Irreparable jealousy

[peelnstick]

Yeah I know I don't have a huge post count; it seems like I just post to complain

I have a jealousy problem. My friend, let's call him "John", is better than me at everything we have in common, and he does many things well that I could never dream of.

Every time I see him or talk to him I get a feeling of anger welling up because I know the conversation will end with me walking away feeling down about myself. Nine times out of ten, this is the case.

I always tell myself when we start a conversation that I'll "not get jealous this time and not let him get to me", but inevitably by the time he leaves, I'm feeling terrible.

I just got an e-mail from him this morning; he'd been feeling down and he was telling me all about what was happening in his life since he's feeling better.

He and his other friend(s) are playing music, writing lyrics, he's doing research for a blog, finding a job, etc. And that's just over the last week. Don't even get me started on how much other stuff he's doing.

He's also a great studier, debater, well-versed in *everything* he tries, funny, very outgoing and social, everything I want to be.

And here I am sitting flat on my ass, with absolutely nothing to my name at all. No job, no license, no musical ability, no life outside of my house, no writing ability, nothing at all.

I wish I could just tell him to "STOP! LET ME LIVE A WHILE!", but I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Not like that would stop him though, he's stubborn as hell. He'd tell me how he's "not going to stop living his life" for my sake.. I've been down that hellish road before.

Speaking of stubbornness, what I've ended up doing is resorting to looking for his flaws. It's sadistic but the only way I'm comfortable around him is when I can say I do something he doesn't or I feel like I have a stronger moral basis than him. Truth be told, I really don't have either.

What I find is that since I have very little "proudness" to hold on to I tend to talk about myself too much. I have to find ways to validate myself because otherwise I'm so uncomfortable with my lack of progress compared to him.

It kind of feels a bit like he's doing this on purpose, even though I know he's probably not and I'm reading more into it than he is.

I love him to death but sometimes it's beyond stressful to talk to him because I'm always feeling belittled. It's not his fault though.

It's strange that I don't do this with anyone else but him. It's almost like I idolize him. He's my sole measure of success (yes yes I know, unhealthy). I think it was just because I was hoping I could find another person to get close to who would understand, and while he's been very accepting, and we are quite close..I hope, it just doesn't feel quite right.

On the upside I finally made it more than 5 miles away from my house At least he was proud of me for that.

 

[ApRiLGeTsAngry77]

You should be happy for your friend. I know that it is hard to do but instead of feeling jealousy, feel happy that you have such a great friend. Maybe try working on some of the things he has that you don't. Try improving yourself. Everyone has different and diverse skills. You could use him as motivation to improve yourself!

 

[JCS008]

I think many people have that type of friend in their lives. The one friend who you will always compete with on every aspect of life, or they'll do exactly the same. Sometimes its in good fun, but some other times, they are basically another enemy trying to compete with you, but you remain "friends" just out of respect or because you've known each toehr for so long.

I am a competitive person by nature, and had several friends I competed with growing up. Sometimes you just need to get to the point and say it's pointless to compete with anyone else but yourself. Everyone lives different lives. Different familys, different interests, different personalities and different situations and opportunities.

I think you really need to evaluate if this guy is truly a friend to you or not. And if you really do care about him as a friend. If you don't and you're only keeping contact with him out of having a history with one another, it might be best to slowly ease him out of your life as a close friend. It seems like talking to him and being around him just brings out the worst in you. You know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you can try to contact him much much less. Perhaps reply longer to his E-Mails and what not. Then you can take this time to work on your own life. And a true friend will understand you taking time to yourself.

 

[Sinar_Matahari]

I do know how you feel to a certain extent. I do envy my friends for their success and for having things that I lack, yet, I don't feel angry towards them. I've been trying not to compare myself to others unless I can handle not measuring up. lol Being happy for others whom you envy benefits both you and the object of your envy. If you can be happy for them, you can be proud of them, and you won't feel so bad about yourself in the process. If you can reach past your envy and remain a loyal, supportive friend, this is an achievement in itself and will not only make you proud of yourself but will encourage you to continue on the same road.

I find that expressing my envy to my friends helps. Once you verbalize it to the person, it won't have that sinister, secretive quality to it. The psychology of envy dictates that some people experience envy as a form of persecution. It's important to understand that we are responsible for how we feel about ourselves. I think it's worth mentioning that you are rational enough to understand that your friend isn't being successful to spite you!

Maybe you can talk to your friend and ask him to help you out in the things that you may need to work on. After all, what are friends for?

 

[Cynic]

He'd tell me how he's "not going to stop living his life" for my sake.

And why should he? Quite frankly I think you're lucky that he is happy with your company and doesn't slag you off to all his mates. I've been in company with plenty of the latter in years past.

It's strange that I don't do this with anyone else but him.

So you feel inferior to one friend? Big deal! Once you realise, or at least, feel inferior to nearly everyone then you have a problem.

 

[JCS008]

Wow Serafina. Sometimes you wonder if people like that are true friends. Is the reason you two still keep in touch because you're actually really friends or because neither of you are willing to end the relationship. But I guess since you really care about her, then the friendship is worth hanging on to. Not many people are blessed to have a friend for that long. But at the same time, why have a friend in your life if they constantly try to put you down or make you feel so bad about yourself?

I had some friends who we competed against since childhood, and sometimes I notice they still try to compete with me about things. But I'm at the point in my life where I only do things for my own improvement and not for others. Maybe the small exception is for my family so they don't worry about me and have confidence that I'll be Ok in life. But with most friends, I figure I'll always be there for them and hope that they'd return the favor. But in the end, everything I do in life to improve myself is for me, and I try not to care about what they think.

These days, I can tell it bothers them that I don't really care about their successes and I don't have much of a reaction other than a typical "Congrats" or "That's great." I really do wish them the best, but the competition with others for me is over. I'm only in competition with myself and whatever problems I may have.

 

[peelnstick]

I don't really expect him to stop living his life for me, and I'd rather he didn't. It just feels like I'm being choked down. It's hard to put into words.

And truthfully, whenever he's gone I miss him quite a bit but I feel a lot better after some "away time". But, eventually, we end up right back where we were.

He knows how I feel, I tend to talk about it..perhaps too much.

I'll try to heed the advice of getting him to help me out; he's tried before but I'm too stubborn for my own good. Maybe I should just let it happen.

Thanks everyone I realize how stupid and immature this sounds, so thanks for reading and/or replying. It's a lesson I still have yet to grasp completely I suppose.

 

[sara26]

Everybody is different, we all have our talents and our own personnality, and if you sit down ur ass and do nothing, that's not ur friend fault but urs. Look at yourself and like everyone else u have something good in u for sure!! U cannot be like ur friend so get over it and do ur own things. Make goals and focus on u. Jealousy is a bad thing!! U should be happy for ur friend if u care.