I'm thinking of dedicating everything to improving myself socially

[nothing else]

I'm currently at uni and have very little social life, low social skills ect. I realized I probably have some level of sad about two years ago, and I have managed to make some very gradual improvement, but some things have gradually gotten worse as well. Before this I had been trying/intending to improve myself socially for many years with little to show for it.

A month or so ago I came up with the idea of doing whatever it took to improve socially, and not letting anything else stand in my way. I realized that if I don't make a big change now it might never happen, and I could get sucked into a negative spiral for the rest of my life. I thought since I have so much more free time now than I likely will for most of my life, if I can't change now then there's no reason to expect it to happen later. I felt like I had nothing to loose if I couldn't change anyway so anything else didn't matter.

I felt a great surge of motivation and was about to do lots of great stuff, but then I wondered it such a decision is a good idea or not. On one hand, it seems like everything can be a lot easier if you just focus on one thing, and it is possible that if I don't do this I may never manage to get out of this situation. I think it would help me relax a lot and make it easier to make decisions.

On the other hand, I'm worried about the consequences this could possibly have. The biggest thing is my grades. I'm doing a 'useless degree', and I have no idea what I want to do, and I cannot see myself knowing that until I improve myself socially. But so far I have got reasonably good grades, and if I take this approach I may end up with bare passes, which would make it harder to get into courses in the future and maybe looking for jobs as well. I have no idea how much importance I should give to this though. Of course its possible I could get alright grades while doing this, but since I will be prepared to fail if that's what I have to do I can't really count on that.

It's possible I could improve really quickly and feel like an idiot for sacrificing things to get there. I think this is possible because I feel a lot more motivation with this attitude. But I can't see any other way to get this motivation. It's hard for me to focus on things for a long period of time because I get stressed out and distracted, and then I look back and realize that I never did any of the things I planned to.


I don't know what I'm going to do without doing this though, because I spend so much time stressing out over uni that I don't get much else done. It might make more sense to take a more balanced approach but I'm not sure if I can do this. In fact, I have no reason to expect that to work based on my many past attempts. It's possible that when I manage to get help that I will improve a lot all of a sudden, or that I could join a social group and get a better social life all of a sudden, but I don't think I can count on that.


I don't think I'm going to get that good grades next semester anyway, all of this stress and loneliness is getting harder to deal with. In fact, I think I may have already screwed up my degree this semester. It would make sense to take some time off uni, but that would mean I would have to justify the use of my time to my parents and that would put me under a lot of pressure, so I don't think that is an option at the moment.



Also, it might generally be a bad idea to do this because I could make other stupid/risky decisions. I'm not sure what I should do. It could be a really stupid idea. But I can't see any other way. And at some point this has to be appropriate, at some point I won't have anything to loose. If not now, when? I wish I had more life experience and people to ask IRL to make this decision, but all I've got now is the internet. I want to make sure that this isn't a really, really dumb idea, and if its not I'm probably going to do it.

 

[bigcat1967]

Try to find out what you really like in life. Once you figure that out - then go do it. I think the lack of motivation is because your taking classes you really don't like.

 

[Tripolar]

NO! DON'T DO IT! I did that very thing in high school and regetted it and will regret it forever. Not only did my grades fail I ended up doing terribly stupid things that I'm embarressed about to this day. The chain reaction for mistakes like this go on for miles. I am still suffering the consequences. Please, just stay in school, worry about your grades and take your time. The world won't end tomorrow if you don't fit in today. My suggestion would be to figure out your interest and work toward a degree in that area. Then you will be around people everyday that you have something in common with and those are the people that you can have real friendships with, as opposed to the passing aquaintences you meet while ruining your life. Sorry if I sound really dramatic but that is exactly what happened to me. The "friends" you would make while partying and slacking of in class aren't the kind of people who are going to be there for you when you need them. Find an academic who is interested in the same work you are. You could make a friend that will encourage you to succeed in life instead of one who will encourage you to but the next 30 pack.

 

[nothing else]

Thanks for the advice guys. I know it was a long post so thanks for reading.

Try to find out what you really like in life. Once you figure that out - then go do it. I think the lack of motivation is because your taking classes you really don't like.

I planned to do a double major. With one of the majors I have kind of got sick of it and that has made things harder. But I really like the other major. Only problem is, it doesn't lead to any jobs except academia, and from what I have read, that is very risky as you may end up with a PhD but no job. And as cool as it would be to get a job in that area I'm interested in, I don't think it would be worth it if I didn't have a social life.

As I said I do not know what job to pursue. I don't think I can succeed at any job with my current social ability (and social life). I thought of being a lawyer because I'm good at making arguments and stuff but I read about very low job satisfaction and I took some law classes and they weren't very interesting. I thought about being an academic, but as I said before it's too unrealistic. I'd love to be an entrepreneur but that may be even more unrealistic. I looked into some other careers, such as journalism, and they all said this is a highly stressful job, which made me think I would likely not succeed at it. However it is hard to do career research when sa makes it hard meet people IRL, instead of just reading books. I’m also really unconfident of my ability to decide on a career with such little life experience.

NO! DON'T DO IT! I did that very thing in high school and regetted it and will regret it forever. Not only did my grades fail I ended up doing terribly stupid things that I'm embarressed about to this day. The chain reaction for mistakes like this go on for miles. I am still suffering the consequences. Please, just stay in school, worry about your grades and take your time. The world won't end tomorrow if you don't fit in today. My suggestion would be to figure out your interest and work toward a degree in that area. Then you will be around people everyday that you have something in common with and those are the people that you can have real friendships with, as opposed to the passing aquaintences you meet while ruining your life. Sorry if I sound really dramatic but that is exactly what happened to me. The "friends" you would make while partying and slacking of in class aren't the kind of people who are going to be there for you when you need them. Find an academic who is interested in the same work you are. You could make a friend that will encourage you to succeed in life instead of one who will encourage you to but the next 30 pack.

Because it sounds like you did something very similar to what I'm considering your post has made me a lot more hesitant. However, I think there may be some differences. While I would certainly want to go partying and stuff if I could (I likely won't be going to a lot of parties anytime soon), I also want to meet people who will encourage me to be successful in life (which I’m also unlikely to be doing anytime soon). I don't see why there necessarily has to be a contradiction there. I want to have confidence in a whole variety of social situations. Most successful people are able to socialize normally at a party, and many have social lives much more active than mine.

I went to a high school that was academically selective. There were some people who studied endlessly and had little social life. There were some who were very social but slacked off, and there were some who got very good grades but were also socially successful. I was one of the people who had a bad social life and didn't get the best grades (they were below average for the school, but some people would consider them very good). I was surrounded by other smart people, but it didn't automatically get me any friends. I think the people who got bad grades but were socially successful probably have better career prospects at the moment than I do (they still got better grades than average).

I haven't made any friends at uni, from what I have read it’s very hard to make friends past first year. I am easily one of, if not the most awkward person in my classes, so I'm not sure if being interested in the same things would mean people would have any interest in being friends with me. I suspect most people wouldn't really want to be friends with me, given how much more socially confident they are compared to me. Of course that is an assumption I cannot prove as I haven't really tried to make any friends at uni.


This isn't just about 'fitting in'. I'm worried I'm going to end up in my late 20s, working in a stressful, boring job (if I have a job), having to deal with annoying bosses and people pushing me around and stuff, low social life, still never had a girlfriend or even kissed, low social skills and no realistic chance of ever getting out of a situation where I always have to struggle socially. I think that is where I'm heading now if I don't do something about this, and I don't see any other way of changing other than this. Even if I ended up with a crappy job, I think I'd be happy if I had a good social life. If I had a great social life then I think I might be happier than I can imagine. Of course I'd also want to have a great job as well. But as I said, it's a lot easier to focus on one thing at a time, and I can’t see myself with a good job without improving my social ability a lot anyway.

not necessarily.
i find myself in close situation, grades are down, i even need to extend for another year, though i do find the studies interesting.

nothing else, think of what will you be left with if you will leave now the studies, and it is up to you to see in which situation you benefit most. if you really not enjoy the studies itself, then think of alternatives you would like.
i'm not sure what exactly you intend to do on focusing the social skills improving but i think people are happier when they fulfill themselves also in other aspects, then you have the kind of feeling that 'i am someone' and it builds self confidence and kinda helps at social situations too.

I wasn't just going to focus on social skills, but improving myself socially as a person, which includes other things like hobbies, health ect. but at this point probably a lot less studying.


I don’t know that much about the alternatives I would be left with. I think any job where I didn’t have any significant anxiety would be bearable, and if I had a social life then that would be better than my current situation and where I seem to be heading. There is a part of me that thinks that if I manage to get good social skills then I can pretty much do whatever I set my mind to. I do have few, if any problems that aren’t in some way associated with low social ability. If I change all of that then there is nothing else stopping me being successful. Then again, due to certain influences I do have the tendency to be optimistic at times, possibly highly unrealistically so, so maybe that is skewing my decision. However, as I said before, I can’t see myself being happy without a good social life, so at some point it has to be appropriate to try and improve myself socially with reckless abandon. If that’s not now, when will it be?

 

[Josette]

I would say 'yes, do it' but I'm coming from the perspective of being almost 40 and having never gotten past my SA and having lived a much emptier life than I would've liked. I would sell my soul (literally) to be able to go back in time to my university years and force myself to get over the SA then.

That being said...I don't think you should drop out of school or even resign yourself to getting bad grades. I'm not sure what you envision when you say you're thinking of "dedicating everything to improving myself socially" but I don't think it will take your every waking moment. And if you spend every bit of free time forcing yourself to socialize, you'll burn out real fast (get depressed and overwhelmed). Even just 1-2 hours of social activity every other day would help a lot. I'm thinking along the lines of joining some student clubs, volunteering for charity work, chatting with your classmates, inviting them to study together or get a coffe/go to the movies, taking classes you know involve working in groups and/or giving presentations, going to parties and talking to ppl there, dating, etc. It seems like this stuff would dovetail nicely with your school life.

You might also try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (which I'm hearing good things about). When I was your age, I think forcing myself to socialize might've backfired if didn't also have someone helping me change my negative thinking.

 

[nothing else]

I would say 'yes, do it' but I'm coming from the perspective of being almost 40 and having never gotten past my SA and having lived a much emptier life than I would've liked. I would sell my soul (literally) to be able to go back in time to my university years and force myself to get over the SA then.

That being said...I don't think you should drop out of school or even resign yourself to getting bad grades. I'm not sure what you envision when you say you're thinking of "dedicating everything to improving myself socially" but I don't think it will take your every waking moment. And if you spend every bit of free time forcing yourself to socialize, you'll burn out real fast (get depressed and overwhelmed). Even just 1-2 hours of social activity every other day would help a lot. I'm thinking along the lines of joining some student clubs, volunteering for charity work, chatting with your classmates, inviting them to study together or get a coffe/go to the movies, taking classes you know involve working in groups and/or giving presentations, going to parties and talking to ppl there, dating, etc. It seems like this stuff would dovetail nicely with your school life.

You might also try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (which I'm hearing good things about). When I was your age, I think forcing myself to socialize might've backfired if didn't also have someone helping me change my negative thinking.

I should have explained earlier, I'm not talking about socializing the whole time. I want to do therapy (I've planned to for a while now but I gotten myself to do it), I want to start working out, I want to try and dress better (I used to never buy clothes) and I want to try and get involved in things.

Technically I ought to have time to do this and study well, but the fact is that I procrastinate a lot and waste a lot of time, and I don't have a lot of self discipline or time management skills. I stress out a lot and I often get too tired or lonely to focus on anything properly. One of the reasons I'm considering this is that I think it would be easier to stay focused if I concentrate on one goal.

It is possible that I could end up getting good grades with this attitude, but it seems very possible that I won't. This semester I got a job for the first time at uni, and I think I may have only managed to pass one out of four subjects. So if I'm doing a whole bunch of other things as well I don't know how I'm going to do well.

 

[Josette]

I should have explained earlier, I'm not talking about socializing the whole time. I want to do therapy (I've planned to for a while now but I gotten myself to do it), I want to start working out, I want to try and dress better (I used to never buy clothes) and I want to try and get involved in things.

Technically I ought to have time to do this and study well, but the fact is that I procrastinate a lot and waste a lot of time, and I don't have a lot of self discipline or time management skills. I stress out a lot and I often get too tired or lonely to focus on anything properly. One of the reasons I'm considering this is that I think it would be easier to stay focused if I concentrate on one goal.

It is possible that I could end up getting good grades with this attitude, but it seems very possible that I won't. This semester I got a job for the first time at uni, and I think I may have only managed to pass one out of four subjects. So if I'm doing a whole bunch of other things as well I don't know how I'm going to do well.

Just be careful about trying to do too much at once and getting overwhelmed and then just quitting. You mention focusing all your energy on one goal ("easier to stay focused if I concentrate on one goal"), but you've actually listed 4-5 of them (exercising, therapy, socializing, changing the way you dress, developing hobbies). I don't mean to be a downer, but trying to do everything at once like that is almost a sure-fire way to set yourself up for failure. Who knows, maybe you're the exception. I know that I've been in that same place a few times, decided I was going to fix myself and then tried to do it all at once and quit in like a week.

 

[doubleM]

you sound similar to me. ive been in college 2 years and im struggling. a degree in engineering is not an easy feat to accomplish. ive thought about quitting. i have made some small improvements and doing a little better lately. i dont think you should quit school just to build a social life. school itself is an opportunity to meet new people.
i believe that quitting is for losers. only losers give up. you have to set realistic goals for yourself and take it one step at a time. for example, i set a goal to go to my college gym by myself. it was hard but i accomplished that goal. my next goal is to start a convo with somebody at the gym and make some friends there. biting off more than you can chew will wreck things quick.
my biggest problem is no longer worrying about what people are thinking of me, but feeling its inevitable they will reject me. like no matter what i do or say i will face rejection 95% of the time. but that is not what matters.

 

[nothing else]

Just be careful about trying to do too much at once and getting overwhelmed and then just quitting. You mention focusing all your energy on one goal ("easier to stay focused if I concentrate on one goal"), but you've actually listed 4-5 of them (exercising, therapy, socializing, changing the way you dress, developing hobbies). I don't mean to be a downer, but trying to do everything at once like that is almost a sure-fire way to set yourself up for failure. Who knows, maybe you're the exception. I know that I've been in that same place a few times, decided I was going to fix myself and then tried to do it all at once and quit in like a week.

I know there's a lot of things I've listed there, but if they all come under one purpose I think it is like focusing on only one thing. I wouldn't try and do them all at once, they are just some of the ideas I intend to do. I wouldn't expect to see any results any time soon, but I would expect to make changes and build momentum. There is something about dedicating everything to one thing that makes me feel as though I would find it really easy to get motivated. But maybe that's just an illusion.

you sound similar to me. ive been in college 2 years and im struggling. a degree in engineering is not an easy feat to accomplish. ive thought about quitting. i have made some small improvements and doing a little better lately. i dont think you should quit school just to build a social life. school itself is an opportunity to meet new people.
i believe that quitting is for losers. only losers give up. you have to set realistic goals for yourself and take it one step at a time. for example, i set a goal to go to my college gym by myself. it was hard but i accomplished that goal. my next goal is to start a convo with somebody at the gym and make some friends there. biting off more than you can chew will wreck things quick.
my biggest problem is no longer worrying about what people are thinking of me, but feeling its inevitable they will reject me. like no matter what i do or say i will face rejection 95% of the time. but that is not what matters.

Well I probably wouldn't quit school, but I certainly wouldn't be worrying about my grades or anything.


I guess my real question is, am I likely to do any serious permanent damage to my life if I throw caution to the wind, and am I overestimating how hard it would be for me to change if I don't do this? When I say I can't see myself changing going on as I am, I'm assuming that-

-therapy and medication doesn't usually cause sudden, dramatic improvement
-even if I had no sa tomorrow it'd still take a lot of work to get a normal level of social skills
-if I got a social life, the rest of my life would still be just as hard
-its harder to change when your working full time and have less free time

If any of those are wrong then maybe it wouldn't be as hard as I think.

 

[Josette]

I hope I didn't come off as discouraging you. I meant to be encouraging but realistic, I guess? I think you should go for it. We're more likely to regret the things we didn't try than the things we did.

 

[nothing else]

No, you didn't discourage me. I know what you mean because I've tried to achieve too much at once a lot of times as well. Thanks for the advice.