Impossible.

[redmatter]

How can you make friends as a thirty-something? Being a rightfully paranoid introvert with issues people stab at every turn, I don't know which way is up. If you try and befriend a dude, it seems like you're gay. If you try to befriend a girl, everyone assumes it's sexual, or it should be - and if it isn't your gay, and if it isn't you're really gay. Or the other option is to befriend a friend who has many friends, who'll then use you because they think you're beneath them, so you gotta deal with being the slug as usual - in which case nobody respects you, and it's a spiral towards hell. I don't think or work like they do, I have no social gauge, and listen... it can ruin a person. Ruin. Being ruined, socially screwed means people know about me before I know what their names are, it's a minefield. I see-saw back and forth, knowing I need to solve it somehow but I'm like Swiss cheese. I need a compass.

So what am I to do really?

 

[Invisibleman]

well I really dont know what to say because im in the same position(except im a lot younger than you) but I can relate to this especially the girl one.

I cant talk to girls at all.I wonder how im ever going to gain a girlfriend when talking to girls for me is like walking across a tightrope over the grand canyon..
so I figure the first step is to just try to become friends with a girl.But that proves to be a challenge when a girl thinks im a creep trying to get in her pants if I even say hi to her at the mall or something.

And I can also relate to the many friends one. I had one friend for the longest time,he found a big group of new friends and I was basically at the bottom of them all because I was different from them.

I was into sports which is far superior than their stupid world of warcraft which is hilarious right?I was an athlete trying to make something of myself and transforming my body into peak physical condition and living a healthy life and they thought they were superior raiding azeroth or whatever the hell its called.

But for the longest time I would basically just follow them because I had nowhere else to go when they just snapped and were tired of me the slug.
They ordered me out of the group and my only friend sided with them. and here I am today with 0 friends.

My friend can go to hell though,to be honest thinking about him makes me so furious how he would just abandon me like that.We were friends for 8 years,.ive had some of the best memories of my life with him he was like my brother. Now thanks to him I have such a hard time trusting people and letting them get close to me....

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm in my late 30s, and i believe that some things are indeed "impossible". Socially-wise, i've been "left behind" & am probably at the social level overall of ~10 or less. Basically my brain's f*cked-up permanently people-wise (or so i believe). So i think, as it is for me, that you cannot just get "friends", of any particular age, but i think you COULD gain "almost-friends" by way of your work/job, adult schooling, landlord,.. - regularly seeing them, and there are "props" to aid in the friendship developing (as can't rely on own personality to form the friendship).
However, practically all the "friends" i have met in this way over the years, i have let go of, as soon as leaving the situation/place that i met them, due to my low self-confidence

 

[redmatter]

a girl thinks im a creep trying to get in her pants if I even say hi to her at the mall or something.

Heh, yea like all of them. Apparently, you must find the girl in high school or college and hunker down for the remainder of your existence. Or enjoy the curb.

They ordered me out of the group and my only friend sided with them. and here I am today with 0 friends.

I don't know, I've had friends and lost them too. Except, I never really felt like I belonged. It seemed like to me that was an objective of theirs. I don't know what to say about friends, I can't understand people.

Socially-wise, i've been "left behind" & am probably at the social level overall of ~10 or less. Basically my brain's f*cked-up permanently people-wise (or so i believe).

Me too, except I think people have gone out of their way to ensure this process for me. It's brilliant really, gang up on an individual and pick away at them over the years, then just say, "you only have yourself to blame for being alone now," or "you should really go and talk to someone." It really is sly plan.

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

If you ever do therapy, you could ask about group therapy even if just for the reason of making friends.
Any therapist would tell you that making friends is one way to speed up recovery, to boost self esteem - so they would be glad to help.


I've never assumed any guy making friends with me was only in it for one thing... and even if they were; they weren't going to get it anyways. Friendship is the limit of any relationship I am in and if people have a problem with it, they can bugger right off. haha
Most of my friends are guys.
Most of my friends are also older than me by 10+ years.

If you really want to make friends but you've got problems with paranoia, maybe you should try looking at friendship from a different perspective if you aren't already...
When making friends, remember that people are all people; all imperfect - and if anyone were to betray you for any reason once being your friend, it is fine. You can live without them because you already were before them.
I try to keep that in mind.
Sometimes it helps lessen my paranoia towards the people I'm friends with.
I can live without them- doesn't matter what they say or do. Enjoy life, enjoy the ride while it lasts... that sort of thing.

Also... there is nothing wrong with being gay-- and if you aren't gay you should feel confident enough in your own sexuality to not care what other people think. The fact is; you like women and the fact is also: you are looking for friendship- nothing more.

 

[redmatter]

People like to make assumptions like the one above purely because it gives them something 'interesting' to talk about.

Oh, you found this interesting?

Sometimes, they also speak like this to detract from their own insecurities, by trying to identify somebody else's.

We're on a forum called social phobia world, should be clear that my issues and insecurities are severe as they're real and imagined.

I know it can be hard to ignore such statements but remember that most people aren't as judgmental as this - we just notice the ones that are because they offend us more. Befriend whoever you want to befriend - as long as you know that all you're looking for is friendship then forget about the small-minded people who are suggesting otherwise.

OK I can deal with the last line, and apply that to my head jail as I move forward - now just gotta figure out the befriending part.

 

[redmatter]

If you really want to make friends but you've got problems with paranoia, maybe you should try looking at friendship from a different perspective if you aren't already...
When making friends, remember that people are all people; all imperfect - and if anyone were to betray you for any reason once being your friend, it is fine. You can live without them because you already were before them.
I try to keep that in mind.

I hear you, but it's in another dimension at this point. It's difficult to explain but, imagine a person in your life that you just couldn't connect with. They were aloof to you, or even dodgy and cautious. Now, apply that to most of the people that you meet and expand that to your friends group of friends etc., where you just can't seem to get a fair shake. That's a decades worth of trying to fit in and wrap my head around people. Every time I've confided in a friend, I've been stabbed in the back and their friends to spit in the wounds. You think that sounds dramatic and interesting? Believe.

Also... there is nothing wrong with being gay-- and if you aren't gay you should feel confident enough in your own sexuality to not care what other people think. The fact is; you like women and the fact is also: you are looking for friendship- nothing more.

Well, being confident in your own sexuality is one thing, sexual confidence is another for a number of reasons, far too complex to delve into, but it doesn't take too much imagination to figure out what can arise from the mix of social factors and phobias constantly at play here.

 

[redmatter]

Thanks twiggle, oh I see. My bad...