I want to share what I'm going through

[Luthien]

Hey everyone. I only started having social phobia and anxiety a little over a year ago and it's been super intense. I am really extreme and don't leave my house unless it's to see a doctor or something like that. Since this started, my boyfriend and my sister (who live with me and are incredibly supportive) have met sooo many people who've gone through this. They say it seems like everyone they talk to has been through it in some way or is close to someone who has.

This idea sort of blew my mind... Why doesn't anyone talk about this stuff?? It seems so prevalent in our society yet you don't hear a word about it until you are looking. So what I decided to do (before I even thought about trying to find a forum or a group like this) was to start a blog about what's going on with me so that maybe other people will read it and not feel so alone.

I'm also an artist and I feel like art helps me figure stuff out. Sometimes words just don't make enough sense... so I try to have a lot of pictures and metaphors to explain what's going on. I also write about my art, when I am making it (which is rarely these days, motivation is a big problem for me right now)

Anyway, I was just hoping maybe some of you would check out my blog and tell me what you think. I have some people that look at it, but I don't get a lot of feedback or discussion about the intense SAD stuff... So please check it out: Over Under

 

[Luthien]

PLEASE give me feedback, I could really use some! Good or bad, I just want to know what you think.

 

[TheLostCause]

Hi and welcome. I think many people don't like talking about things because it makes them feel exposed and weak. Your blog looks like a real good one. I like the picture of you busking, i bet you can sing. There are some interesting and very artistic photos.

 

[Luthien]

Thank you so much!! It is so hard to post all this personal stuff on the web, but it's my way of trying to do things that scare me. It's a bit too much to try to go out into town or anything like that, but I thought this seemed like a good first step.

 

[Nack]

Trust me, you're not alone. You still have a lot of things to learn... Although we are alone as individuals. You'll learn that everyone is suffering from something... In the end we all experience mutual emotions. Meh, sorry I'm becoming Confucious-y again... All I'm saying is that the things you feel, the things you think, you see... I've heard it before :T

 

[Luthien]

You are both very right, I know I still have a lot to learn, we all do. And I believe that everyone is suffering from something, but I don't believe we're alone as individuals. We're all interconnected. I also believe, Seraphina that more people suffer from this stuff who don't know it. When I read the thread about why people are suffering, I know that these reasons are as common as water. I think the reason that some of us break down and some don't is that some people are more sensitive, I know I am.

As for the stigma of mental illness... don't get me started! It makes me so angry, even the phrase "mental illness" it's like they think we have a disease that can be spread or eradicated with medication. It's so much more than that. No matter what they act like, no one really knows how our brains work, they're only guessing. So I'll make my own decisions when it comes to my mind and what's going on with it.

 

[Kat]

I find the older I get the less appropriate it seems to talk about this. Most people pass it off as a adolescent problem and because the condition itself restricts us from valuing what we think or feel awareness is sparse.

 

[Luthien]

That's so terrible, Kat. Why do people close off to their feelings and the feelings of others? Sometimes I feel like compassion is going the way of the dodo... By the way, did you like my blog?

 

[Kat]

That's so terrible, Kat. Why do people close off to their feelings and the feelings of others? Sometimes I feel like compassion is going the way of the dodo... By the way, did you like my blog?

Yeah, the idea behind it’s different but good because, ultimately it teaches you to love and take care of yourself, it’s something they really need to start teaching at school when we are at that age, because it’s something you will need for the rest of your life and considering how many problems it can cause us and how brutal the world is we need to know to cope, and we are all we got at times.

Thanks, for sharing your experience.

 

[jbeenthere]

Luthien,

Please please please get a new therapist. the one you are working with is doing potential damage by having you waste your time on inner child stuff when you are suffering from a serious condition. no medically trained therapist would consider this to be appropriate therapy and you yourself are conflicted by its validity and appropriateness. AND YOU ARE RIGHT TO QUESTION IT!!!! I have spent many years undoing damage from a therapist who believed that all my issues were because of past unrecognized trauma being suppressed by my muscular tension and that i had to heal my inner child. IT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP!!! and is recognized as such by the majority of therapists. this idea of talking to your inner child was started in the 60's and 70's at places like the Esalen Institute in California. they were not based on any medical science or clinical evaluation and while some benefit just from the therapeutic experience, those who need real medical help for a phobia or depression can be severely harmed because of the imbalance in the power relationship and the fact that the therapy actually makes you feel more embarrassed that you already do. therapy is meant to decrease self-consciousness and the fear of embarrassment rather than create more of it. it's kind of like the saying "Love is not supposed to hurt" . my motto is "therapy is not supposed to shame". do not accept the notion that you are "Split". this is complete nonsense. you are suffering from chronic stress due to the constant challenge of having to avoid social interactions due to a phobia. the result is that you eventually strt to detach from your emotions to avoid the pain. this can cause one to feel empty and hollow and create the perception that you no longer exist. but you do exist - you just are in a state of dis-ease and your psyche is struggling to cope. so I hope you make it your number one priority to get better and more appropriate help.

your art and photos are beautiful and you are blessed to have a sister and a BF who love and support you. you can get through this with the proper help. a good book is here

http://www.amazon.com/What-You-Must...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1272210919&sr=8-1

good luck. we are all pulling for you as you are VERY talented.

 

[TheLostCause]

That's so terrible, Kat. Why do people close off to their feelings and the feelings of others? Sometimes I feel like compassion is going the way of the dodo... By the way, did you like my blog?

There's probably the area factor. I'd imagine that people who live in an area where everyone knows everyone might not want to open up in case Mrs A tells Mrs B, and before you know it everybody knows your business. I'm also of an opinion that it would be easier to trust someone who is t-total. Everyones situation is different in that nobody's surrounded by the same people.

 

[Luthien]

Luthien,

Please please please get a new therapist. the one you are working with is doing potential damage by having you waste your time on inner child stuff when you are suffering from a serious condition. no medically trained therapist would consider this to be appropriate therapy and you yourself are conflicted by its validity and appropriateness. AND YOU ARE RIGHT TO QUESTION IT!!!! I have spent many years undoing damage from a therapist who believed that all my issues were because of past unrecognized trauma being suppressed by my muscular tension and that i had to heal my inner child. IT'S A BUNCH OF CRAP!!! and is recognized as such by the majority of therapists. this idea of talking to your inner child was started in the 60's and 70's at places like the Esalen Institute in California. they were not based on any medical science or clinical evaluation and while some benefit just from the therapeutic experience, those who need real medical help for a phobia or depression can be severely harmed because of the imbalance in the power relationship and the fact that the therapy actually makes you feel more embarrassed that you already do. therapy is meant to decrease self-consciousness and the fear of embarrassment rather than create more of it. it's kind of like the saying "Love is not supposed to hurt" . my motto is "therapy is not supposed to shame". do not accept the notion that you are "Split". this is complete nonsense. you are suffering from chronic stress due to the constant challenge of having to avoid social interactions due to a phobia. the result is that you eventually strt to detach from your emotions to avoid the pain. this can cause one to feel empty and hollow and create the perception that you no longer exist. but you do exist - you just are in a state of dis-ease and your psyche is struggling to cope. so I hope you make it your number one priority to get better and more appropriate help.

your art and photos are beautiful and you are blessed to have a sister and a BF who love and support you. you can get through this with the proper help. a good book is here

Amazon.com: What You Must Think of Me: A Firsthand Account of One Teenager's Experience with Social Anxiety Disorder (Adolescent Mental Health Initiative) (9780195313031): Emily Ford, Michael Liebowitz, Linda Wasmer Andrews: Books

good luck. we are all pulling for you as you are VERY talented.

Thanks for your advise, but I respectfully disagree. I have been doing the inner child stuff and it is really helping me. Every day I write to her and ask her what she wants to do and she tells me, to draw or to dance or something and then I do it while thinking about her and it's so wonderful! My inner child isn't split from me, she's my creativity and my happiness and my love. I was a bit traumatized as a child by having my father and my sister step out on me emotionally and I blamed myself and felt lonely. What I'm doing with this inner child stuff is to try to be my own best friend. It's really nice because even though I can't love myself, it's easy to love this young sweet fun version of me, and someday I will stop separating the two and just love me. But for now, I'm sort of being my own parent, and it may not have worked for you but it is totally working for me.

And one more thing, I am not disconnecting from my emotions at all! Is that happening to you? I don't think that's possible for me! I am such an emotional person and since this stuff started I've gotten like ten times more emotional! I cry at every little thing, my emotions are out of control. But when I feel really emotional, I check in with my inner child and ask her what's going on, and she tells me and we work it out. Like the other day, my boyfriend was all stressed and freaked out (this happens every couple months) and he was totally freaking me out. I was telling him (again) that he needs to take care of himself, go do Aikido, see a counselor, get acupuncture, get more exercise! All things he wants to do, but for some reason he puts it off. Talking to him like this was totally freaking me out and I started having a mini panic attack. I went into my room and I asked my inner child if she was okay and she screamed NO!! She said that she doesn't want me to take care of him, she wants me to take care of her! Which struck me as so profound and true, I need to take care of myself. I told my boyfriend this and he totally understood and I didn't have a full attack.

I know when I talk about this stuff it sounds crazy, my sister is amazed that my "inner child" really talks to me. Maybe I'm just hyper connected with what's going on inside and I just needed to put a form to it, but it is really helpful. And I don't feel any shame or embarrassment about it, it's a little embarrassing to post my journal on the web, but mostly because it's hard to share what's really going on in my head. I feel empowered by doing this work, I feel like I really am giving love to that little me that needed it so badly all those years ago.

I'm sorry this didn't help you, but it is really helping me. Different strokes for different folks, eh?

 

[Luthien]

I just wanted to add one more thing about this inner child stuff. I've gone through most of my life stifling what really makes me me and when I am "hanging out" with my inner child, I feel like I'm letting the me out of the box and it feels amazing.

 

[jbeenthere]

Luthien,
I understand how you feel about your therapy. it took me a long time to really realize that it wasn't helping me at all and actually making me worse. I guess my question would be - is it helping your SA or is it just helping to be "working" on something? Do you think your SA is directly related to your sister and father not being available to you emotionally? You say "it sounds crazy" but you just must be very connected to what's going on inside of you and that you are very emotional. it does sound crazy and I'm not sure you fully understand that this is being done at the direction of your therapist and did not come from you. keep that i mind if you start to feel it is not getting you where YOU want to go but only where your therapist wants you to go. I am not questioning her good intentions only her methods. I hope you will consider my advice over time and I know that you are just doing what you need to in order to get relief from a very painful condition.

 

[jbeenthere]

I'm really sorry if I come across as giving a lecture but i hate to see anyone waste time and suffer more than necessary.

 

[Luthien]

don't be sorry, I like that you're looking out for me and sharing your experiences! I just don't feel like I'm having the same experience as you.

Believe me, my therapist can't get me to do ANYTHING I don't want to do. I'm very stubborn and I'll just tell her "no way" or ignore her if I don't like it. I am extremely self-analytical and I can always sort of give myself my own therapy. I used to hate therapists, I always feel like they don't really know half as much as they think they do and they don't understand me. This woman I see is really sweet, knows not to push me and totally gets me. She basically lets me direct everything and does what I came to therapy for, which was to get an outside view of myself and some guidance on where to go next. My biggest problem for years has been that I can see where all my problems stem from, I just didn't know what the hell to do with that information.

This is definitely not something my therapist is doing to me. She was trying to get me to talk to a stuffed bear for months and months and I wouldn't do it because THAT seemed totally absurd. But what I'm doing now really clicks with my brain, does that make sense?

As for where my SA comes from, I know it's from what happened with my sister and my father. Before that, I was happy and crazy and fun and I loved everything and everyone and didn't worry so much. The result of my sister and my father turning their backs on me was that I started having all these super negative thoughts about myself, thinking I was wrong somehow. That was only amplified when I went to school, I didn't have a good base, a place in me that I knew was awesome. I thought I needed to mold myself in order to fit in with the world, when I actually needed to be strong enough to be myself no matter what. What I'm doing now is finding that strength.

I don't want to just "get better". I don't strive to be able to go grocery shopping or work a job or live in society. What I want (and need) is to be that girl that you see at a concert who's dancing like a crazy person and not noticing anyone around her. That girl who half the people are jealous of and the other half are totally ridiculing. I NEED to be that girl, because I am her, somewhere in there. I want to be the girl who skips down the street dancing and singing loudly when she's all alone. That is the REAL me and I need to embrace it so that I can not give a sh*t what anyone thinks and love my life again.

Oh, and just so you know, none of this is me regurgitating what my therapist says. This is all me. I've been studying myself like a damn scientific experiment my whole life, I have a lot of insight of what I'm all about and (if I do say so) I give really good advise. I've actually considered becoming a therapist. The problem (and the reason I need a therapist) is that it's really REALLY hard for me to take my own advice.

 

[jbeenthere]

I've been studying myself like a damn scientific experiment my whole life, I have a lot of insight of what I'm all about and (if I do say so) I give really good advise. I've actually considered becoming a therapist. The problem (and the reason I need a therapist) is that it's really REALLY hard for me to take my own advice.

that's me to a T also. it's so easy sometimes to give advice but so hard for me to do what I really need. it's very frustrating at times.

were you really unhappy with yourself before you went to therapy? and did you ever try Cognitive behavioral therapy? for me that inner child stuff became an escape from my SA and then became a disability as all I could do was access child-like feelings. I had the same "need" to be totally spontaneous before I asked for help and the therapy fed into that. but i found that my "need" was not a solution to SA. it was simply a fantasy. and the therapy simply incited my need to escape the pain rather than take it head on. and I had other fantasies about being so good at something that other people would overlook all my avoidant neurotic tendencies so i could be kind of insulated from the criticisms I thought they had of me and my inner child was supposed to help with that also. but what i needed was to understand that my thoughts about myself were driven by and fed into the phobia. the reality was that I was just like most other people and not the freak I saw in my mind and if I stopped worrying the anxiety would eventually subside. I guess it all comes down to what you do to quiet the fear of what other people are thinking about you or that you will somehow embarrass yourself. if listening to your inner child works with that and you get results then it's all good. i just would have preferred to have had a competent CBT therapist to work with. thanks for letting me vent and I hope you start getting out and being social soon.

 

[Luthien]

I think perhaps I'm not very true to that inner child model... I don't feel like the emotions I'm accessing are very child-like, though some of them are. I have no desire to be so good at what I do that other people wont say mean things, I just want to stop caring what they say or think. I'm so sick of caring what other people are thinking, it's so stupid to spend all my time worrying over something I could never really know about... you know?

It's interesting, I don't feel like I'm a big freak. I mean, I feel like I'm really REALLY different but I don't feel like I'm neurotic. I know that I can pass as normal if I want to, it's just that my whole life it's been almost painful to be normal. For example, if I try to dress normal, like in jeans and a tee-shirt, I feel SO uncomfortable and wrong. If I try to have a normal job I feel awful and depressed. But if I dress like I want to and live like I want to (which is really odd to most people) then I'm fairly happy, even though part of me is afraid of what people are thinking.

I hope I can get out and be more social eventually, too. But for now, I'm working on being social with my sister and my boyfriend (who I live with and would really rather be away from most of the time) I think I'm just the type of person who needs a lot of space from the world, I didn't get ANY for most of my life, so I'm sort of catching up on lost time

Hey, I'd really like to hear more about the CBT, what it's like and what you're taking away from it. If you feel like sharing your experiences, I'd love to read about it. Let me know!

Thanks again for talking about all this stuff with me. I think this was the healthiest disagreement I've had with another person in a really long time. I really appreciate your views and I'll definitely remember what you've said as I go through my therapy, to make sure that I'm always moving forward and never back