Warning, long post ahead:
In first place, I'm not sure if this post goes in this sub forum, but I guess it does, being ultimately about a social situation that produces me anxiety.
For the ones who are familiar with my posts, you may have noticed an annoying tendency to complain about my loneliness, although I think I never have explained properly which my problem is.
I am very aware that having Social Anxiety (diagnosed or not) is not a requirement to be on this forum, yet sometimes I can't help to feel out of place here when I am able for example of speaking very well in public, being in the middle of a crowd, or even having worked as a salesman. That may make you wonder why I think I have something related to Social Anxiety. Well, I am a shy and introverted person, but as long as being like that doesn't interfere with my life and doesn't prevent me to do things that I want to, it is not a problem at all. Things are a problem when they prevent you from doing things that you want to, and that's why I know I have a problem. So what it is what I want to do and I can't?
I am absolutely sure, that I don't like being completely alone. Yes, I do have close acquaintances at college and very close friends from this forum, but that's not what I mean. Actually, through this friendships, I think I have got a glance to what a relationship could be, because is not only knowing that you have someone there who cares about you and listens to you and tries to help you within what's possible, and the happiness of being able to retrieve that to the other person. I can't of course know if it is like that, but I imagine that in a relationship, besides having that, probably with an even bigger level of commitment, is the knowledge that for that person you represent something that nobody else does. I am more than aware that relationships are not fairy tales, and that as every human activity, have their problems, but I like to think that the good things are much more than the not so good ones ad they are more than worth the effort.
It may be said that at the end of the day we just are looking for a selfish validation (may be induced by culture or the mass media or whatever) and that we shouldn't left our happiness and sense of self-worth depending in another person, but I think this is a thing were the debate about out motivations is irrelevant. I do know that I really would like to have a special person in my life, and that such thing would make me really happy, do I really need to justify myself to someone for wanting this? In many other aspects of my life I have a sense of self-worth, but the self-esteem is not an unitary thing to me, because I know I can be a successful professional and besides my career, that I really like, I also have hobbies for enjoyment and personal growth, but what do I get having that if I know I'll be having that alone and I have no one to share my life with? I am not expecting for someone to like me to feel like a valuable human being, although may be to feel like a complete human being. I know that one single thing won't bring you happiness, to me happiness is something in constant building, where you use very different things to build it and sustain it, but what when you are missing which is a very important part of it?
I think I should have made this clear in my thread about uncertainty. I could just reduce it to a question: what do you do when you really want something but you don't have the slightest clue of when are you going to get it (if getting it at all) because doing it doesn't depend entirely on you?
Ok I think I have made somewhat clear what I want and why do I want it, now I will try to tell what I think is between me and what I want.
Having told you that I don't have the most common fears people with Social Anxiety does, some of you may wonder (and by now at least suspect) which is my problem. This is, is extremely hard for me to socialize with women, especially, to express interest in them. When I was 5 years old , I had at preschool my one and online offline female friend, we were best friends and used to spend the most of the time at school together (is kinda sad that I can't remember her name). A couple other kids, specially this particular girl, used to tease us about it, with stuff like “are you a couple? Are you gonna get married?” but as far as I remember, back then I didn't mind. The next year, when I was at first grade, two months after the beginning of the school year, the teachers decided that as I already was able to read, write and make the basic math operations, I should be promoted to second grade. I did liked school, but it seemed pretty convenient to save myself from a year at school so I accepted, that resulting in losing contact with my friend (also a year later I was transferred from the afternoon classes to the morning ones). From then until fifth grade I, although shy, didn't had anything to make me think there was something wrong with me. I didn't made any female friends (and haven't so far until now), but I didn't had any particular worry to do it; but in that year a couple things happened that now I see as the first manifestations of my problem: one day the teacher had the brilliant idea of teaching the course how to dance the waltz, and I had what others may have considered as the luck of having assigned as dancing partner the girl who I considered to be the prettiest of the class. I had there what I think it has actually been the only panic attack I’ve ever had (actually everyone was very understanding and I was able to calm down and do the thing). The other thing happened once as I was getting ready to go home, a random girl approached and told me that my friend from preschool told her to ask me if I want to get back together with her, there my mind instantly shouted “wait, what? Back together? We were even ‘together’ at all back then?” all what I could think about was other people again teasing us, so the only think I could answer her was “no. No… nooooooooooo, no way, no” and left there as fast as I could. So it turned out that contrary to what I thought, all that teasing back then did have an effect on me.
In school and high-school it wasn’t really a problem, because although I started to seriously like girls when I was in 8th grade (I was 12 by then), until I graduate I didn’t had any particular interest in even being friends with the girls I knew there. It was once I entered university when I realized I had a serious problem. In the first week of classes, when many of the teachers don’t bother to show up, after realizing that we weren’t to have this class, we were hanging out outside the building, and I saw a chance to talk with this girl who I had noticed since we were doing the paperwork to register at the university. May be for being in that freshman environment were most people is open to knew each other, I started talking to her, but soon afterwards she told me that she didn’t had the same timetable than me, and my mind instantly said “oh crap I don’t have a “valid” excuse to talk to her then” so I said a couple things ending up the conversation. That stupid idea of not having a “valid” excuse to socialize with a woman it has been the pattern since then. When I feel like I have that excuse, I can talk without problems, for example with a cashier or a secretary, or when I worked as a salesman.
I did know I had a problem, but I hadn’t thought about it deeply until last year and I have been analyzing it since then. First I concluded that the reason I need to feel I have a “valid” excuse to start an informal conversation with a woman, is because first, I can’t get out my head the irrational idea that she will instantly assume that I’m flirting with her, and being the case that I do am interested in that particular person, I don’t want her to realize that unless I’m absolutely sure that she likes me back. But then I wondered why I am so reluctant to express my interest in a woman, and I was puzzled by this until I got a realization a couple days ago: I mean yes, there is the self-esteem being at rock bottom, but I also think (probably related to the self-esteem thing), that I can't get out my mind the idea that any attempt to socialize with a woman will be interpreted by her as flirting, and that such flirting (regardless if I'm trying to actually flirt or not), will be interpreted as if I'm a pig only interested in having sex with her and completely uninterested in her feelings.
I don't know why I have this irrational idea in my head, and most important, how to take it out of there. How you get out of your mind an idea that you're absolutely sure it makes no sense but still it prevents you from acting?
But also, even if I’m able to shake that thinking out of my head, I still see big obstacles. A couple days ago I posted that I realized that what I want, what I'm in position to get and what others are willing to offer are three things than won't coincide at all as long as I don't live on my own, but I didn’t explained much further.
I think what I want has already been established here, and I consider that even with all my problems and defects, there could be someone out there willing to offering me that, but only in principle. The problem I see is what I'm in position to get. A couple days ago I was asked if I was expecting to find someone with whom I would share exactly all my interests, and no, I’m not expecting that at all, but of course I expect to find (that assuming that I solve my problem of being unable to look for) someone with whom I have some things in common, and let me tell you, offline and online, such thing seems very unlikely to me. But let’s assume I’m delivered a cargo ship full of luck and I find that person, not to mention she would also need to be unbelievable understanding and patient to put up with all the quirks generated by my insecurities and ongoing loneliness. I'll still be on a tight spot. And that’s because as I have explained in other posts, I have virtually no privacy, which would exclude something as important as intimacy from the relationship, at least for the most of the next two years I’m condemned to still live with my parents until I graduate from college. Yes, I'm aware that there are people who have big issues with intimacy and actually could use a relationship without it, but what then once I live on my own and have privacy?
I think I have made an overview of all the worries of my pessimistic mind when it comes to this subject. May be you may understand now why I have been sort of obsessive and annoying about it in the past, or something that probably nobody noticed, what usually motivates the songs and I choose for my music thread. To avoid ambiguity, I will clarify that yes, any suggestion or advice you have is more than welcome, I feel like I’m stuck, and anything what may provide me insight about this is appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
In first place, I'm not sure if this post goes in this sub forum, but I guess it does, being ultimately about a social situation that produces me anxiety.
For the ones who are familiar with my posts, you may have noticed an annoying tendency to complain about my loneliness, although I think I never have explained properly which my problem is.
I am very aware that having Social Anxiety (diagnosed or not) is not a requirement to be on this forum, yet sometimes I can't help to feel out of place here when I am able for example of speaking very well in public, being in the middle of a crowd, or even having worked as a salesman. That may make you wonder why I think I have something related to Social Anxiety. Well, I am a shy and introverted person, but as long as being like that doesn't interfere with my life and doesn't prevent me to do things that I want to, it is not a problem at all. Things are a problem when they prevent you from doing things that you want to, and that's why I know I have a problem. So what it is what I want to do and I can't?
I am absolutely sure, that I don't like being completely alone. Yes, I do have close acquaintances at college and very close friends from this forum, but that's not what I mean. Actually, through this friendships, I think I have got a glance to what a relationship could be, because is not only knowing that you have someone there who cares about you and listens to you and tries to help you within what's possible, and the happiness of being able to retrieve that to the other person. I can't of course know if it is like that, but I imagine that in a relationship, besides having that, probably with an even bigger level of commitment, is the knowledge that for that person you represent something that nobody else does. I am more than aware that relationships are not fairy tales, and that as every human activity, have their problems, but I like to think that the good things are much more than the not so good ones ad they are more than worth the effort.
It may be said that at the end of the day we just are looking for a selfish validation (may be induced by culture or the mass media or whatever) and that we shouldn't left our happiness and sense of self-worth depending in another person, but I think this is a thing were the debate about out motivations is irrelevant. I do know that I really would like to have a special person in my life, and that such thing would make me really happy, do I really need to justify myself to someone for wanting this? In many other aspects of my life I have a sense of self-worth, but the self-esteem is not an unitary thing to me, because I know I can be a successful professional and besides my career, that I really like, I also have hobbies for enjoyment and personal growth, but what do I get having that if I know I'll be having that alone and I have no one to share my life with? I am not expecting for someone to like me to feel like a valuable human being, although may be to feel like a complete human being. I know that one single thing won't bring you happiness, to me happiness is something in constant building, where you use very different things to build it and sustain it, but what when you are missing which is a very important part of it?
I think I should have made this clear in my thread about uncertainty. I could just reduce it to a question: what do you do when you really want something but you don't have the slightest clue of when are you going to get it (if getting it at all) because doing it doesn't depend entirely on you?
****
Ok I think I have made somewhat clear what I want and why do I want it, now I will try to tell what I think is between me and what I want.
Having told you that I don't have the most common fears people with Social Anxiety does, some of you may wonder (and by now at least suspect) which is my problem. This is, is extremely hard for me to socialize with women, especially, to express interest in them. When I was 5 years old , I had at preschool my one and online offline female friend, we were best friends and used to spend the most of the time at school together (is kinda sad that I can't remember her name). A couple other kids, specially this particular girl, used to tease us about it, with stuff like “are you a couple? Are you gonna get married?” but as far as I remember, back then I didn't mind. The next year, when I was at first grade, two months after the beginning of the school year, the teachers decided that as I already was able to read, write and make the basic math operations, I should be promoted to second grade. I did liked school, but it seemed pretty convenient to save myself from a year at school so I accepted, that resulting in losing contact with my friend (also a year later I was transferred from the afternoon classes to the morning ones). From then until fifth grade I, although shy, didn't had anything to make me think there was something wrong with me. I didn't made any female friends (and haven't so far until now), but I didn't had any particular worry to do it; but in that year a couple things happened that now I see as the first manifestations of my problem: one day the teacher had the brilliant idea of teaching the course how to dance the waltz, and I had what others may have considered as the luck of having assigned as dancing partner the girl who I considered to be the prettiest of the class. I had there what I think it has actually been the only panic attack I’ve ever had (actually everyone was very understanding and I was able to calm down and do the thing). The other thing happened once as I was getting ready to go home, a random girl approached and told me that my friend from preschool told her to ask me if I want to get back together with her, there my mind instantly shouted “wait, what? Back together? We were even ‘together’ at all back then?” all what I could think about was other people again teasing us, so the only think I could answer her was “no. No… nooooooooooo, no way, no” and left there as fast as I could. So it turned out that contrary to what I thought, all that teasing back then did have an effect on me.
In school and high-school it wasn’t really a problem, because although I started to seriously like girls when I was in 8th grade (I was 12 by then), until I graduate I didn’t had any particular interest in even being friends with the girls I knew there. It was once I entered university when I realized I had a serious problem. In the first week of classes, when many of the teachers don’t bother to show up, after realizing that we weren’t to have this class, we were hanging out outside the building, and I saw a chance to talk with this girl who I had noticed since we were doing the paperwork to register at the university. May be for being in that freshman environment were most people is open to knew each other, I started talking to her, but soon afterwards she told me that she didn’t had the same timetable than me, and my mind instantly said “oh crap I don’t have a “valid” excuse to talk to her then” so I said a couple things ending up the conversation. That stupid idea of not having a “valid” excuse to socialize with a woman it has been the pattern since then. When I feel like I have that excuse, I can talk without problems, for example with a cashier or a secretary, or when I worked as a salesman.
I did know I had a problem, but I hadn’t thought about it deeply until last year and I have been analyzing it since then. First I concluded that the reason I need to feel I have a “valid” excuse to start an informal conversation with a woman, is because first, I can’t get out my head the irrational idea that she will instantly assume that I’m flirting with her, and being the case that I do am interested in that particular person, I don’t want her to realize that unless I’m absolutely sure that she likes me back. But then I wondered why I am so reluctant to express my interest in a woman, and I was puzzled by this until I got a realization a couple days ago: I mean yes, there is the self-esteem being at rock bottom, but I also think (probably related to the self-esteem thing), that I can't get out my mind the idea that any attempt to socialize with a woman will be interpreted by her as flirting, and that such flirting (regardless if I'm trying to actually flirt or not), will be interpreted as if I'm a pig only interested in having sex with her and completely uninterested in her feelings.
I don't know why I have this irrational idea in my head, and most important, how to take it out of there. How you get out of your mind an idea that you're absolutely sure it makes no sense but still it prevents you from acting?
But also, even if I’m able to shake that thinking out of my head, I still see big obstacles. A couple days ago I posted that I realized that what I want, what I'm in position to get and what others are willing to offer are three things than won't coincide at all as long as I don't live on my own, but I didn’t explained much further.
I think what I want has already been established here, and I consider that even with all my problems and defects, there could be someone out there willing to offering me that, but only in principle. The problem I see is what I'm in position to get. A couple days ago I was asked if I was expecting to find someone with whom I would share exactly all my interests, and no, I’m not expecting that at all, but of course I expect to find (that assuming that I solve my problem of being unable to look for) someone with whom I have some things in common, and let me tell you, offline and online, such thing seems very unlikely to me. But let’s assume I’m delivered a cargo ship full of luck and I find that person, not to mention she would also need to be unbelievable understanding and patient to put up with all the quirks generated by my insecurities and ongoing loneliness. I'll still be on a tight spot. And that’s because as I have explained in other posts, I have virtually no privacy, which would exclude something as important as intimacy from the relationship, at least for the most of the next two years I’m condemned to still live with my parents until I graduate from college. Yes, I'm aware that there are people who have big issues with intimacy and actually could use a relationship without it, but what then once I live on my own and have privacy?
****
I think I have made an overview of all the worries of my pessimistic mind when it comes to this subject. May be you may understand now why I have been sort of obsessive and annoying about it in the past, or something that probably nobody noticed, what usually motivates the songs and I choose for my music thread. To avoid ambiguity, I will clarify that yes, any suggestion or advice you have is more than welcome, I feel like I’m stuck, and anything what may provide me insight about this is appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
