I'm out of control and I don't know what to do. (Suicidal)

[MessyDreamer]

I'm 29 and I've been struggling with depression for about 10 years now. I had a form of social phobia before that and nearly cut my wrists when I was 15, as a consequence of bullying at school.
I have very strong anxiety attacks, where my whole body goes numb inside out, one of my cheekbones can get numb for DAYS, and eye twitches (sometimes it's just one of my eyes, sometimes it's both) are constant. I feel anxiety flowing through my body all the time. I do feel my heart beat loud. I rarely cry, but put me in a room without TV or devices (where I can watch videos) and I'll drown in tears. I might never stop.

I went to therapy for years, but haven't been to a single session for a while due to money issues. I do a lot of volunteer work (which is getting harder to do now because I'm going through a crisis), but I don't get paid. I don't have a job. I also exercise. I do pilates and walk. I've never taken medicine and am completely against it. I know it's a "tool" to avoid suicide, but it can also trigger it, so I'm not touching that, especially when I'm suicidal. I'm against medicine and so is my family (my family more than me). They would never allow me, and we live in the same house. I don't have money; my sister is the one who pays the bills. So... it's a no-no. I do drink tea though. It helps me sleep, not that I ever get much sleep. I have severe insomnia.

I'm so stressed out that I can't stop bitching about how my dad ate my bread. That's so futile. That's the thing, I usually take it out on food. Most of the times I cry, it's about food. Except it isn't food, but I only seem to be able to vent via food. I keep it all in. Even when I'm venting and telling people about how I feel, I never really open up. I say one thing, they'll reply another, and I'll close the case. But I'm still hurting. I still feel like I'm dying and this never-ending thunderstorm inside me won't ever end.

I have a complicated relationship with food. I eat my feelings a lot, but at the same time, I have anorexia symptoms on and off. My food issues had been under control for a while now, but now that I'm going this anxiety explosion like never before (that's exactly what it feels like... like it'll burst inside of me, if that makes sense... I just want to scream all the time), I've been eating a lot. All day long. Eat, eat, eat. More than ever. And I can't stoooop. Even if I'm in pain or crazy dizzy because I had too much to eat. I'm never satisfied. I'm never full. I'm hungry for something I can't name and I'm gonna get so fat.

I have deep flesh wounds all over my hands and wrists. It started out as allergies caused by the weather, but I kept scratching and scratching it... Whenever it starts getting better, I scratch it hard... I don't want it to get better, I need to release. I see it in living flesh and I keep scratching it. I literally SHAKE from the need of scratching my wrists, and it doesn't stop until there's blood. If I didn't have allergies, I probably would've cut my wrists with a razor blade by now.
I'm out of control. I don't know what to do.

And recent news that one of my favorite actors might be a rapist have made it 10 times worse. His TV Show was like a little castle I liked to hide in. It was my escape... my safe haven. My safest place to hide, definitely. And that castle came crashing down.

And it's brought back all these feelings from something that happened when I was 14, when a guy I liked kept touching my breast on the school bus (yep, in front of everyone), even though I'd tell him to stop. And the next day I heard a conversation he had we a friend of his about it... asking what my breasts felt like... (...) I have so many conflicting emotions about that moment and it completely wrecked me.

Because of that experience, the death of someone I used to know who was raped and quartered, and an episode where a man I thought was a friend of mine pretty much tried to force a kiss on me and was a complete drunk *******, I can't think of the word sex without my stomach turning... basically. What happened when I was 14 had already been enough for me to cut sex out of my life forever though.

I'm sorry if my grammar sucks or it's all very confusing, I'm just writing it all down as it comes to me, otherwise I'll never let it out.

I need to feel safe, loved, and accept. I need to feel SAFE. But everything is tarnished. There's evil in every little thing. I can't find a place where no evil can enter. Even my inner world is a place of evil, isn't it? Look at what I do with myself, eating like a pig and self-harming. I don't have anyone to talk to. Please show me the light. :~

 

[vj288]

Breathe. You've probably heard that before, but really, literally and figuratively, it's the best place to start. For me, it slows everything down and helps me try to put things back into perspective.

As someone who has self-harmed, among other things, I want to say I don't think it makes you an evil or bad person. One thing that I've heard said before is that it's a control thing, that there are things we can't control or change or fix, so we do something within our control that feels like it fits. I never had a good answer for why I hurt myself, but I know there were things at the time that disgusted myself about who I was and felt I couldn't change, so maybe that was part of it for me.

I wish I could be more helpful, I struggle with many of the things you do myself and am still searching for a sustainable light. I hope you find yours soon.

 

[zharl]

Just made my way over from the "Can't find my post," erm...post. Saying that out loud sounds weird. Post post. But I digress, I'm really sorry that things are going so terribly for you. I really am. While I personally believe in a hybrid approach to depression that uses both medicinal treatments and counseling, I respect your feelings about medication; we all need to approach this in our own way (Not only that, but medications aren't necessarily cheap).

I'm not sure if you're asking for advice or if you simply are looking for a way to express these feelings, but I would like to direct you to this thread if you are having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of self-harm.

I haven't checked up on all the resources recently, but I believe that I included links to online counseling/suicide hotlines. Furthermore, if I remember correctly there are resources there that are available free of charge. That being said, it has been roughly a year since I've gone through these links, so it may not be perfect.

I hope things improve for you! Also, if you're ever around when I am, feel free to reach out! If I'm available, I'm happy to listen and always ready to make new friends!

 

[cappatown420]

Would you ever be willing to try meds? TBH, I did try committing suicide with the pills they gave me( not just once either), so, maybe you are right about staying away from them. Personally, if I don't have them, I feel like I hate my family. I get really angry(at everything, and for no reason), and want nothing to do with them. Depressed, pissed, leave me alone. So sometimes I feel like I take them for others when I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Hope you feel better.

 

[RegalSin]

I'm 29 and I've been struggling with depression for about 10 years now.

Whatever it is get over yourself and move forward.

I had a form of social phobia before that and nearly cut my wrists when I was 15,

That was the past. I had issues like that now I have spots where I picked the skin. Stop doing that habit and get into another habit.

as a consequence of bullying at school.

We all have indifference and $#1321213 people you have to deal with. They will always be %@#$Q! $#@!@!#. Why not research what these morons have achieve and you will be amazed. The truth is people who are brave and overcome when they are young are able to be peaceful passive citizens. However the victim can also become the victimizer/assailant. Do not ever turn into a victimizer and rise about the rest. But respect people and do not be a $#@$#@4.

I have very strong anxiety attacks, where my whole body goes numb inside out, one of my cheekbones can get numb for DAYS,

Like me you probably need to go outside one or two days and mingle with the people just to feel normal. There are money people and there are the same bullies now evolved into something else who mingle with money people. Then there are people trying to be normal.

but put me in a room without TV or devices (where I can watch videos) and I'll drown in tears. I might never stop.

Say whatever it is on your mind and accept the loss of privacy and do not be embarrassed. Is it something that you want or need?

I went to therapy for years, but haven't been to a single session for a while due to money issues.

All of that money could have been used to associate with the opposite sex.

volunteer work (which is getting harder to do now because I'm going through a crisis), but I don't get paid.

Take care of that god forsaken problem and fight it. Get money in your hands. Lie and pretend to get that job and if you get fired you get fired. Just take care of the cash flow problem legally.

I also exercise. I do palates and walk. I've never taken medicine and am completely against it.

Good for you. Now keep it up.

I know it's a "tool" to avoid suicide, but it can also trigger it, so I'm not touching that, especially when I'm suicidal.

When I think bs like that.....I know there are tons of other activities I can do. I mean what else could I possible do.... I know go outside and enjoy this planet. Oh look a big field and a crazy person dancing around the field.

I'm against medicine and so is my family. They would never allow me, and we live in the same house.

Then forget medication.

I don't have money; my sister is the one who pays the bills. So... it's a no-no. I do drink tea though. It helps me sleep, not that I ever get much sleep. I have severe insomnia.

Then force yourself to sleep and whatever you need to do that is positive then go and do it for your own happiness to get over whatever it is.

I'm so stressed out

Stress is a no no word

I have a complicated relationship with food.

LOL like that character Fat ******* from "Austin Powers 3" "I eat because I am lonely, and I am lonely because I am fat"

I will admit I have that issue I sit on my behind trying to get work done when I want to be outside mingling.

I eat my feelings a lot,

Then stop it. You know what I do. I practice my speech and go to comedy clubs and make a skit out the whole thing. I don't care if they don't laugh and I do not care if they throw me out. It is just something I can do on stage and let my thoughts run wild. However I try to keep the content rated G from grannies and grandpas.

ls like... like it'll burst inside of me, if that makes sense... I just want to scream all the time), I've been eating a lot.

Whatever it is you need to get it off your chest.

And recent news that one of my favorite actors might be a rapist have made it 10 times worse.

It is a term that is loosely used in law. Do not let the media brainwash you and I am sure this is about money and confusing people. I just ignore television. As I say in my opinion only minorities and messed up people buy into this stuff. Just let it go.

I have so many conflicting emotions about that moment and it completely wrecked me.

Grow up and get over it. Let it go already. Stop overeating and work on your body and stop making it into a big deal. You need to move forward in life. You know how many things I am embarrassed about. Time passes by and your not going to be young anymore.

You know how many people knew my business in Junior High and Highschool. The Dean cried at out graduation. You know why? Because she was like our mother. She knew all the things we were going through. We were like her kids in her house. Just move forward and enjoy life.

I know a girl who is having sex at her work, in her home, under the bar, and she hides it. She enjoys it but she is embarrassed about it as well.

Because of that experience,

the death of someone I used to know who was raped and quartered,

Your starting to scare me now. Quartered???? as in pulled by all fours by a horse as a form of execution. Or your just making an example of being pulled apart.....what kind
of writing is this? Sex is a good thing and you need to let it go. Rape was not a thing until the early 1990's when they started to market the word in television shows. These show was mostly late prime-time or during 12AM television. It is called marketing so you have to keep moving on and not let ideas like that ruin the rest of life for you.

and an episode where a man I thought was a friend of mine pretty much tried to force a kiss on me and was a complete drunk

That is normal. Him being your friend is normal. Boys and men do this all the time. I understand you have issues but your taking things to an extreme. STAY AWAY FROM TELEVISION, FEMINISTS, WOMANISTS, AND anything that promotes negative ideas.
Trust me no matter what dudes will be that way. That is how life is.

You need good vibes. YOU NEED GOOD VIBES. PLEASE LET THE %$@#@ go and move forward and be positive no matter what situation. Do not promote the non-heterosexual bs that prevents a woman from being elected president or that separates a family.

enough for me to cut sex out of my life forever though.

You either lying or need somebody to tell you to just enjoy it and not make it a challenge. I know a girl ( if I had not mention ) who throws herself on men 24/7 and spends her time modeling. She has been doing it from when she was not even that many years old. She is on cruises, and in movies, and posters, and blah. She might be poor but she is happy and doing things legally.

You need to understand these are not big things. All men are like that way. They stop being that way once they are married or once they had enough. Women are women. Women are not meant to do work alongside men. However we have to live with that.
I know women who are welders, athletes, and officers. They want men and they need men. They are not butch but people do not have the guts to put there hands on them.

I'm sorry if my grammar sucks or it's all very confusing, I'm just writing it all down as it comes to me, otherwise I'll never let it out.

Your grammar is very nice.

I need to feel safe, loved, and accept. I need to feel SAFE. But everything is tarnished. There's evil in every little thing.

Ever heard the saying "Worship me, love me, and I will be your slave". That man who is pro-bono will not love you. Because he has some other ideas in mind. Sometimes you need to "Build a man" by associating with a man who still has the ability to make income but also needs guidance and support from a woman. If you keep aiming high your going to end up with the guys who been doing it since they hit ****rty and still doing with gals who are barely going through ****rty.

It is the man who is going to do the the rough work at some point but he only does it for a woman who supports him for his twisted manacle wants. No man, especially a man who have been through hell wants anything to do with a woman who will make life harder on him. I am not talking about pregnancy or prison. I am talking about that nice guy who final reached an apex and is testing the waters.

Just let go of the negatives and focus on the positive. Stay away from food and television and anything that George Orwell represent. Stay on the greener side of things and not the negatives.

eating like a pig and self-harming.

That is ten times worst then having some guy inside you by whatever means. I admit that too. Start working out and being positive and being playful and alive with people. It does not have to be sex it could be dance, or some other activity.

You still have to work and gain income and whatever it is has to be legal.