Dark angel
Well-known member
But there ain't no way ,I can't find no voice. You know what I mean? There's so much going on inside my head but there's no way of explaining it or of making others understand. I used to complain about how everything was before. During college, I hated going to classes because I always felt my performance was poor or that I was always doing something wrong compared to others. After graduating I felt there was an opportunity of change, of making things work or start anew but the panorama didn't get any better. No job after graduating, no possibilities of going to post-graduate studies because of my dumb-found fears of taking a certain type of steps to move forward. Eventually got a job to be in temporally. "Temporally" became two years after everything I said before. I hate this job. Not entirely and I'm thankful that at least I have one but is not how I envisioned my life to be. Is it wrong for wanting more? Of aspiring to be someone else? At the very least becoming who you've always wanted to be. Now I'm constantly unhappy every time I cross the door to my office I feel a very big burden in my head. Not to mention the place that I work in is so small and I have to share it with co-workers who are way judgmental. I ain't no saint either, that I know, but withstanding constant racist comments from one of them toward my persona and other people as well- makes me equally offended. The constant disrespect of them for people who do not share their own beliefs or sexual preferences. It becomes too much. It is an asphyxiating place to be in. To a certain point you can say is toxic. I used to laugh every now and then or smile at least from time to time. I used to treat the people I talked to at work with enthusiasm. Now, my mood has totally adapted to those who work around me and I've learned some conducts that were not part of who I was. Is there ever a place, a state of mind where one my feel...
... complete? I think now I'm worst than before. Back then it was just the loneliness and the worthless thoughts, now I have to add up being a conformist. The worst thing in life, and what I always said I was NEVER becoming was a conformist. That my life wasn't getting stuck behind a desk...
... Ta DA! Look where I'm now. I know I still got some time to change my current state, and that me and only me, am capable of doing so. But where do I get the courage and strength from?!? I can't seem to find it.
I have this ridiculous and utopic kind of dream constantly. In my mind, I achieve my dream career, reunite with some old crush, get married or at least we share the rest of our live together. I know it sound dumb. But it used to be my motivation. A false one but it was something. Now, not even that makes me re-take it all again. I want to scream but really, I no longer have a voice.:sad:
... complete? I think now I'm worst than before. Back then it was just the loneliness and the worthless thoughts, now I have to add up being a conformist. The worst thing in life, and what I always said I was NEVER becoming was a conformist. That my life wasn't getting stuck behind a desk...
... Ta DA! Look where I'm now. I know I still got some time to change my current state, and that me and only me, am capable of doing so. But where do I get the courage and strength from?!? I can't seem to find it.
I have this ridiculous and utopic kind of dream constantly. In my mind, I achieve my dream career, reunite with some old crush, get married or at least we share the rest of our live together. I know it sound dumb. But it used to be my motivation. A false one but it was something. Now, not even that makes me re-take it all again. I want to scream but really, I no longer have a voice.:sad: