I'm self destructing inside, even when things look good for me...

dannyboy65

Well-known member
I feel it more and more everyday. I can't cry for help here so I write on here hoping someone can understand me when no one else can. I have a life a lot of people would love and I seem like someone who is really happy. I've been battling for too many years with my own mind. It's starting to get worse year by year. I keep doing good things and positive things, but I still get worse. I'm going into a career where I help vulnerable people, yet I can't even help myself. I keep taking my medication hoping that it will help me, I keep trying to do the right thing and being easy going.

I don't like to acknowledge this because it's hard to accept, but I'm pushing everyone away more and more. I basically stopped hanging out with my friends, and I hardly ever see my girlfriend. I don't talk to anyone at school, instead I sit alone. Yet I find I like the loneliness, where as I used to hate being alone cause of the voices that yell and scream at me in my head. Now I just listen to them yell at me and tell me how useless I am, and oddly I am ok with them now.

I've lost my fears of dying, I also lost my fears of losing people. I don't even know what my motivations are anymore. I guess all I want now is answers. I'm tired of being confused with what's real and what's not. I want to know why my mind is like this. I don't know if you guys noticed during this whole writing my emotions change drastically. I don't ever feel the same emotion for five minutes. While I wrote this I started off depressed, then to a strange emotion I can't explain. Then basically to apathy, which I've been feeling a lot of lately.

I don't know why I still write. I guess I like talking to you guys on this site because I feel if anyone even has a chance to understanding maybe one person here does. Now I'm just rambling, sorry for wasting your guys time with my crazy ramblings.
 

Megaten

Well-known member
Hmm, I cant say I relate totally but I would like to add my input. Because I have dealt with some things lately even though logically you'd think I shouldnt be. For me personally a lot of my current unhappiness comes from unresolved issues from the past. Despite how things may be currently, Ive found its very easy for me to slip into my old way of looking at myself when the right situations trigger it. Just moving on to a different stage of life, without actually dealing with the problems of the past hasnt proved 100% effective.
 
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