I think what I have isn't even OCD no more.

[ughih8ocd]

I have a feeling what I have is like something else that has evolved from OCD to something else.

Well first off, I'm 18 years old, and I've been struggling with OCD since as far back as I could remember.

It's gotten so bad recently it's not even funny, I'm stuck doing rituals till im so ****ing tired.

But I just wanna know if this is even ocd anymore, alright read my story please.


Well recently (like 3 years recently), I've had some real bad thoughts of people dying and just brutal **** that a normal 18 year old shouldnt think of, besides people dying
I've thought of people that are close to me that I love very much have very bad things done to them I'm too scared to even write it out because I think it might happen, and in order for me to prevent this **** from happening I have to do things repedeatly until the thought goes away or I catch on to a new thought.
Like for instance if I'm washing my hands and I happen to think of lets say my brother getting stabbed or whatever I have to wash my hands until I get that thought out of my head and I usually end up washing my hands a few times over.

Ugh I just hate OCD so much, I need to get rid of it badly it's ruinind my life, no joke.

Oh, and when I'm on the computer typing and if I happen to think of something negative I have to erase the word(s) until I get a happy thought and can actually finish my paper or my convo with a friend.

It's gotten so bad.

and even sometimes I think I posses these powers to where If I don't follow through with a ritual or if the thought simply won't go away I dwell on it and think it's gonna happen forreal, when I know it's not, but that's when the anxiety kicks in and I'm usually not in the mood to deal with it so I just think of some bull**** thought and move on with my day.

I'm sorry for my foul language and the my huge ass rant.
I just need help, please.

 

[ughih8ocd]

nobody ?

 

[fudgy]

Well recently (like 3 years recently), I've had some real bad thoughts of people dying and just brutal **** that a normal 18 year old shouldnt think of, besides people dying
I've thought of people that are close to me that I love very much have very bad things done to them I'm too scared to even write it out because I think it might happen, and in order for me to prevent this **** from happening I have to do things repedeatly until the thought goes away or I catch on to a new thought.
Like for instance if I'm washing my hands and I happen to think of lets say my brother getting stabbed or whatever I have to wash my hands until I get that thought out of my head and I usually end up washing my hands a few times over.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I am giving you a cyber hug just on the strength of that paragraph.

Thats how mine started ...thats exactly how mine started ..omg ... I am near tears , because I KNOW ...I REALLY KNOW WHAT HELL YOUR LIVING WITH.


Sometimes I never slept and my girl was only a baby then and I was on my own and so so tired and mentally exhausted.

I have quite literally dropped to my knees sobbing like a baby for it to just stop.

So you listen to me now me ......it is ocd..its dreadful awful ocd ...

It wont stop until you fight it.

you know that once you have completed one set of "keep everyone alive" rituals the fkin ocd will give you a whole new regime to follow.

my kitchen window faced a public path , I had to wash up without having a bad thought if anyone passed !!!

it was impossible ..I was washing the fkin pots all day , I had no skin on my hands and part shares in washing up liquid.

NO ONE WILL DIE OR HAVE AN ACCIDENT ...WE ARE NOT THAT POWERFUL MY FRIEND OK.... WE CANNOT SAVE THE WORLD , OUR LOVED ONES WILL BE FINE.

Please hear me , there is a way out.

I cant tell you what to do and expect you just to do it ..alone ..with your terrible fears, you need help .

You HAVE to just NOT carry out the rituals , your poor head will go wild for a few moments , at first it might last hours , but bit by bit , when you stop acting out the rituals to appease the threats your thinking , it will pass ..no one will get hurt ...and eventually ..like me... you learn to push them out and they then have no power.

your ok ..your not mad ... your not in control of anyones life , your just suffering terribly my friend.

 

[fudgy]

oh and the writing thing ...


I couldnt read a book/paper/magazine in the end .....


honest ......your not alone.

 

[ughih8ocd]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I am giving you a cyber hug just on the strength of that paragraph.

Thats how mine started ...thats exactly how mine started ..omg ... I am near tears , because I KNOW ...I REALLY KNOW WHAT HELL YOUR LIVING WITH.


Sometimes I never slept and my girl was only a baby then and I was on my own and so so tired and mentally exhausted.

I have quite literally dropped to my knees sobbing like a baby for it to just stop.

So you listen to me now me ......it is ocd..its dreadful awful ocd ...

It wont stop until you fight it.

you know that once you have completed one set of "keep everyone alive" rituals the fkin ocd will give you a whole new regime to follow.

my kitchen window faced a public path , I had to wash up without having a bad thought if anyone passed !!!

it was impossible ..I was washing the fkin pots all day , I had no skin on my hands and part shares in washing up liquid.

NO ONE WILL DIE OR HAVE AN ACCIDENT ...WE ARE NOT THAT POWERFUL MY FRIEND OK.... WE CANNOT SAVE THE WORLD , OUR LOVED ONES WILL BE FINE.

Please hear me , there is a way out.

I cant tell you what to do and expect you just to do it ..alone ..with your terrible fears, you need help .

You HAVE to just NOT carry out the rituals , your poor head will go wild for a few moments , at first it might last hours , but bit by bit , when you stop acting out the rituals to appease the threats your thinking , it will pass ..no one will get hurt ...and eventually ..like me... you learn to push them out and they then have no power.

your ok ..your not mad ... your not in control of anyones life , your just suffering terribly my friend.

oh and the writing thing ...


I couldnt read a book/paper/magazine in the end .....


honest ......your not alone.

Thank you so much for replying, you've made me feel a lot better.

But my thoughts are disgusting, it's so far out beyond this world it's unbelievable that I even think of this stuff, and on top of it I have to complete these rituals like washing my hands, erasing words and re-writing them, if i tie my shoe and i happen to think of a bad thought i have to re-tie it, it's so nuts. I can't deal with this anymore.

It's gotten even worse these past several months, since I found an amazing girl, she's now my girlfriend and I love her more than anything.
and Yes you guessed it, I'm having far outrageous disgusting thoughts about bad things happening to her, and I know they won't happen, but it feels like they really will happen if I don't do these rituals.

I've tried to stop doing rituals and honestly it's becoming easier to not do them and just say to myself, I'm human I don't have magical powers.
But then again sometimes it really feels like I can change things or I can make things happen, I don't know it's freaking crazy.


and I recently, I've started to think of people that have passed away that I knew, like these 2 girls that used to go to the same middle school I went to, One passed away when I was in the 6th grade(RIP) and the other one passed away when I was in 8 grade(RIP) and they keep coming back into my head I can't get the thoughts of them out, Everytime I do something I think of them and then I freeze and have to think of a new thought or complete a ritual and everything will be ok for like 5 mins.
I don't know what to do, I don't want to seek professional help, because I believe I can get rid of this by myself, I don't want to be hooked on meds, oh and speaking of drugs.

I smoke some weed here and there, and the OCD is EVEN FAR WORSE when I'm high, It's just wow, words can't describe my thoughts, just wow.

I don't know what to say anymore.




btw, I really feel for you, We need to get rid of this asap.

 

[fudgy]

Your thoughts are not as rare or as disgusting as you think ( truly , I woudnt share half of the ones I used to have in a million years)

I also had to re do everything untill I could complete it all without a bad thought.

Your feelings now you have a girlfriend....well its full on because you lover her and the ocd will prey on that because your in love, you have fears surrounding losing that person , so its a sitting the duck for the ocd to attack ... your weak point.

( been there as well )


I am not trying to make yours sound not so bad , but honest my love there aint anything you are telling me here that I haven 't lived through , fought and won ...and probably hundreds who read this without replying.

your getting this much out so well done for that.

its is vile ocd , and regardless of your rituals life will unfold around you just how it intended to do. You cannot be responsible and you won't change anything.

I am as cured as I ever will be ..I had intense cognitive therapy ,and was lucky enough to find a therapist who is worth her weight in gold.

We are never cured ...but ...we learn not to pay heed to those demands , I have moments..I feel the fear but refuse to do the ritual , I laugh and say out loud " ahh your not getting me again"


there is light at the end of the tunnel , because I am walking breathing proof , and I never took one tablet to the ocd and asscoiated problems.

its hard to fight on your own , please get some cognitive therapy , or at least try one small thing at a time.....let the anxiety ride its course , and refuse to give in , no matter how vile you think your punishment will be.

I really feel for you .

 

[ughih8ocd]

I really appreciate you replying back and forth to me, you've really opened my eyes to realize that I am not the only one with this problem.

I know for a fact what I have going on is not as bad as what others have, but for me it's my first time that I've ever had thoughts like this that I remember and it just made me feel like I was insane or mentally ill, you know?

I really do look up to you now as a mentor and a person I can go to for advice, as long as that's fine with you.

Thanks a lot Fudgy, You've really helped me cope and realize it's not that bad and I don't have "magical powers."

I don't really perform these rituals to the extreme like I used to, but I just need to get it in my head that these are thoughts that are not true and never will be, and that I think will be the ultimate cure to my whatever you wanna call it.

Seriously, thanks a lot for giving me this advice and insight.

Hope all is well.
See you around the board :]

 

[lyricalliaisons]

It definitely sounds like OCD to me, just a very, very bad case of it.

 

[fudgy]

bless your heart , and yes you can talk to me anytime you like ,on my board or private.


well done for opening up on here , they are all such good people.

I cried when I read about the "magic powers" ....that's what I used to call it too ... its dreadful isnt it.

(((((((((((((((it will get better)))))))))))))))))

 

[ughih8ocd]

Thanks to all the repsonses, but now I think my ocd has really came around to my mind where it f@cks me up even worse, Now I'm starting to think that I am ugly and all these insecurities, and If I don't do certain things to a point where it feels safe or that thought has gone away It stays in my mind all day and that's all I think about.

I know It sounds conceited but I just don't want these thoughts anymore, Just make them go away, it disgusts me that I can think like this, I get thoughts like that I'm an ugly guy like lets say when I'm changing the channel and then If the thought of me being ugly or I think of an ugly person then I can't stay on that channel I have to flip through all the channels until the thought goes away.
I'm so sick of this seriously.

Any help ?