It gets worse everyday

[dannyboy65]

My life was turning around, I've been drug and alcohol free for a year. I got top marks. I have a job, and once friends. I can never be happy I try and I try I just can't. These voices in my head bring me down everyday, I try so hard to not listen but they take control. I'm full of anger, depression and anxiety. Everyday I fake a smile and try to make others as happy as possible when really I'm dying on the inside. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think. When I do get sleep its only for an hour or two, when I eat its only a few bites. I've always been this way inside for years and years. I'm tired of this, I want to escape. I want to disappear, I don't want to work anymore, I don't want to continue living in a lie to make myself feel better. I got to face the cold hard truth, no matter what happens in my life I will never be truly happy. I want to end it all, I don't want to be remembered, because inside I'm not the person I show everyone. Inside I'm dark, confused, full of rage. One day I will finally break and I feel it creeping closer everyday. I don't want help or sympathy, I'm sick of help and sympathy. I had help for years and I still feel this way there is no way to help me. This is my curse...

 

[EscapeArtist]

I feel like I have to reply because I relate. But I don't know what to say. Real helpful... All I can say is that, avoiding drugs and alcohol gives you at least the chance to feel capable, even just 1 day a week, and one day you might be able to take advantage of that. That's what I tell myself, anyways. Just to remember what it feels like to feel OkaY for one day is more help than I can ask for.

Was there a period of time, while you had/have friends, got "top marks", and had a job, that you felt stable? Sometimes falling back into a depression can make us forget that we felt slightly better at some point. Not to mention that drugs and alcohol can make you forget that completely. What motivated you before, to do all of these things? And did you feel even slightly better after doing them? I know falling back can blind you completely, but one day, even if it's months later, the fog can lift, and if you can get there it will be the start of another good period of time.

You can message me, when ever. I fell off of having friends, a full time job, etc, into moderate alcohol and substance reliance. I'm sorry I don't know what else to say.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I want to end it all, I don't want to be remembered, because inside I'm not the person I show everyone.

This is probably of no consolation, but NONE of us are the person we show everyone. We're all broken and failed in some degree----some more than others. None of us have all the answers.

....I do think making others happy or smile is a big plus. I wish I was happy too.

 

[chazer2010]

i'm really sorry that you feel this way...but i got nothing helpful to say..we all wanna escape from this cursed life..we all just want nothing more than being normal..just wanna be normal...we all feel this way...i guess we can't avoid this..we all have to suffer

 

[PugofCrydee]

Due to the way you are thinking (and have been for quite some time) nothing anyone says will probably seem like its going to be much help. I will say this though.

I have been on that cliff face of despair, looking down, wondering if I should just end it all. I considered it more than once. I felt like suicide could be the answer.

But I came to realize life - whilst it can be hard, it can also give you moments that make it all worthwhile. Depression can make life seem like there is no end to the pain, no happiness, nothing worth going on for.

There are 2 scenarios we basically need to look at in all this.
1- We make the effort to go on, hoping someday that we manage to find something in our lives that can bring a long lost smile to our face. Maybe we wont find it. Maybe we will.

2- End it all, and don't even give ourselves the chance for our lives to change.

In ten years from now, you may look back and say 'geez, I was in such a dark place back then..I'm so glad I didn't end it'.
But if you do end it, you don't even give yourself a chance.

Death is permanent. Life is not.
Don't go seeking death. It comes for us all soon enough.

 

[Stressball]

You're not alone bud, far from it. You described my life exactly. I'm sorry you're in so much pain. The pain of faking a smile..god, but knowing you have to otherwise your depression repels people. Then it gets to the point you don't know who you are anymore, just this empty shell. The fear of feeling like you'll never be happy, no matter what you do.

I decided one day to take a serious look into my diet. Something I think, many people overlook including myself. Cut out lots of refined sugars and started drinking fresh coconut water in the morning; the coconut fat is turned into ketones, brain fuel which is said to help heal the brain, among other things. I didn't believe it at first, but I've been taking it for 4 weeks now, 4 coconuts a week. It's helped me greatly with keeping depression at bay and not letting obsessive thoughts get to me, which was such a huge problem it consumed most waking moments of my life. I feel like a new person in many ways. 14 years of depressionand its the only genuine breakthrough I've had. Still socially anxious, but relieved I can at least wake up without negative thoughts consuming my brain.

I know its a bit odd, but maybe you can look into it too? You don't have much to lose, real coconuts are pretty cheap in most places and you can find them in most big supermarkets these days, or an asian grocery if you live near one. It's been like a natural anti-depressant to me and made it easier to cope with social anxiety and life in general. All the research seems to back up how its been working for me, hopefully it gives you some relief too to handle life.

 

[MotherWolff]

My life was turning around, I've been drug and alcohol free for a year. I got top marks. I have a job, and once friends. I can never be happy I try and I try I just can't. These voices in my head bring me down everyday, I try so hard to not listen but they take control. I'm full of anger, depression and anxiety. Everyday I fake a smile and try to make others as happy as possible when really I'm dying on the inside. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think. When I do get sleep its only for an hour or two, when I eat its only a few bites. I've always been this way inside for years and years. I'm tired of this, I want to escape. I want to disappear, I don't want to work anymore, I don't want to continue living in a lie to make myself feel better. I got to face the cold hard truth, no matter what happens in my life I will never be truly happy. I want to end it all, I don't want to be remembered, because inside I'm not the person I show everyone. Inside I'm dark, confused, full of rage. One day I will finally break and I feel it creeping closer everyday. I don't want help or sympathy, I'm sick of help and sympathy. I had help for years and I still feel this way there is no way to help me. This is my curse...

This sounds alot like a cry for help to me.

Let me just say that its ok to want help with your problems.

Alot of people view it as a sign of weakness.

I view it as a sign of honesty.

You do not have to stay this way. This is not inevitable. You lose only when you give up.

 

[dannyboy65]

Thank you everyone on this poll your comments make me think. As hard as it is to go on with life I guess when I made this I was crying for help I just don't know anymore.