I'm self destructive/ self hate

[Falkor]

Hello,

It's been a while since I posted a thread, but now I really have to vent.
Right at this moment, it's a rough time, I feel defeated by my own thoughts. I just brought up anxiety by just thinking I've had enough of living with painful memories. This is all what caused my self destructive issues.
Only by thinking, I can make myself awfully tired, I know I can be very positive as well, but moments like these, I cannot be positive, i'm tired of living this way, I've been through hell.

I've been bullied because of my differencies (I'm autistic, anxious, not the typical girl you see on the street, I panic very easily, I can't handle bad comments, I feel affected too fast, I'm too good for people, always helping someone, i'm never able to be juuuust a little selfish. (Just a ''little'', to help myself and be happy with the person who I am)

But noh, I don't like myself, I need approval, I don't like myself when I look into the mirror, and most of all, this all comes from bad comments in the past.
People told me I'm ugly, I'm weird, and today I heard people saying ''She is afraid to leave the house'' I feel like a hermit, and I start to think how such a misereable life I have, Oops, here I go again, this is the exact thought I'm fighting against, I ''think'' my life is painful. (my therapist told me I should say ''I think, instead of my life IS painful). I have been bullied, sexually abused and I've been isolated for a couple of years, and this makes me feel dissapointed in my own luck. I want to reach more and get the best out of life.
I blame myself, Oh it's just me, I'm the weak person, the victim.
that's my problem, I cannot get it out of my head.

In the past I used to really be self destructive and took an overdose,
but a half year, NOTHING happened ever again, and it won't, because I know life is beautiful and wonderful. I'm happy I find the will to not do that ever again, but still I feel the same pain I've had that time back then.

I just blame myself.

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

Well, you are a beacon of light in these forums, and it's sad there's such a darkness of shadow is covering you right now. I hope you talk to your therapist about these feelings/things more.

You AREN'T weak or your fault. Being a "victim" doesn't make you weak, or define your whole future. You've done more to fight your thoughts/SA/etc. than a lot of people, including me. It's a long-term process with high peaks and deep trenches to navigate through, there's never at this stage all high places.

I'm glad nothing will happen again re: overdose because you said it about life. See, there is a shining of positive hope in that? =)

You cant help people too much; but you definitely gotta help yourself too. It's not being selfish. =) Gotta help yourself first before you can really help anyone else.

I think your therapist is good, you've said before helped? Just takes time. Like the three C's Hottie posted, Catch the thought, Challenge the thought, Change the thought.

Anyways, I know you'll rebound and feel better soon enough.

 

[Falkor]

Thank you Lemur for the reply. I'm feeling more uplifting right now, I just told myself ''It'll change, just takes time, but it WILL change'' the thought helps
There sure is a shining positive light in my light since a half year, i dunno what it is, maybe i switched my mind from negative and hiding myself to more positive (still have down moments) and facing my fears. It's just a time of sinking in tears, but after it I feel like it had to come out

 

[DespairSoul]

Saskia,

Don't blame your self! Isn't your fault. Nothing what happened to u in the past. U are sunshine and people can be very bad. I know this by myself. They can hurt deeply. But u know what? If u will feed negative thoughts"again" and "again" u will also let win the past and people which aren't worth it even of memories win! Don't let them win. Beat them with your power which u hide deep inside, with your positivity i know u have it a lot of it u just let "negativity" upbeat "positivity" try do opposite anytime if those negative thought raise up. I know u can do it! U have so much potential don't throw him away. Spreed your wings silence bird as was your quote saying=)

 

[bigcat1967]

I'm thinking that you should try to replace those negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Take a notebook - write down what you think. Then write a positive statement to correct the bad thought. You just need to change your thinking around - that's where it all starts.

 

[Kiwong]

Saskia, I only know you from posts on this forum, but I hope you keep fighting, because I think you are a soul with so much to offer the world. More and more, I hope you will that peaceful place and spend wonderful days, it is possible.

Like you I carry the pain of all the things that have happened to me around like this horrible weight that threatens to drag me under. Lately it seems I have opened a window of hope and inspiration into my life, and I experienced days that have lifted to spirits to levels I have never known.

I've found if you listen to those positive voices from within you, or from others you trust, then in times of crisis they can all seem to make perfect sense. Somedays you will win, and you can keep adding those brilliant days to your collection like the rare jewels.

I'm sure there are many brilliant days in your future. Good luck.