I'm on my way to be freed :) *My Story and Progress*

#1
Hi guys :D

I wanted to post a thread about my story of my problems with SA and the progress of getting out of SA because I really want people to get out of this, too. It's horrible to live with it each day and the loneliness was killing me. It made me feel weak and worthless every day. I did many attempts of getting out of it: changing clothing style, overcoming shyness and be more open to strangers, focusing on my communication/conversation skills and much more.

Nothing seems to help, and I still am very hypersensitive to people's reaction when I say or do something. People still think I'm weird. I started to lose my personality until I did and still do not know who the heck I am, what I want! It's horrible! To live without.. an own identity.

One day, however, I felt something I never wanted to feel again. Emptiness. I rather would injure myself physically. Or even mentally or something. At least there's a feeling. But emptiness.. my confidence, self-esteem, my idendity was like VANISHED on that one day. I just sat there on my bed, looking out of the window, and frustration slowly becomes appearent to me. I started to cry.

I think after that day, that I never wanted to re-experience again, I went with the Screw-you-all attitude to school (I'm 17 :eek:) and started to be more optimistic. I said to myself: It's only high school. One more year and ur outta here! And I'm gonna find myself.. JUst keep looking, keep searching. I think Optimism and hope is the key of my healing process. But remember not to have high expectations because at the end you'll get disappointed and don't want to go on. I try not to take rejections to close to my heart. I found my solace in music because it influence me so much (i'm a very emotional person :D). What I also started to do, is to become a better sister, daughter and friend. I don't have a lot of friends but I wanted to show them how I care and appreciate them. U'll see how ur friends will make u feel so much more comfortable in ur own skin. I spend more time with them etc. I generally also just focused on myself and did sport like running and stuff.

Please believe me when I say, that those stuffs did not come easily to me. Its really took me MONTHS to become better with myself. I gave up a lot, slipped in depressions many times. It took me a long time NOT to care about people anmore (which was the HARDEST part because I do a lot and still do sometimes) but after those times I get up again and keep doing good stuffs to my family, friends and myself and I suddenly feel better. It influenced how I interact with people too. People started to like my weirdness, my different nature. I still have troubles with some though.

Soo.. All I want to say is

Please don't give up. Keep it going. Keep trying to get out of SA. You gotta find a way to distract yourself, to make you feel better. I get still super nervous with PEOPLE. But if you don't CARE about them, it'll go away. If you just don't care, be optimistic, have dreams(!), then everything will be fine! Everything will be fine at the end! That's what I strongly strongly believe, because if I would not believe in this, getting out of SA would seem to be impossible and I would not even try to get out of it. What then? A life full of so many tiring fights against the "people"? Unhappiness and Depression?
No Thanks!

I'd be immensely happy if these words will come through some minds. >< I really needed to write about it because it feels like a closure or something. I wanted to write this because this are the words I needed to hear when I was desperate and frustrated and depressed. I gained confidence and self-esteem. I'm trying to find myself. I start to get out of SA. I feel it. I hope you feel it too.

Have a nice day y'all!

the still confused, but optimistic
Blumentopf :D
 
#2
I'm happy for you that you were able to overcome your problems :) Takes a strong person to re-adjust yourself like that..especially in high school when people are extremely judgemental.
I can really relate to alot of things your saying Blum. I feel like i have lost my personality, and its just like I'm an empty soul livin in this gorgeous body :p As me for me, I usually try to think positive and look at the brighter side of life but it is getting really hard. It's just so much easier to wallow in your own pain, and pity yourself.
Anyways, thanks for the advice...and props to you :)
 
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#3
Thank u for ur reply :)
I'm still struggling sometimes. Getting those panick attacks, having the urge to hide or run away :) Sometimes it gets so hard that I finish the conversation with the other stranger right away with some akward comments and excuses, or I dont come to scool because I can not bare the daily fight against social anxiety. But those people don't care about you, so why should I? I beg u guys to not give up. Enjoy yourself, make something out of your days. Focus on yourself first, if you know that you are not ready for other people.

I wish you good luck with ur fight against SA, Notoriously Alone. :)
 
#5
great post.. once my therapist told me that one day u'll just say: I don't care about any one else.. screw them.. and another conclusion I came to: U must except urself for who u r.. and this is very difficult, cuz I don't know who i am.. but my therapist says that we all do... it's just u not excepting urself or something... dunno. have to ask him...it's so hard .. I find myself untalented.. do u? :) if u want to chat my msn is [email protected].. I'd be very glad:D

P.S i'M ALSO 17
 
#6
Haha yea sure I will add u in msn :D
I think you're totally right. You gotta accept yourself for who you are. And if you do, you of course know who you are and you'll be more confident about yourself and that might lead you to be more social etc. But because we don't fit in and because people don't like us, it's so hard to accept ourselves.
Your therapist might be right too because one day I think everyone will be so SICK of SA that he or she will have this Screw-you-guys attitude and jus doesnt care anymore what people think. :)

I found myself not only untalented but a total FAILURE lol. Now because I start to get "healed", I view myself as average in things like school, looks, intelligence, sport etc.. I'm not talented, but I sure have a good heart and because I show it to my family and friends, they showing it back and I feel more worthy and I feel being kind and good is as important as being talented. :) I'm sure you have something good too. ;D
 
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