I want to understand

[Understood]

I've listed this in another part of the forum, but I'm not exactly sure where the best responses will come from so I apologize if this is incorrect.

I’m not particularly shy myself outside of large groups, but this guy I’m interested in is extraordinarily timid. My confusion stems from the fact that after admitting interest in one another things still aren’t going anywhere. I try to make emotional and physical strides to be closer to him and he seems…well I’m not sure what he seems. Perhaps hesitant is the right word. He’ll accept anything that I do, though not necessarily with eagerness, but only once has he initiated anything himself.

I’ve read up on this forum about love-shyness, social anxiety, and other social disorders and phobias, but those all seem dependent on the fear of rejection. I don’t understand how he could fear rejection when I’ve removed that possibility.

Help.

He’s beyond amazing and his shyness doesn’t bother me in a social sense. If there is fear, how can I alleviate it? Or is it possible that he admitted interest to avoid telling me no? I’ve also considered the possibility he’s gay and severely closeted. I’ve been shy all my life, but never in such an extreme. I want to understand what’s going on in his head so I can be what he needs to open up.

 

[tooshytosay]

The thing with us with SA is that we've known, and received rejection all our lives, so we expect it from everyone else too. It's like a defence mechanism - we think that if we expect rejection, then we won't be hurt so much when we are rejected. (Of course this defence backfires more than it works)

What's going on in his mind would be something like:

"Is this possible? Could someone actually be interested in me? For real?"

"Am I worthy of being this person's interest? What's so good about me? She's such a perfect, healthy, normal person, but here I am, a guy with SA and many flaws... what could she see in someone like me?"

"I don't know what to do. I want to show her that I am absolutely thrilled but I just can't express this. I feel I might make a fool of myself and she will leave me. I feel I'll say the wrong things, ask for the wrong things, do the wrong things - things I'll probably regret. I think I'll just follow her suit."

Well of course these are examples, and this is assuming he has SA. (or all those other related things, they're all just labels really) And even with people with SA there will be some differences - but you get the general idea.

Here are some suggestions:

• You say he's "beyond amazing" - tell him why you think that way - in a sincere manner, not coming off as just "flattering" him. This will help a lot with his self-esteem, and make him more confident.
• Show him your flaws - in his mind, he probably has you raised on a pedestal. Tell him your weaknesses, laugh about it - he needs to realise you're human, just like him.
• Make him really confident in saying / asking for what he wants. Let him know that whatever he says / wants to do - that you won't mind at all. Try to positively affirm, and support, anything he has to say.

I think it's great you're trying to relate to this shy person - it shows a lot about who you are as a person, that you really do care.

 

[Understood]

Tooshytosay, all I can say is thank you thank you thank you, this is exactly what I needed to hear.

I don't think he's been diagnosed with anything, but given people sometimes think he's autistic or something of the ilk it's not at all unlikely.

• You mentioned having me up on a pedastal, and I just realized he has been more interested in my physical and psychological problems than most others. There's a whole bunch of flaws too so I'll have no trouble with that lol.
  
• When complimenting I worry about coming off as creepy, but he's said he likes me and we've been friends for a while now so I figure I'll just have to get over that...
  
• How does one go about making someone comfortable asking for what they want?

Thanks for saying so. I just want, more than anything, for him to know what it's like to care for, and be cared for by, another person. I will walk on the moon for him if I have to. Understanding what's going on in his head will really help me be all I can for him.

 

[tooshytosay]

How does one go about making someone comfortable asking for what they want?

Yep, this is a tough question. I guess it really depends. He just needs to get comfortable being with you... exactly how you go about doing this - unfortunately that I cannot say. But I'm sure where there is a Will, there is a Way .

He just needs to feel... "protected" when he's with you - so that he can slowly creep out of his shell. He needs to feel that you aren't there to criticise him, or reject him, but that you are there because you really care about him.

Also maybe, once you feel it's the right time, you can try explicitly asking him what he wants.

 

[jbeenthere]

if he does have SA and doesn't know it he will also be terribly afraid to admit it to you for fear of you thinking that he is crazy. the irrationality of SA makes it feel to the sufferer that he/she is completely nuts and that no one else could possibly understand their extreme irrationality. I would try and find a book on SA that you might be able to give him and see if that is in fact what is going on. if it is, and you can help him see that it's treatable and much more common than he understands, then you will be a true angel in his life. and, if it were me, I would drop to one knee and ask for your hand in marriage on the spot. good luck.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

i could type you out a few paragraphs on what i think may be going on.. but i think sometimes, the best thing to do is just ask him yourself. if you've already talked about being interested in each other, then the hard part is out of the way... just tell him you get kinda confused by him sometimes and you'd like to know what he's thinking. there's nothing wrong at all with talking to each other about how you feel, just tell him you'd like to know what he's thinking sometimes...

 

[Understood]

He's not exactly forthcoming with emotional conversations, if I start going that direction he sometimes just flat out won't answer. But I do see what you're getting at...

Perhaps I just need more time with him, let things move a little slower than even I was expecting. Try harder to get him to express what it is he wants from me, for us. I guess what I was trying to gain from this is reassurance I'm headed the right direction, that I'm not going to be spinning my wheels in the mud forever.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your insight - I shall not let it go to waste. Every little bit helps me understand him better so if anybody has more advice, keep it comin'.