MessyDreamer
Member
I have the hardest time talking about my feelings and am usually not even aware of how I feel because I brush it aside and hold it all in, butI nneed to get this out and don't have anyone to talk to. No one.
I mean, everyone who claimed to love me (friendship or more) left me at some point because they couldn't handle my depression, not that I ever had that many friends or relationships. I have a history of bullying and social Siberia - as well as unrequited love - , which is part of the reason why I developed depression in the first place.
My parents and my sister are all I have, and I can talk to tthem about anything /but/ mental illness. They just don't get it. They get super mad.
I have depression, OCD, anxiety and panic attacks (I wake up in the middle of the night with my whole body numb, startingwwith my lips, for example). I've never taken medicine. I did therapy for a year, stopped, tried three different therapists, stopped and did it for two years (stopped last December) because my therapist changed addresses, I couldn't afford a therapist, etc.
I'm 27 and I've never worked before. I only did an internship at college. For years, depression got in the way of me getting a job. This year I started taking a professional course in an attempt to get started on my career and finally make a life for myself (my sister pays my bills), and everything was going smoothly until I had a major crisis.
My insomnia got worse... I've had insomnia every single day for like, nearly 8 years now, but it's gotten worse. I sleep from midnight to 5am, or eleven to six. Since it's a translation course and you have to rely on memory a lot - as well as being put on the spot every single class, which gives me major anxiety everyday - I've been failing to do some of the exercises and tests. I could see the teachers losing their patience... Until I was called in to talk to one of the big bosses (I can't for the life of me remember the name of her position... That happens to me all the time :/)... They wouldn't say why, but I had a feeling... And I was right.
She said more than one teacher had commented on my behavior. That I had been distracted.I told her about my depression. She asked me more than once if I had ever gotten help from anyone, which had me crying because no... Everyone left. Anyway, she was sweet and supportive and I nearly fell on my face because the fact that she's gorgeous had me nervous but that's besides the point...
But I still felt like crap. She said she would help me find free alternatives and would make some calls. She wants to meet me to talk again next week. I like to pretend that I'm over my depression, but I realized today that it's worse than I thought, and I felt so alone. Why does she want to help me anyway? It can't be because she cares. I don't believe anyone does. Most people I come across don't seem to like me much. People in my class bully me at 27.
I felt like... I'm a mess, you know? I'm a problem. And I wish with everything in me I could just be norma. I don't see myself getting better. I face emotional and physical pain 24/7 (back, legs, feet, neck, hands, shoulders, stomach..)... I hurt in my whole body and I can't take it anymore. I feel numb typing this.
The worst part was something she said around the end of the meeting. That the women in charge of the cleaning said I make a mess with the papers in the bathroom... Inside the stall. Because of my OCD. I can't tell you how ashamed and desperate I felt. That's like my worst OCD habit and the one thing I've tried to hide from people all these years and people are onto me ... I was called on it. I try so hard not to do it but I can't, I can't, I can't. I left and cried in the bathroom stall for the longest time. I wanted to die.
I mean, everyone who claimed to love me (friendship or more) left me at some point because they couldn't handle my depression, not that I ever had that many friends or relationships. I have a history of bullying and social Siberia - as well as unrequited love - , which is part of the reason why I developed depression in the first place.
My parents and my sister are all I have, and I can talk to tthem about anything /but/ mental illness. They just don't get it. They get super mad.
I have depression, OCD, anxiety and panic attacks (I wake up in the middle of the night with my whole body numb, startingwwith my lips, for example). I've never taken medicine. I did therapy for a year, stopped, tried three different therapists, stopped and did it for two years (stopped last December) because my therapist changed addresses, I couldn't afford a therapist, etc.
I'm 27 and I've never worked before. I only did an internship at college. For years, depression got in the way of me getting a job. This year I started taking a professional course in an attempt to get started on my career and finally make a life for myself (my sister pays my bills), and everything was going smoothly until I had a major crisis.
My insomnia got worse... I've had insomnia every single day for like, nearly 8 years now, but it's gotten worse. I sleep from midnight to 5am, or eleven to six. Since it's a translation course and you have to rely on memory a lot - as well as being put on the spot every single class, which gives me major anxiety everyday - I've been failing to do some of the exercises and tests. I could see the teachers losing their patience... Until I was called in to talk to one of the big bosses (I can't for the life of me remember the name of her position... That happens to me all the time :/)... They wouldn't say why, but I had a feeling... And I was right.
She said more than one teacher had commented on my behavior. That I had been distracted.I told her about my depression. She asked me more than once if I had ever gotten help from anyone, which had me crying because no... Everyone left. Anyway, she was sweet and supportive and I nearly fell on my face because the fact that she's gorgeous had me nervous but that's besides the point...
But I still felt like crap. She said she would help me find free alternatives and would make some calls. She wants to meet me to talk again next week. I like to pretend that I'm over my depression, but I realized today that it's worse than I thought, and I felt so alone. Why does she want to help me anyway? It can't be because she cares. I don't believe anyone does. Most people I come across don't seem to like me much. People in my class bully me at 27.
I felt like... I'm a mess, you know? I'm a problem. And I wish with everything in me I could just be norma. I don't see myself getting better. I face emotional and physical pain 24/7 (back, legs, feet, neck, hands, shoulders, stomach..)... I hurt in my whole body and I can't take it anymore. I feel numb typing this.
The worst part was something she said around the end of the meeting. That the women in charge of the cleaning said I make a mess with the papers in the bathroom... Inside the stall. Because of my OCD. I can't tell you how ashamed and desperate I felt. That's like my worst OCD habit and the one thing I've tried to hide from people all these years and people are onto me ... I was called on it. I try so hard not to do it but I can't, I can't, I can't. I left and cried in the bathroom stall for the longest time. I wanted to die.
