Is he a "Friend" or "More"?

[sweetncute_shy]

Hi all, I'm new here so not sure if this is the right place to post.But anyway posting it here as I would like to have your suggestions. It's a long story. I will try to keep it short.

I'm very shy, introverted and reserved. I only have a very few friends and there is this "special" guy whom I'm very close to because he also shy just like me and I can relate to him. But lately, he does not talk to me like he used to before and I feel it is because he is very much hurt by my cold attitude towards him and he seems lost and lonely. He is a very sweet guy and loves me a lot but whenever he has expressed it to me, I have walked away as I dint want to get into all that because I'm not sure if he is the right guy however one thing is for sure he cares for me a lot and makes me feel special . He used to care for me so much that it irriated me to some extent at times. But now I feel as if I took him for granted and starting to realize his importance . I miss him a lot and also feeling something for him but still not sure if it is love. I'm damn confused, should I be just friends with him which i think is hurting him as he loves me (though he has never pushed me to love him) or give it some more time to know what I exactly feel for him but it has already been a year since we have known each other. I also want to make him feel special by loving him the way he loves me but I'm still uncertain about our relationship . Am I being selfish here by not trying to push myslef a bit more for a person who cares and loves me a lot. This guy is so caring and loyal that I feel someone better than me might make his life special but he always says that "special someone might be you".

I know it is very hard to find someone who is so caring and loving especially since I'm also shy and introverted.

Thanks in advance for reading!!!

 

[mixedupgirl]

If you like him in a romantic way then you should give it a go definitely but if your not really attracted to him and he is just a good friend, you'd be making him happy but then what about yourself......you can't force yourself to like someone in a romantic way just because they like you in that way.

Are you sure your not questioning whether you should get with him, so that you don't lose his friendship?

If you do get with him and you don't fancy him (which it sounds like you don't or else something probably would have happened by now) it could either end up ruining your friendship if it doesn't work out OR he could end up growing on you and you could end up falling in love.

Imo only you can truly answer this for yourself....

 

[sweetncute_shy]

If you like him in a romantic way then you should give it a go definitely but if your not really attracted to him and he is just a good friend, you'd be making him happy but then what about yourself......you can't force yourself to like someone in a romantic way just because they like you in that way.

Are you sure your not questioning whether you should get with him, so that you don't lose his friendship?

If you do get with him and you don't fancy him (which it sounds like you don't or else something probably would have happened by now) it could either end up ruining your friendship if it doesn't work out OR he could end up growing on you and you could end up falling in love.

Imo only you can truly answer this for yourself....

Thanks for your response, yeah you are right I'm not sure. We are so close that I never though of him in a romantic way but I'm wondering why because he is sweet, pretty handsome and the thing I like about him the most is that he is very loyal, I can be certain that he will never cheat on me. I really don't know what i feel for him.I just don't want to lose him or make him feel lonely. It is a tricky situation. Iam really confused.

 

[SeasonalBlues]

So what is the situation with you and this guy at the moment, are you still talking?

 

[jaim38]

I agree with mixedupgirl. If the feelings are mutual, go for it. If not, don't pursue it because both of you will end up being hurt.

I know it is very hard to find someone who is so caring and loving especially since I'm also shy and introverted.

Thanks in advance for reading!!!

Don't sell yourself short. There are plenty of caring and loving guys out there. I watch dating shows and I've seen women who were overweight, had disabilities, etc get taken out. I remember distinctly one girl who had no arms. She had concerns that men will not want her because they think she'll be a hassle to take care of. But guess what, a guy came and chose her.

 

[sweetncute_shy]

So what is the situation with you and this guy at the moment, are you still talking?

Yeah we are in touch and still talk but i could feel that he is feeling lonely because of me. I wish i could make him feel better.

 

[sweetncute_shy]

I agree with mixedupgirl. If the feelings are mutual, go for it. If not, don't pursue it because both of you will end up being hurt.



Don't sell yourself short. There are plenty of caring and loving guys out there. I watch dating shows and I've seen women who were overweight, had disabilities, etc get taken out. I remember distinctly one girl who had no arms. She had concerns that men will not want her because they think she'll be a hassle to take care of. But guess what, a guy came and chose her.

I'm just not sure about the feelings yet but don't you think that when someone loves that deeply it is our responsibility to give it back to that person?

 

[jaim38]

I'm just not sure about the feelings yet but don't you think that when someone loves that deeply it is our responsibility to give it back to that person?

Maybe, but if you don't love that person, you will only be hurting yourself. You probably don't want to hurt his feelings, but your feelings matter too.

 

[mixedupgirl]

I'm just not sure about the feelings yet but don't you think that when someone loves that deeply it is our responsibility to give it back to that person?

You can love your friends, you don't have to be in a relationship with them. But you would have to make it clear to him you just want to be friends or he will think you are leading him on. If he can't be just your friend and is giving you any kind of ultimatum when you are unsure, then maybe it's best to let him go.

I think you need to give yourself some time to think over what you really want.

 

[skins]

You can love your friends, you don't have to be in a relationship with them. But you would have to make it clear to him you just want to be friends or he will think you are leading him on. If he can't be just your friend and is giving you any kind of ultimatum when you are unsure, then maybe it's best to let him go.

I think you need to give yourself some time to think over what you really want.

Depends, it can be hard for guys to just stay friends if they like you in that way, but you have placed them in the friend zone...not impossible, but difficult.

I think if you say that to them, they think there is no chance of anything happening in the future so will then either not bother putting the effort in to be friends anymore...or stick around if theyd rather be friends with you then nothing at all, or hold they hope that your feelings for him may change in the future.

 

[mixedupgirl]

Depends, it can be hard for guys to just stay friends if they like you in that way, but you have placed them in the friend zone...not impossible, but difficult.

I think if you say that to them, they think there is no chance of anything happening in the future so will then either not bother putting the effort in to be friends anymore...or stick around if theyd rather be friends with you then nothing at all, or hold they hope that your feelings for him may change in the future.

If his sole intention is to see if he can get with her romantically and she only wants him to be a friend then it's not going to work...

 

[sweetncute_shy]

Maybe, but if you don't love that person, you will only be hurting yourself. You probably don't want to hurt his feelings, but your feelings matter too.

Yes i know that but it is so hard for me to hurt his feelings.

You can love your friends, you don't have to be in a relationship with them. But you would have to make it clear to him you just want to be friends or he will think you are leading him on. If he can't be just your friend and is giving you any kind of ultimatum when you are unsure, then maybe it's best to let him go.

I think you need to give yourself some time to think over what you really want.

Hmm yeah but I wish time can change my feelings towards him so that nobody gets hurt.

Depends, it can be hard for guys to just stay friends if they like you in that way, but you have placed them in the friend zone...not impossible, but difficult.

I think if you say that to them, they think there is no chance of anything happening in the future so will then either not bother putting the effort in to be friends anymore...or stick around if theyd rather be friends with you then nothing at all, or hold they hope that your feelings for him may change in the future.

yeah I'm hoping i can change my feelings towards him.

 

[Scrobes]

This sounds scarily close to a situation I've just been in. Though instead, I am the guy. My situation has roughly come to its conclusion, but the details, at least from what you have shared so far, are strikingly similar - almost to the point I actually thought you might have been her. But I think it is just literally a pure, and innocent coincidence.

Anyway, so I'd like to try and help. But we need a few more facts. Has he explicitly expressed his feelings for you in an unambiguous way? It's not clear from what you said. If he had, but you were indifferent at the time (which is fine btw), he might be hanging around to see which way you jump off the fence.

The problem with these situations is that when someone falls for someone else, it's usually at a faster rate than the other person. The acceleration effect. It seems rare that your appreciation/desire for someone evolves at the same rate as the other person. He obviously sees/recognises something in you and I suppose at this point you haven't quite had that realisation about him yet yourself - though it looks like you just might be starting to.

If your friendship/relationship was a book, he's on like page 100, but you're on page 23 still. Everyone else has offered good comments. My estimation is, you probably still need more time to know how you feel about him in this respect. So with the analogy, this would be you reaching page 80 or page 90 for example. When you get close enough to where he is, you will have a better undestanding of your own perspective towards him. But you can't rush these 60 odd pages of the book though, you have to go at your own pace. You must *always* go at your own pace. (And he needs to understand that too). I know I might be complicating it with that explanation, because after all you're still just friends, if good friends, at this point, but I think it's relatively accurate.

The question is whether he can hang around a bit longer while you "catch up", in order to know better how you feel about things, or if he's going to get impatient and stop reading the book altogether. Judging by what you said about him, and if it was me, if there was even a small amount of genuine reciprocation from you, he'd probably hang around for quite a while. The fact that you're making a thread about this because of the uncertainty might illustrate that you do have doubts, but that is perfectly reasonable. If you already knew you only wanted him as a friend, you wouldn't have made the thread. I think ppl spend so long looking at the horizon, they forget the distance to it. You don't have to commit to anything except the next step in front of you. So what I am saying is, the development of your friendship into something much more special, is *allowed* to be incremental and progressive - and for most arguments, it actually should be. Never rush. This allows you to learn about each other in this new way, while continually evaluating how you feel about each other (if this makes sense). Eventually you will arrive at the point where you think, "Oh heck, I really do think he might be the right guy" which then you *should* feel more confident about commiting to traveling to the horizon or, "I've taken the time to get to know him better, and I realise we can only be friends." It takes courage to admit to having feelings for someone, and it also takes courage to admit you don't, but never feel bad about not having the same feelings for him as he does you.

You can't force yourself to like him. And yes, it's exceptionally sweet to say that you want to love him back in the same way, and shows how nice of a person you are. But you have to be fair to yourself also. Even more importantly, and I think your guy would agree with me if he has good integrity and so on - he would want you to love him because you love him, not out of obligation or a sense of duty/balance (even though as I said, it's very nice to hear). Put yourself in his shoes; if you really liked a guy, and he wasn't sure yet, but felt that maybe he should match your expression because it's "fair", you would be a bit unhappy about it, because deep down you would like someone to love you because they genuinely do feel it.

So lets see. It depends on what sort of guy he is. But as I asked above, if he has openly expressed his feelings towards you, you *are* allowed to talk about it with him. Be honest, be communicative. You're allowed to say, "I don't know how I feel about you yet", and in the bigger scheme of things, most guys will appreciate *a* response, rather than silence and/or evasion, trust me on this. ;x Hopefully, he will be understanding - oh and also coupled with the knowledge of the fact that you need more time, and after said time passes the result might be that you realise you only want to be friends with him. This might not really be what he wants to hear, but he will appreciate being talked to about it I think. Again, this is all based on him having expressed his feelings openly. If he *hasn't*, then you don't necessarily need to say anything yet, and just wait for more time to pass to see how you feel.

But that is quite a big grey area of intangibility. Because if he hasn't said anything so far, then how you think he feels is based on assumption I suppose? That is risky. Basically, as I've been through all this junk before, it is better to deal with facts. Lay stuff down on the table in the open for him to see, and same with him for you to see, and deal with what is officially shown. When you start second guessing each other, it becomes a minefield of projected estimation and framework. Better to deal with facts. Don't start second-guessing each other and jumping at shadows. :>

I am rambling like a crazy thing, so I'll stop, but please feel free to PM me if you want a perspective of a guy who has been in this *exact* situation for the last year. It will be treated confidentially, seriously and I'll do my best to help.

 

[SeasonalBlues]

This sounds scarily close to a situation I've just been in. Though instead, I am the guy. My situation has roughly come to its conclusion, but the details, at least from what you have shared so far, are strikingly similar - almost to the point I actually thought you might have been her. But I think it is just literally a pure, and innocent coincidence.

Yep it was the same for me, this situation must be more common than i thought.

 

[sweetncute_shy]

If his sole intention is to see if he can get with her romantically and she only wants him to be a friend then it's not going to work...

If his sole intention was to get with me romanticially then don't you think he would have walked away when I told him that "I dont feel the same for you". I have even told him please move on as you deserve someone better however he is so emtionally attached to me that he says he just can't go away from me. I'm the only one with whom he is so close and shares his feelings and thoughts and he wants me to be with him.

 

[sweetncute_shy]

This sounds scarily close to a situation I've just been in. Though instead, I am the guy. My situation has roughly come to its conclusion, but the details, at least from what you have shared so far, are strikingly similar - almost to the point I actually thought you might have been her. But I think it is just literally a pure, and innocent coincidence.

Anyway, so I'd like to try and help. But we need a few more facts. Has he explicitly expressed his feelings for you in an unambiguous way? It's not clear from what you said. If he had, but you were indifferent at the time (which is fine btw), he might be hanging around to see which way you jump off the fence.

The problem with these situations is that when someone falls for someone else, it's usually at a faster rate than the other person. The acceleration effect. It seems rare that your appreciation/desire for someone evolves at the same rate as the other person. He obviously sees/recognises something in you and I suppose at this point you haven't quite had that realisation about him yet yourself - though it looks like you just might be starting to.

If your friendship/relationship was a book, he's on like page 100, but you're on page 23 still. Everyone else has offered good comments. My estimation is, you probably still need more time to know how you feel about him in this respect. So with the analogy, this would be you reaching page 80 or page 90 for example. When you get close enough to where he is, you will have a better undestanding of your own perspective towards him. But you can't rush these 60 odd pages of the book though, you have to go at your own pace. You must *always* go at your own pace. (And he needs to understand that too). I know I might be complicating it with that explanation, because after all you're still just friends, if good friends, at this point, but I think it's relatively accurate.

The question is whether he can hang around a bit longer while you "catch up", in order to know better how you feel about things, or if he's going to get impatient and stop reading the book altogether. Judging by what you said about him, and if it was me, if there was even a small amount of genuine reciprocation from you, he'd probably hang around for quite a while. The fact that you're making a thread about this because of the uncertainty might illustrate that you do have doubts, but that is perfectly reasonable. If you already knew you only wanted him as a friend, you wouldn't have made the thread. I think ppl spend so long looking at the horizon, they forget the distance to it. You don't have to commit to anything except the next step in front of you. So what I am saying is, the development of your friendship into something much more special, is *allowed* to be incremental and progressive - and for most arguments, it actually should be. Never rush. This allows you to learn about each other in this new way, while continually evaluating how you feel about each other (if this makes sense). Eventually you will arrive at the point where you think, "Oh heck, I really do think he might be the right guy" which then you *should* feel more confident about commiting to traveling to the horizon or, "I've taken the time to get to know him better, and I realise we can only be friends." It takes courage to admit to having feelings for someone, and it also takes courage to admit you don't, but never feel bad about not having the same feelings for him as he does you.

You can't force yourself to like him. And yes, it's exceptionally sweet to say that you want to love him back in the same way, and shows how nice of a person you are. But you have to be fair to yourself also. Even more importantly, and I think your guy would agree with me if he has good integrity and so on - he would want you to love him because you love him, not out of obligation or a sense of duty/balance (even though as I said, it's very nice to hear). Put yourself in his shoes; if you really liked a guy, and he wasn't sure yet, but felt that maybe he should match your expression because it's "fair", you would be a bit unhappy about it, because deep down you would like someone to love you because they genuinely do feel it.

So lets see. It depends on what sort of guy he is. But as I asked above, if he has openly expressed his feelings towards you, you *are* allowed to talk about it with him. Be honest, be communicative. You're allowed to say, "I don't know how I feel about you yet", and in the bigger scheme of things, most guys will appreciate *a* response, rather than silence and/or evasion, trust me on this. ;x Hopefully, he will be understanding - oh and also coupled with the knowledge of the fact that you need more time, and after said time passes the result might be that you realise you only want to be friends with him. This might not really be what he wants to hear, but he will appreciate being talked to about it I think. Again, this is all based on him having expressed his feelings openly. If he *hasn't*, then you don't necessarily need to say anything yet, and just wait for more time to pass to see how you feel.

But that is quite a big grey area of intangibility. Because if he hasn't said anything so far, then how you think he feels is based on assumption I suppose? That is risky. Basically, as I've been through all this junk before, it is better to deal with facts. Lay stuff down on the table in the open for him to see, and same with him for you to see, and deal with what is officially shown. When you start second guessing each other, it becomes a minefield of projected estimation and framework. Better to deal with facts. Don't start second-guessing each other and jumping at shadows. :>

I am rambling like a crazy thing, so I'll stop, but please feel free to PM me if you want a perspective of a guy who has been in this *exact* situation for the last year. It will be treated confidentially, seriously and I'll do my best to help.

Hey thanks a lot for such a detailed post. Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it. So what is the sitaution now between you guys, Are you still together?

You have explained it very well with your example and I think you are absolutely correct, for a relationship to be successful bothe the persons have to be on the same page.

I would like to have a solution to this so that nobody is hurt.

 

[sweetncute_shy]

Yep it was the same for me, this situation must be more common than i thought.

yeah it seems like this situation is more common with shy people.

 

[Scrobes]

If his sole intention was to get with me romanticially then don't you think he would have walked away when I told him that "I dont feel the same for you". I have even told him please move on as you deserve someone better however he is so emtionally attached to me that he says he just can't go away from me. I'm the only one with whom he is so close and shares his feelings and thoughts and he wants me to be with him.

Maybe he *is* considering moving on but hasn't made it clear to you yet. And maybe he hasn't made it clear to you yet, because it's possible that he's trying to give you time to see if you come to a similar position as he is in. That moment of revelation. Maybe deep down he has an idea that even though maybe you say one thing, your actions say something else. Perhaps he's not convinced you are sure about it yourself.

Maybe in his mind the "deserve someone better" *is* actually you, but this is naturally something hard for you to appreciate. When he said you might be the one, he probably meant it with a lot of conviction. (Yes he said 'might' but he is trying to be realistic as perhaps he sees and recognises the potential there, but is trying to remain balanced about the possibility) You have to trust in his words and the fact he's been around for this long and still is around.

Do you genuinely want him to move on because you don't feel the same yet, or because you don't think you're good enough for him? ;x All I'd say is, give yourself a chance, and give him a chance.

 

[Scrobes]

Hey thanks a lot for such a detailed post. Thanks for your insight. I appreciate it. So what is the sitaution now between you guys, Are you still together?

You have explained it very well with your example and I think you are absolutely correct, for a relationship to be successful bothe the persons have to be on the same page.

I would like to have a solution to this so that nobody is hurt.

You're more than welcome.

Regrettably, my situation hasn't turned out how I hoped. I can't really go into details of course, but it's left me pretty hollow and lost. I'm just at the point now where I'm going to break contact with her, because I'm finding that I can't come back down from where I was and *only* be a friend to her. It's a shame but that's the way things go. I really fell for her. It took a lot of courage to tell her how I felt, and it's going to take a lot of courage to break contact. :\

You have to understand there are guys like me who only ever seek one type of girl in our lives. Not necessarily through choice, but because of the way I am built. I felt that the compatibility potential with her was off the scale (more than anyone else I've ever met), and for it to not work out has left me numb. Like your guy, I never pushed her, nor would I. I'm 35, I've never been in a relationship, I'm still a virgin, and the last time I kissed a girl was when I was 13. I've been emotionally dormant for the last decade, and she brought me back to life without probably realising she did.

Anyway.. without scaring you, I don't know if there is a solution where no one gets hurt. This is the way of the world and human interaction; there is always vulnerability when you express feelings for someone. It's no one's fault that someone fell for you. As I said above, maybe you just need a bit more time to know if you feel the same way or not. Understand though if you make a decision and he decides to move on, you may not get another chance with him. ;x So really take the time to think about it, don't rush.

 

[mixedupgirl]

If his sole intention was to get with me romanticially then don't you think he would have walked away when I told him that "I dont feel the same for you". I have even told him please move on as you deserve someone better however he is so emtionally attached to me that he says he just can't go away from me. I'm the only one with whom he is so close and shares his feelings and thoughts and he wants me to be with him.

I thought you said in your first post he "isn't talking to you lately" and you "miss him" which gives the impression he's distanced himself from you and from what you just said in this quote that you've told him you don't feel the same that's likely the reason why.

I think what Scrobes has said sounds very helpful as he's been in the same situation and has given you a perspective from the guys point of view. I don't think your going to get better help then that. I know you want a solution where nobody gets hurt but that's not always possible.....you can't please everybody all the time.

I hope it goes well for you whatever you decide. :thumbup: