, as it can really just make things worse. I just learned to accept myself and to know that there are people I'll be very chatty with and people who I just can't say a word past 'hello', and I can never tell which will be which beforehand.

 

[fate12321]

How can being quiet be rude? I wonder... Anyways, well for me it's hard to have a conversation with someone I'm not familiar with, and it's even more difficult to keep the conversation flowing. I'd say just accept it. For me it's hard to change my personality. It's who I'am, and faking a personality is like pretending to be something that I'm not.

 

[darrens]

I would say its difficult to change for sure so possibly accepting it will bring about change more naturally,i too suffer kinda of the same thing too i can function with most social interaction where its kinda scripted and there isnt too much conversation i appear confident as long as it doesn't break into long unscripted stuff then it becomes awkward.

Personally i think one of the keys to beating this,something i cannot master is to not knock yourself mentally after an awkward situation,because you can put yourself in situations where you have a conversation with someone and i'm sure you often were,maybe not by choice,but either way you don't seem to be improving because as long as you continue to knock yourself after one awkward conversation then you will never learn,and each time when u have an awkward conversation when you mentally go over it and knock yourself it builds more pressure on the next time,or at least doesn't build confidence when you are giving out to yourself mentally.

Obviously its easier said than done.