Im in a trigger pulling phase

[rabbitcage]

Im in a trigger pulling phase. I don’t want to live anymore. Every day I live I feel closer to death. I’ve had agoraphobia for a little over three years and its been severe for two years. I can count on one hand how many times I left my house in past two years and then so I have only walked no more then six blocks from my house. I don’t see anything getting better. It only gets worse.

Im only nineteen and ever since I was sixteen everyone started forgetting about me so I was use to being alone. But a few months ago I hooked up with this girl that I use to know In the eight grade. It seemed that things were looking up in my life until about three weeks ago. She left me for no good reason. Ever since then I have been really depressed. I have tried and tried to get her back but she said that she cant deal with my agoraphobia anymore. She also said that she has someone else and she likes to go out and have fun with them. That statement did it for me. I told her thanks for killing me.

Before at least I had my dad (who I live with) but a few months ago he got a girlfriend and she moved in. So now I don’t hardly talk to him. In the past three months I have not left my room but other then to use the bathroom and get something to eat. My mom ditched me when I was thirteen. She doesn’t even call me I have to be the one that calls her. All my friends that I had stop talking to me because of my problem. I have no one and everything that I had in life was robbed from me. Its hard knowing that every time I find a little bit of happiness its going to be gone in a short amount of time. I also know that im never going to have anyone. Everyone that knows me looks at me less then human. My family is like strangers to me. I also know that no one wants to be in a relationship where their mate cant even leave the house.

When I start thinking about all the pain I feel inside I want to get a shot gun and blow my head off. I sure I would of already, which comes to my next curse I have no gun. Its sad but I fear living more then death. I feel like I can only hold on for a little more time and if life don’t get any better then I dont know what im going to do.

"Why do I have to leave my house just for people to love me?"

-david- (rabbitcage)

 

[Generical]

Hey the fact that you got a girlfriend in the first place is a damn good thing, some people on here (inc me) can't get that far, besides you don't always have to go out of the house to meet people. I'm thinking you need to get your dad involved again i'm sure he'll come and help, i think everyone is going to be depressed after a breakup, you just have to not let it make you do anything drastic. Things will improve again they just may take time..........your gonna find someone else but you may need to find some success on overcoming your phobia first. There are many methods that can help you overcome it, get some help. No doubt you've been struggling against it for years, you just have to face it, there's no point in giving up now.

 

[shon]

I'm not agoraphobic but have terrible SP....always have. I'm sorry the people in your life have disappointed you. I can only imagine how depressed you must be from being stuck in the house. You have to remember that it's the depression talking and you can overcome this. You can live a much happier life if you try really hard and get help. You deserve that whether you feel it or not.

 

[sidney]

Maybe your calling in life is to help people over the comp (like this) cus sometimes people need someone to talk to that they dont actaully know. Maybe u could take happiness from helping people who need it and be good at that, in return maybe someone will beable to help you. Im sure if you call your doctors somebody will come out and help you to overcome this fear, there must be some help for people with the same problem, it has been done before
good luck

 

[miss_amy]

I really feel for you. You remind me of me several years ago. I'm still having problems but nothing as severe.

Firstly I want to say forget that girl. I don't want to sound harsh but its unfair for you to lay the blame of how you feel on her. You can't put your feelings of wanting to die on her. You need to let her go without fear or burden and you work on you. Do you really want to be with someone who is only with you because they fear you may do something terrible???? being alone and working a way forward is better than being with someone who is with you for the wrong reasons. It also makes you a better person and the choice of who YOU want to be with get wider. Let people be around you out of their free will, rather than grab hold of them tightly. It scares people off!

I have found the internet is a very good way of meeting new people. I have quite a few friends that I've met up with too that started as internet friends. MSN or somethig similar is great! I joined a forum with people who enjoy the same hobby as me and we've met up on occasions to do that hobby. Its scary but great.

I met my husband on an internet chat room and we have been married for 8 years now and are very happy.

Please find a glimmer of hope and talk to people who care and understand and let those go who don't.

Take care.

 

[Infected_Malignity]

BOOM

 

[GAVB]

i am with u i totally understand 100%, if i had a gun i would blow ma head off to and probly a few more peoples heads off b4 i blow mine, my life is almost the same as yours. accept i was born with meningites in the brain and i am posotive thats something to do with the way i am today, my house is my life i never leave it, i totally feel your pain

 

[lenb]

Join the club. At 15, everyone in my life either turned away from me or turned against me. Then I developed Agoraphobia and haven't left the house for 8 years, suicide is in my thoughts literally every minute and has been since the 90s!! I don't know how I've come this far and put suicide off for so long. But I'm very, very sick

 

[blonderedhead]

I totally got everything you were saying. I've been agoraphobic for about three years and the people I live with are like strangers. I constantly feel isolated even around people. Its frustrating. and death seems a bit consoling at times. But the fact that you or anyone on here is talking about having these sort of thoughts shows how desperately you actually want to live and that you still have hope somewhere inside. So take that and hold on to it for dear life. You should try to get professional help. There are so many resources available its just that no one talks about agoraphobia or social phobia in general alot so its hard to find out about them but therapy is always a good step. And the fact that you came on here and your discussing it is actually A HUMONGOUS one. and I say this alot but know that you arent alone. That can actually be worlds of help. So if youre ever having a really dark day and you're crying and feel lonely and you want to die know that someone well actually alot of people are out there in the universe feeling the same way. and theres no such thing as a hopeless cause. Please update us on how you're doing david. My thoughts and hopes are always with all of you.