It's all in my head...

[RedRibbons]

Hi, I'm new. I haven't been diagnosed with OCD, so I was just wondering if anyone had any input. Or, I just wanted to get it out of me.

I believe my trigger was a series of not so pleasant events, and one particular question someone asked me. He asked if I had a problem with my sexuality. This got me thinking hard about my sexuality, and I obsessed about it, why he said it, did I show signs of being a lesbian, did I give off a vibe. And with my lack of relationships in high school, I started thinking that maybe I didn't even realize this. But I know that I am and was and always have been interested in men.

I have been obsessing over this for about 7 years and it's only getting worse. I think my compulsion is to continuously diagnose myself and try to shut my brain up from these intrusive thoughts, images, words, etc. by saying "it's not true", "that's not who you are", "you don't actually have these thoughts", "these thoughts aren't yours", and rationalizing every intrusive thought. I don't think I have any outward compulsions.

(I've actually become quite comfortable with telling myself that I might have OCD.. and it gives me slight relief from the anxiety. When I first thought "maybe it's ocd" the thoughts went away for a week or so, but slowly they crept back, and are in full swing right now because of some recent stressful events.)

I also had a moment during this whole 7 years where I thought people could read my mind and see lesbian thoughts in my head. And I thought people looked at me weird like they knew I was a lesbian or something. And then I tried to accept this thing that isn't even me by saying, "hey maybe I am attracted to women". But I know that I'm not. But now I have this distorted view and think that I am. It's so frustrating. It just feels like I keep going deeper and all my biggest fears are becoming realities.. They are who I am. But I know they're not, and they're not who I want to be, or even remotely accept as being a part of me.

This has stopped me from doing a lot of things, talking to a lot of people. I worried about blushing, looking at women's bodies, and have mild to medium anxiety attacks. I became a bit of a recluse because of this. And I still struggle. My obsessive thoughts aren't just gay obsessive thoughts. It's just one that has caused the most problems so far, that I feel comfortable talking about.

So, that's a big chunk of it. I don't know what anyone will be able to tell me, if anyone even does tell me anything. But I appreciate your comments, if you do have anything to say.

Thanks.

 

[phoenix1]

Hi Redribbons,

I believe alot of people have some form of obsessive thoughts of varying degrees that we cant shake. The problem with OCD or obsessive thoughts always happens *because* we try to avoid or stop thinking about something. Or we see the thought as wrong, evil or bad so we consciously try to hide or avoid it. Basically our brains are just trying to get us to resolve a thought by continually bringing it up and the more we fear it or get anxious about it, the more our brains think something is wrong and it will try to bring it to the forefront even more, which will make it even more scary. Its difficult to resolve in a normal way because the thing we fear is the thought itself. It can be a terrible cycle.

It certainly doesnt mean that the obsessive thought is true. I think all of us have weird thoughts, homosexual thoughts, murderous thoughts and usually they go away if we realise its nothing to worry about. But only once we stop fighting the thoughts. I know its certainly easier said then done though. But there is still a lot we can do to lesson the obsessive thoughts.

 

[RedRibbons]

That's exactly how it is. I read that, and I've come to the same conclusions about why it bothers me so much, why I can't get rid of the thoughts. They are always there.. Just varying degrees. And it frightens me that I will say something out loud to people that isn't even true, and they won't understand that and look at me as a terrible person and hate me and never want to talk to me ever again.

I know it's not true and it feels like my life was flipped upside down when these thoughts started occurring. It's hard to face the thoughts because they are so disgusting to me. The only time I truly feel comfortable and at ease is when I'm sleeping. My mind won't click and say "ah, they're REALLY not true!"

Thank you for your input, it helps a lot and makes me feel a little more comfortable.

 

[RedRibbons]

Uhh..I don't know if anyone cares to know.. but.. lol I talked to my psychologist today, just over the phone, and I explained to her my mind, and how it's all in my head, and she is like "It seems you have obsessions without compulsions."

I don't know if she realizes that the compulsions are to constantly rationalize and say certain phrases over and over again to try and make the thoughts go away.. This confuses me. I don't want them to say that I am normal, but just a fucked up person with a fucked up head. Yuck, I would rather be dead than accept that I am some freakin' weirdo crackpot. These thoughts aren't normal to me. I used to be normal. I never used to have these thoughts.

 

[Infected_Malignity]

Jesus, it's 2007! Obsessing over thoughts isn't even abnormal anymore. You're not a crackpot, let's be realistic here. But there's obviously a reason. I mean, obviously, because it's lasted for so long (you poor thing, you)! Do you hold this person (who asked you in the first place) in high regard? Also, when you say that these thoughts disgust you, that's a big clue as to why you have this problem to begin with.


Want to hear something funny? You're going to think it's ridiculous but seriously, check this out. I used to have this OCD from when I was about 11 to 12, and for probably about a year I would obsess on God. I was religious then, and apparently since I was told never to 'take the lord's name in vein', I felt a strange compulsion to rebel (mentally) against everything they said, but I would only do it because I felt like there was a punishment waiting in return for it. So it was an object I was so insecure about slipping up with, that I got into this retarded pattern of rebelling, swearing at god, taking the lords name in vein, doing whatever I could - all of it being mentally - just because I was terrified of the consequence.

Sound familiar? I don't want to be a dick, but it's probably an insecurity. Just for a weird thought experiment, you could try taking it to the furthest extreme - actually see yourself with another woman - and realize that either way, you're allowed to do as you please. You must think that homosexuality is something bad/dirty, and that's probably what's spawning your OCD.

Anyway, just thought I'd share that with you because OCD sucks. You WILL break the patterns, I believe in you!!

 

[RedRibbons]

I'm not saying all the things I obsess about in my head. It's not just the homosexuality thing... I wish I could say but I feel too weird. I don't think homosexuality is gross, I just don't want that kind of lifestyle for myself. I have pictured myself with other women, and like I said earlier, it's gotten to a point where I have, in a weird way, accepted being attracted to women, even though I know I'm not.

And when I said crackpot weirdo, I meant.. I don't want them saying "You don't have OCD, you are completely normal" because if they say I am normal, then I don't know why I am thinking these things.. And if I am just thinking them because I am normal - then I would want to be dead, because I don't want those things to be my normal.. ahh :? Aggravating.

When he asked me the question, I was attracted to him.. So I guess I held him in high regard at the time. I don't like him now at all - he's a piece of shit in my opinion, mainly because I've been overthinking the crap out of things for like 7 years because of his question. I know it stems from an insecurity, but I wasn't insecure about my sexuality before he asked me the question. The only thing I was insecure about was showing that I liked a guy. haha.. what a piece of work.. :roll:

You don't sound like a jerk.. and I don't think your God obsession thing is ridiculous.

Anywho, I feel a bit annoying rambling on and on about my 'issue'. I just felt like I had nowhere to go where people would have the slightest idea of what the heck I am going through... Before I actually get myself to a doctor.. heh.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.. And reading what I have to say.

 

[Thesuper]

My compulsions are usually mental too, I end up saying things to myself multiple times if I think have an intrusive thought, I actually say things like "its not the truth" too, at first I thought I was rationally dismissing the obsession, but I just relied on it more, those sorts of compulsions seem to have endless variations, sometimes its hard to determine whether or not your actually rationalizing your intrusive thoughts or just doing another compulsion.

If I have an intrusive thought when I'm looking at or doing something, I always feel like my thought applies to it, say I were to bump into something, I feel like its a sign that my intrusive thought will actually happen, if its positive thought, I usually turn it around and think something bad will happen involving it.

I just try and ignore my obsessions, no matter how anxious I feel, the stress gets so strong, I feel suspended like I can't do anything, at that point it feels like just one more compulsion can't hurt, I try to remind myself that its not the thoughts I must resist, it is the compulsions.

I find staying active helps, always doing things, even when I have stress from an obsession on my mind, eventually the stress is going to subside.

I hope my post was helpful, message me if you ever want to talk.

 

[RedRibbons]

I don't know exactly what you mean when you say that your thought applies to what happens. Oh wait.. you mean you think that.. if you're walking across the street and you get a thought like.. You're going to run into traffic and get all smashed up, you will? Like you won't be able to control it? Sorry if I'm way off.. Maybe you could explain it better?

Where did you hear about ignoring the compulsion and not the thought.. well I guess if you 'can't' control the thought, you may as well focus on ignoring/controlling the compulsion? I would be scared of my mind being over run by the thoughts.. as I mentioned earlier, they gross me out.

I've been considering yoga.. I just have a bit of a motivation problem. hehe. oops. :?

Your post is helpful, thanks. ^^

 

[AquariusOutkast]

RedRibbons, Hi! I read this post 2 times and I think I sorta understand what your saying. Sometimes evil/unpleasant thoughts pop into my head. Things that arent true in my heart but it keeps playing in my head over and over. It would drive me nutts beacuse it isnt true.. it's not how I feel.. but i cannot seem to chase away the unpleasant thoughts. Is that what your talking about?

 

[Thesuper]

Your not way off thats pretty much what I meant.

The thing is, you are more prone to thinking about intrusive thoughts when you are constantly trying to not think about them, and you are worried about them being true unless you do compulsions, thats why you feel so overwhelmed by anxiety when you don't.

To get over the obsession, you must intentionally think about it, and refrain from the compulsion, eventually you will habituate, This is called ERP, I suggest you read on it.

Its hard to get over the stress, but you can do it.

 

[RedRibbons]

Hehe. Yea. I get those too. I don't know why I'm hehe'ing, could be the good mood today. ANYWHO!! Yea. Sometimes I get intrusive death thoughts or images. People being dead, ways of dying.. etc etc. Those aren't the REALLY annoying ones, even though they are disturbing... Cause I don't have a hard time pushing them away.

Most of the time the thoughts are JUST words, questions and images. Like say I was having a lesbian thought moment it wouldn't be so much the image of me with another girl, it's like the word.. Lesbian over and over, or asking myself a ridiculous amount of questions related to being attracted to someone.

I feel kind of awkward about telling this story, cause some people might misinterpret it.. but.. I remember once I was having a particularly hard time while at work. There was an attractive woman there and I would just dwell on it for hours, pretty much the whole time I was there. I would go through questions (about my sexuality, about what she might do, about how to act, etc etc.), scenarios, have words popping up in my head and I couldn't shake them, and any time this woman came around I couldn't talk or do anything really I just smiled to make it look like what I was thinking was normal and I was just a quiet person. It felt like the thoughts were controlling my mind, and all I wanted to do was be friendly and talk or anything. It caused a lot of stress and made me avoid spending time with the rest of the people at my work so that I wouldn't have to be around her or them. In case I like blushed or something. The thoughts were so strong I could barely think of anything else. And when I was it was calming myself or getting the hell out of that place. lol.

I just want you guys to remember that that work thing didn't happen too long ago, so that's after almost 7 years of dealing with this gay obsessive thought. Meaning by this time I have basically accepted this idea of being attracted to women even though I am not.

So yea. I don't know. The way it is is that I am fine at first but over a few hours or days the thoughts start to creep up into my mind and they get stronger the more I have to be in the situation where the thought originally began to sprout... Even if I have no reason or basis to have this thought... and it becomes very complex and hard to deal with and I began to dread the next time I have to be in that situation because the thoughts are going to come back... And I don't know how strong they will be.. And if people find out, they will think all wrong.

ANYWAY! Is that what you mean, aqua? 8O

 

[AquariusOutkast]

Yeah, something similar.I thought I was going crazy or something but I guess it happens to some people.

I just want you guys to remember that that work thing didn't happen too long ago, so that's after almost 7 years of dealing with this gay obsessive thought. Meaning by this time I have basically accepted this idea of being attracted to women even though I am not.

Same here, Im not a lesbian for sure, but I am attracted to some women I think. Like girls with short boyish hair-style and masculine facial features kind of intrigue me.... Iono..kinda sexy~ :lol:

 

[RedRibbons]

I never talked to anyone who actually has similar things going through their mind.. It's cool, but I feel bad at the same time cause it's such a burden. 8O

You might want to check out this article I found a while ago..

Click this little smilie..

 

[rado31]

opening this topic here could attract more uber-nerds than cebit manifestation.