I'm popular: you're not - the myth of social skills

[sabbath92003]

What the hell are social skills? I mean, if we all went to public school and survived, then didn't we learn "social skills"? Maybe some home-schooled people didn't have to learn to "interact", but if you are in college or work, then you must have passed the "social skills" exam.

I think it's just a scam. We all know how to socialize, we just aren't able to because of social anxiety disorder.

social skills:

1) don't hit people or spit on them

 

[dottie]

come on, social skills are much more complex than don't hit, don't spit. it's an art. everything down to timing, the right inflection in your voice, the slightest raise of an eyebrow. mastering that is a talent. look at famous comedians. george carlin, for example. he knew how to raise his voice, articulate things in just the perfect manner, with just the right timing that he was able to win the hearts of so many people. that is as much of a talent as painting or singing or athletics.

 

[sabbath92003]

George Carlin was skilled in: public speaking, stand-up comedy, playing the piano, linguistics, detecting bs, etc. but I don't think we can go off on a rant like he did and call that a social skill. Sure there's the gift of gab, but I think you either have it or don't.

My point is we really have all the skills we need, we just need to use them. It's like a drummer who never plays the drums. He's great when he's playing but otherwise you'd never guess he's a drummer.

Practice makes perfect (well in this case, practice makes socializing a little easier).

 

[Lea]

You can´t learn to dance if you´re chained or only have one leg.

 

[bleach]

You can´t learn to dance if you´re chained or only have one leg.

Asperger's Syndrome is a form of autism that disables people from the ability to read body language and other social cues naturally, yet even people with that disorder ca develop social skills with time.

What is holding you back from socializing? Do you really have a disability, or is it fear and an unwillingness to work hard and learn?

 

[Lea]

For Bleach: You see I can go among people and sometimes I even may feel I have too much of it. But being among people or going to a party is not the solution. I have courage to jump in the water, but am not able to swim. I always feel extremely uneasy, can´t look people in the eyes... also feel some kind of dissociation, as if I weren´t really there, as if I had no life inside. I can talk to people, but can´t react properly, and mostly I just speak and stare to the ground or blankly in the space. They comment what is the matter with me, why am I so sad, what happened. Once I told one friend that people say I look like I was on drugs, and she said: Yes you do. (She didn´t mean it in a bad way though, she was just sincere). I still don´t know WTF is the matter with me. I think I am ill in some way, this is not a matter of conscious effort.

And what about you Bleach, what is your problem?

 

[Felgen]

I have poor social skills because of Asperger's syndrome. People on the autistic spectrum aren't born with the same social skills as everyone else. I later developed anxiety as a result of my poor social skills—not vice versa.

I did finish a course on social skills a while ago, and it actually helped me a bit. If it does help a guy with Aspergers and social anxiety, I'm sure it does help neurotypicals with social anxiety as well.

 

[bleach]

I still don´t know WTF is the matter with me. I think I am ill in some way, this is not a matter of conscious effort.

Hmm, have you ever been to a psychologist? Someone who could diagnose you? If you have a disorder, it is very likely that people have studied it and developed a therapy for it. It does not sound like social phobia is the root of your problem. I understand how it must be frustrating to not know.

And what about you Bleach, what is your problem?

I'm a coward that cares too much about what other people think.

 

[Lea]

For Bleach: I think I do have pretty much social phobia and I´ve had it since child. What I have now.. I don´t know if it´s right.. may be something like result of trying to overcome it so hard but I did it wrongly, I was denying the fear, but at the same time I was denying myself, my feelings, everything... I don´t know. I am more experienced, more mature now, actually my mind is more balanced than before but at the same time as if I lost some life essence...
I feel rather like machine.

 

[Havocan]

Everyone's able to socialise to a certain extent, but some are more skilled at it and possess greater knowledge on how to do it than others. People with SA and APD tend to see it as somehow dangerous and non-giving and they feel they don't get much out of it. Though I know how to make friends and behave appropriately in front of others that doesn't mean I do it since I find it very difficult and kind of pointless^^.

 

[cosmosis]

I have poor social skills because of Asperger's syndrome. People on the autistic spectrum aren't born with the same social skills as everyone else. I later developed anxiety as a result of my poor social skills—not vice versa.

My little theory with Asperger's syndrome (many people with SA are probably somewhere in the spectrum) is that people with it just don't understand communication that isn't verbal. I think I read somewhere 90% of all communcation is body langauge, tone and subconscious interaction. People with AS are so overwhelmed with stimuli that they don't pick up or understand the 'background noise' that is the heart of communication. I used to have so much trouble understanding what 'small talk' is because I would listen to the verbal part and see it as completely fake and all bullshit. But it took me years to realize that small talk is all about how you say it and nothing about what you actually say..and that's why it sounds so fake. Since then I have trained myself to pick up things beyond the actual words and I can communicate much better. Social skills is not something someone can teach you though, the best someone can do is point out what to focus on for yourself to learn.

 

[bleach]

cosmosis: good advice.

For Bleach: I think I do have pretty much social phobia and I´ve had it since child. What I have now.. I don´t know if it´s right.. may be something like result of trying to overcome it so hard but I did it wrongly, I was denying the fear, but at the same time I was denying myself, my feelings, everything... I don´t know. I am more experienced, more mature now, actually my mind is more balanced than before but at the same time as if I lost some life essence...
I feel rather like machine.

Are you depressed? Some people that live with extreme depression reach a point where they feel emotionally numb. Perhaps you have shut down some of your painful emotions so you don't have to deal with them, and that is why you feel incomplete now.

I don't know. Just speculating..