It finally affected my life in a major way

[vileblaze]

First off.

Hi. I'm a male 21 years old. Sorry but this is gonna be a little bit long. I have never open up to anyone especially here online so if you can withstand reading the wall of text. I appreciate it.

My anxiety finally affected my life in a major way. I lost my job (2 months ago) because of my own doing. I only worked there for 7 months. Because of my anxiety or maybe I'm just a coward. Either way I did a terrible thing (and that thing I did is driven by my anxiety too) and I'm so scared to be berated. My boss is notorious for berating employees in front of others. I mean if that's embarrassing to "normal" people how much more will it affect someone like me?

I've always been scared of people in authority. So getting that job with that kind of boss was a total nightmare for me. I mean every single day I'm feeling down and nervous. I can't sleep at night worrying what if I did something that may anger him? I always wish that something bad will happen to me just to give me a reason to just leave that job. I always have suicidal thoughts.

And then that happened. It was a stupid decision. It was a mistake on my part. I was so scared I didn't show up the next day and never show up. I shut off all kinds of communication. I'm really scared. I plan to commit suicide but decided against for the sole reason of being too coward.

What's wrong with me? Thinking of suicide. I can't believe it myself. But I just ended up succumbing to this feelings of mine.

TBH I'm not really sure if this is SA...maybe I'm just a coward? or extremely shy? My family thought so. They keep saying stop being shy and be like my cousins or other family members.

But I just can't. Everytime there's a family reunion or outings I always "plan" on how will I act or say in front of them. It would be best if I don't go but I can't. What's worse is I have nothing. Seriously nothing in common with any of my family. They all like sports and other things. It always ended up me being left out and just go to a corner and play with my phone. I tried really hard to get along with them but it's been years there's no progress.

I'm not feeling any emotional attachment with any of my family. Not even w/ my mom or sister. Worse sometimes they make jokes about me in front of other people or public that embarrasses me. It's a nightmare.

But there's an upside right? Like having friends or GF? Sadly no. I literally have zero friends. With that a lover is out of the picture. It's because I'm too awkward around people. I stutter, like when I try to say something it just comes out like a garble of words. I sweat a lot especially when nervous. And believe me there's a lot of things that makes me nervous. I have this weird allergy where I have flu every day even in summer it's pathetic. I'm very clumsy. Like I keep on accidentally hitting things or people. Also I'm ugly. I avoid going outside as much as possible since I dislike being looked at. I feel very uncomfortable. And I ended up doing stupid and clumsy.

I tried so hard to control my actions. Like I even plan on what actions would I take when going to a grocery store. I mean how pathetic is that? I can't believe myself.

I hate to say this but I was also a victim of bullying. Not whole childhood but it happened in my last few years in college. I can't forget all those horrible things. Maybe they're not too horrible for other people but it just hits me so hard. I don't know why I'm so sensitive.

I'm depressed or so I think. I get angry so easily and extremely sad at times. I started cutting myself. I don't know why. Never did I thought I will end up trying or even thinking of killing myself. But now it sounds like a good idea. But I'm just too coward to do it...as of now.

How about therapy? Just as I stated earlier non of my family member will believe that I have some sort of illness. That I'm just shy and I just have to gain courage. And in my country. I doubt they will accept such reason.
I tried everytime to change. So hard. I'm overwhelmed easily and I ended up shutting myself in further.

Now I'm really at my end. Especially when I lost that job. Sadly that job is a corporate job and I might just royally screwed my career since I'm gonna be blacklisted and they won't give me back my diploma because I abandoned my job.

I'm at my point. I only know a way out.


Sorry again for the wall of text.

 

[Lavinialuna]

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. First I would like to say please don't hurt yourself. You are a beautiful person (who just so happens to be going through a lot) so please treat yourself with kindness. Give yourself the space to be imperfect, it's okay. You are who you are, and you have different limits than others. it's okay.
I often think to myself that I could just get right in the world if I could get right with myself. Like if I could leave my home for a month and go to a re-hab for social anxiety where I would have a week just getting myself straight and then have a slow integration into social situations... but I can't as I have kids and you can't just dump your family and leave... but you are young. You have time to just get straight with yourself. It sounds like you may need to take a break and decide what you want to do with your life.
You mentioned having an allergy so you have flu like symptoms, it could be diet related. I myself was severely allergic to something and I was bed ridden for a couple of years. I finally discovered it was MSG and all glutamic acid causing my symptoms (flu like, fevers, flushing, bloating, HBP etc.) Keep your diet in mind, maybe clean it up a bit and try eating whole foods for a week, see if it improves. A lot of people are sensitive to gluten, you could try cutting it out for awhile. These food sensitivities can cause psychiatric symptoms.
Another thing that struck me is that you seem like a highly sensitive person. Have you ever done any reading on that topic? It's really interesting. Here is a link: http://www.drjudithorloff.com/Press-Room/Psychology_Today_A_Guide_to_the_Highly_Sensitive_Person.htm

I think if we can accept ourselves and see that we have value we will get the confidence we need. How to do that? Well, I myself am still working on it. I think I can get there someday!
You sound like an interesting person. Hope you decide to post often, and please, once again, don't hurt yourself raying:

 

[Luka]

Please don't end your life or hurt yourself, I understand how painful it is for you. But the only way you can get better is to get help, I know it's hard but you can do it. There's a whole bunch of us on this forum that would be willing to help and talk to you. And if you ever need a friend I would gladly be one. I for one, don't think you are just 'shy' or a 'coward' you clearly have identified that you are feeling depressed and have anxiety so you are suffering and it's not your fault. I hope things get better for you.

 

[R3K]

They keep saying stop being shy and be like my cousins or other family members.

them saying this is their way of dealing with shy/social phobic ppl they can't understand.

Worse sometimes they make jokes about me in front of other people or public that embarrasses me.

same thing, they wanna feel like they're being productive in encouraging you to be more outgoing like them by mocking u and getting u mad so you'll come out of your shell(I hate this cliché btw) and join their cool perfect world.

Like I even plan on what actions would I take when going to a grocery store.

over-analysis leads to paralysis. when you go to the store, don't plan little actions, just browse around aimlessly and look at cool stuff then one by one go find the things you need to buy. just get in the store first and get comfortable then start going for objectives afterward. I like going to the grocery stores with little starbucks coffee shops cause I just go there first, get an iced latte then cruise around and enjoy life.

Just as I stated earlier non of my family member will believe that I have some sort of illness. That I'm just shy and I just have to gain courage. . . . And in my country. . . I'm gonna be blacklisted and they won't give me back my diploma because I abandoned my job.

your immediate family and friends seem very uneducated on social phobia / shyness issues. don't hate or blame them. let them live their lives. take ur time researching this website and other resources and let the techiques/methods come to you. if you wanna try therapy then do it, don't worry about what everyone thinks about you going to therapy.

 

[Lavinialuna]

Vileblaze, hope you are feeling better today.

 

[vileblaze]

Thanks guys.

I'm still hanging here for now.

I read some stuff about therapy and unfortunately it made me quite frightened. Like there's misdiagnosis and some therapists just prescribes pills right away not bother taking time talking to their patients. And side effects of the drugs can even make someone even feel worse.

I'm sorry I just get scared too easily.

I just feel like it's gonna be a waste since it might not even help me or make it even worse.

thanks guys again.