eso
Well-known member
For an entire week I've been unable to do anything because I've been afraid of what I did to a dear friend of mine, and it all stems from my past of being shy and not having any self-esteem.
I'm not sure how many of you have this or noticed this about us shy people, but we are so inwardly focused to the point that a lot of the times we can't see how we are treating others. I spent my entire childhood and teen years inside, hiding from people. I was bullied and etc, plus I was severely shy. So I grew up thinking that if I just supplicate to others, I wouldn't be judged and people would leave me alone. I'm always on the defensive, always trying to "explain myself" if I'm in a situation so that others won't hate or judge me harshly. It's a reflex reaction, so far ingrained into my soul that even now I still do it a lot. Another thing people with low self-esteem to is a need for validation to a fault. We need to know if what we did is ok or good because we are so concerned with how people or society judges us.
The problem is that kind of acting makes people judge you even harsher. People will call you a wuss, too negative, or too self-conscious or any number of things. And really, it's true. We have gotten ourselves believing if we just act in a certain way... and it's based *entirely* on fear... that we will be safe. But it instead makes the world react to us in an even more negative fashion, making this one of those vicious circles we know so much about.
Breaking out of shyness is so much more than talking to people, it's also learning how to BE with people. I learned that the hard way over the past few years. I read lots of books on how to do this, such as mingling advice and Dr. Phil relationship advice and etc. But it was all theory. You know, make sure you tell your friends or lover how much you care about them, or ask them how they are doing or whatever. Be aware of their feelings so you can respond in kind, that sort of thing. However, being male I have a lot of male "buddies" that don't really care if I say or do anything like this. We just hang out, watch tv, play games and whatnot. Every now and then we say to each other how cool it is that we are friends and if any problems arise we can just work past them because it's not a big deal.
For a while I only had one person that I'm very close to and that is my girlfriend. I have to be careful about what I say to her and how I react to her. The reason is because for the first time in my life, someone that isn't my parents has a vested interest in my feelings. She has intense respect for me, my opinions, my feelings, everything. That's a tough concept for people like us to grab ahold of. We are actually *valuable* to another person that isn't a mom, you know? What we say or do has a huge impact on their feelings too. So when we spend all our lives focusing solely on ourselves and supplicating to other people for fear of their judgment, suddenly the roles are either equal or reversed and we have little experience in that. The problem with my girlfriend is that if I say or do anything that hurts her feelings, she won't tell me and then eventually she just lets the problem go and accepts it as it a personality quirk of mine. I go on not knowing and have been like that for years. Dealing with it is something that kind of eludes me, but I continue to read books and advice and hope I can figure it out. We have time and each other and through anything, we can deal with this.
This all changed when I found what I really believe to be my first real close friend. I've had close friends before but they've just been 'buddies' like I described before. I have another female close friend that I spent a lot of time talking with about lots of sensitive subjects, but in the end she moved away and we just don't talk as often anymore thanks to distance and schedule. I have no problem with that, of course, but that means we aren't as close as we could be. But last year I met a different woman who I had an undeniable strong bond with. We bonded closely because she had medical concerns and I gave her lots of spiritual help. She is a lesbian so we never got to any romantic level (thank goodness, since I have a girlfriend already), but in the end we got so close we are in each other's hearts often. What this means is we both have a very strong mutual respect of the other's feelings and opinions. You can see where this is going.
She got married recently (where it's legal) and due to simple bad luck, I couldn't be there. Nobody's fault, that's just how the cosmos made it. I felt so down and depressed, angry at fate for doing this to me. I was also very scared of how she would react to me not being there. She knew it was just bad luck but I couldn't stop feeling bad about it. I spent all my time trying to 'avoid judgment' with her. You know, trying to explain my side of the story. And I wanted validation that I made all the right choices or that she didn't feel bad toward me. All this bellyaching from me, I forgot about her. I forgot that this was her day, not mine to complain. She got so upset she cried and hasn't spoken to me since. I forgot that here was a person who has a strong respect for me and my opinions, etc. Something like I said that we loners just don't have lots of experience with. Thanks to how we have grown up, our beliefs skew our world-view to US and not others, and all of our interactions with others unintentionally, even if we try to fight it, are about how we are so afraid of how others see us.
Now I'm completely racked with guilt. My friend Phil put it best: "you wanted to make up for your feelings of hurt so they wouldnt feel them, and sorta reaped the opposite" And that, people, is a huge problem. Not only now but in the future when you start getting into relationships and whatnot... you have to change your core beliefs or you'll end up hurting people you love. Something we can do to help us out when it comes to being more social is to focus on others, actually "being with others" instead of just "being and hoping others like us". That kind of rapport is something we should think about strongly. I dunno, that's just my 2 cents. Honestly, I am just writing on and on because I am so depressed about the fact that my dumb shyness and low self-esteem ruined the best friendship I ever had.
I'm not sure how many of you have this or noticed this about us shy people, but we are so inwardly focused to the point that a lot of the times we can't see how we are treating others. I spent my entire childhood and teen years inside, hiding from people. I was bullied and etc, plus I was severely shy. So I grew up thinking that if I just supplicate to others, I wouldn't be judged and people would leave me alone. I'm always on the defensive, always trying to "explain myself" if I'm in a situation so that others won't hate or judge me harshly. It's a reflex reaction, so far ingrained into my soul that even now I still do it a lot. Another thing people with low self-esteem to is a need for validation to a fault. We need to know if what we did is ok or good because we are so concerned with how people or society judges us.
The problem is that kind of acting makes people judge you even harsher. People will call you a wuss, too negative, or too self-conscious or any number of things. And really, it's true. We have gotten ourselves believing if we just act in a certain way... and it's based *entirely* on fear... that we will be safe. But it instead makes the world react to us in an even more negative fashion, making this one of those vicious circles we know so much about.
Breaking out of shyness is so much more than talking to people, it's also learning how to BE with people. I learned that the hard way over the past few years. I read lots of books on how to do this, such as mingling advice and Dr. Phil relationship advice and etc. But it was all theory. You know, make sure you tell your friends or lover how much you care about them, or ask them how they are doing or whatever. Be aware of their feelings so you can respond in kind, that sort of thing. However, being male I have a lot of male "buddies" that don't really care if I say or do anything like this. We just hang out, watch tv, play games and whatnot. Every now and then we say to each other how cool it is that we are friends and if any problems arise we can just work past them because it's not a big deal.
For a while I only had one person that I'm very close to and that is my girlfriend. I have to be careful about what I say to her and how I react to her. The reason is because for the first time in my life, someone that isn't my parents has a vested interest in my feelings. She has intense respect for me, my opinions, my feelings, everything. That's a tough concept for people like us to grab ahold of. We are actually *valuable* to another person that isn't a mom, you know? What we say or do has a huge impact on their feelings too. So when we spend all our lives focusing solely on ourselves and supplicating to other people for fear of their judgment, suddenly the roles are either equal or reversed and we have little experience in that. The problem with my girlfriend is that if I say or do anything that hurts her feelings, she won't tell me and then eventually she just lets the problem go and accepts it as it a personality quirk of mine. I go on not knowing and have been like that for years. Dealing with it is something that kind of eludes me, but I continue to read books and advice and hope I can figure it out. We have time and each other and through anything, we can deal with this.
This all changed when I found what I really believe to be my first real close friend. I've had close friends before but they've just been 'buddies' like I described before. I have another female close friend that I spent a lot of time talking with about lots of sensitive subjects, but in the end she moved away and we just don't talk as often anymore thanks to distance and schedule. I have no problem with that, of course, but that means we aren't as close as we could be. But last year I met a different woman who I had an undeniable strong bond with. We bonded closely because she had medical concerns and I gave her lots of spiritual help. She is a lesbian so we never got to any romantic level (thank goodness, since I have a girlfriend already), but in the end we got so close we are in each other's hearts often. What this means is we both have a very strong mutual respect of the other's feelings and opinions. You can see where this is going.
She got married recently (where it's legal) and due to simple bad luck, I couldn't be there. Nobody's fault, that's just how the cosmos made it. I felt so down and depressed, angry at fate for doing this to me. I was also very scared of how she would react to me not being there. She knew it was just bad luck but I couldn't stop feeling bad about it. I spent all my time trying to 'avoid judgment' with her. You know, trying to explain my side of the story. And I wanted validation that I made all the right choices or that she didn't feel bad toward me. All this bellyaching from me, I forgot about her. I forgot that this was her day, not mine to complain. She got so upset she cried and hasn't spoken to me since. I forgot that here was a person who has a strong respect for me and my opinions, etc. Something like I said that we loners just don't have lots of experience with. Thanks to how we have grown up, our beliefs skew our world-view to US and not others, and all of our interactions with others unintentionally, even if we try to fight it, are about how we are so afraid of how others see us.
Now I'm completely racked with guilt. My friend Phil put it best: "you wanted to make up for your feelings of hurt so they wouldnt feel them, and sorta reaped the opposite" And that, people, is a huge problem. Not only now but in the future when you start getting into relationships and whatnot... you have to change your core beliefs or you'll end up hurting people you love. Something we can do to help us out when it comes to being more social is to focus on others, actually "being with others" instead of just "being and hoping others like us". That kind of rapport is something we should think about strongly. I dunno, that's just my 2 cents. Honestly, I am just writing on and on because I am so depressed about the fact that my dumb shyness and low self-esteem ruined the best friendship I ever had.
