Is it social phobia... or...?

[pinkputter]

I haven't posted on here in a very long time. I consider it progress only because I feel like I am doing more w/ my life where as before I was on the computer more to make myself feel better...VS. now, I am making myself feel better with skills I have learned. And I wish this for everyone on here.

But as most of you on here know, its a JOURNEY not a destination, and I feel like I am in some-what of a rut lately.

My therapist told me I'm not a social butterfly and that kind of hurt. I never considered myself one, but since he paid attention to that I kind of haven't been the same since. As a child, I was shy but had friends and was happy so I didn't mind and my self-esteem didn't suffer. Recently I realized that I "suffer" from being self conscious the most...not neccessarily being shy, or socially phobic.

Thoughts anyone on this? Do you relate? Have any advice to help yourself or others be less self-conscious?
I don't have much advice because I am still going thru this myself, but I did find an article on "how not to be self-conscious" from WikiHow
You can go to it here: How to Stop Feeling Self Conscious - wikiHow

 

[Feathers]

hmm, what's 'a social butterfly'? And how is one defined? Are they raised or bred? Do you order it in a catalogue?

I think your therapist was just trying to make you feel better (which sadly misfired). A great teacher (whom I adored!) in 2nd grade of primary school once did the same to me. She said, 'Not everyone is for everything.' And I was miserable ever since, thinking I could NEVER be good at sports! (Because I was not-so-successful in PE as elsewhere in 2nd grade, and she tried to cheer me up with a silly sentence that stuck in my memory.)

Instead, it would've been MUCH better if there were structured exercises and ideally support structure in and outside of school to eg go walking/running/exercising together (my parents/family/neighbours were just NOT sporty!!)

Later (after primary school) we got a good PE teacher in high school and I even learnt to ENJOY slowly jogging/walking/hiking/playing basketball etc. (Shocking, I know! ) I'll probably never win the Olympics, that was never my goal anyway!! (too old to start as a figure skater anyway! but I digress..)

Maybe the therapist just thought that while some people are/can be EXTREMELY sociable, some naturally prefer less people and more 'quality over quantity' approach - it can be difficult to know and interact with huge quantities of people on a 'deep' level, some 'very sociable' people can be kinda 'superficial' too, or talk of irrelavant things, and well, would you even want to be one of such people?

What does being a 'social butterfly' mean to you, and what to your therapist? Maybe you guys can talk about it at a point?
For some, it can be positive, for others, negative..

As for being a 'social butterfly', I think at times I have been (seen as) something like that, and at times not.. It's just a set of behaviors that can be related to levels of energy, life circumstances, how well you know those people at the event, what you have to say, etc. My sis became a 'social butterfly' after she has been to China and Japan - everybody wanted to hear about it and learn some words!! (Then she became more solitary again, but I think she has it in her to be a 'social butterfly' again!)

PS Hey! Glad to see you here, I've seen some of your old threads - intelligent and FUN! I think you can be a social butterfly if you want to!!

 

[JamesSmith]

Once again, a therapist tries to tell how it is. Don't get me wrong, therapists are usually good at what they do, but I've had 5 different therapists and came out of there with the confidence that the only person who really knows me is, well....me. What your therapist didn't realize is him saying you "aren't a social butterfly," is very similar to saying "you will struggle for the rest of your life at making relationships and have social anxiety." The problem with therapists is the same problem with much of society, many of them believe that shy people have to be this assertive person all of the time and contribute 50% of one-on-one conversations, and if they don't do that, then they are being "passive," ugh. What therapists fail to recognize is that shy people are great listeners and that when we aren't talking we are, guess what? Listening! Listening is the most underrated aspect of conversations. We shouldn't be contributing 50% of a conversation all of the time considering we have less to say, or at least many of us have less to say than outgoing people I assume if you are anything like me. There is nothing wrong with being a passive, listener and letting the other person talk. You don't have to be a "social butterfly" especially because that's not who you are anyways. It's okay to just have a few friends. It's okay to spend some nights alone. Don't let your therapist convince you that you have to be this ultra-assertive, demanding talker. Play to your strengths, which is speaking when you have something to say, and listening when they have something to say. Most therapists are good, but don't forget that most of these therapist aren't SA people so they don't know what it's like to be in your shoes. In a way, it's like a civilian reading a bunch of books about war and then going to tell a soldier in Afghanistan what the soldier is going through.

 

[pinkputter]

Feathers, your post was very sweet and helpful. Looks like besides the sp (or whatever it is) we also have something else in common: those harsh memories from maybe years ago that still have an impact on us even if the ones saying it had never intended to be harsh. I think everyone living on this planet generally has those memories and you hope to never have it happen again, though its somewhat inevitable.
You kind of have to build a up resiliency...and though I would not describe myself as a resilient person, I think I am a whole heck of a lot resilient than I was years ago.

As for the social butterfly thing, I don't know what my therapist would define it as, but my understanding of it is, just a socially capable person, you might say the life of the party, but mainly someone who handles social situations gracefully. Your comment about them being bred made me laugh.

I think some are able to be social butterflies naturally but honestly if people work at social skills you can eventually be more outgoing or whatever you want to be. I wish I was always the way I was when I studied abroad. I was outgoing and had the time of my life. (For two months). I would go so far as to say I was a social butterfly. Yet, at certain social scenes I come across awkward or self conscious.

Ah well, I am a work in progress. Glad to hear from you. Take care!=)