I just don't care

[EscapeArtist]

I've been practicing lowering my standards, and trying to realise what i'm doing to impress others and what i'm doing truly for myself, and now... I just don't care about my "future". By "future", I mean that I realise I was going through with school to keep up to society's standards, and the whole job thing wouldn't suit me.. I wanted that uninteresting knowledge to impress others. I can't tell if this is a bad thing, that i've given up on school, am not even going to the exams because I don't mind if I repeat the grade online or not, I have time, I feel TOO at ease. Or if it's a good thing, because I no longer have so much stress that I'm having nightmares every night about school, and because i've let go of something that I realise wasn't for my own happiness... I've shed a lot of depression by shedding these standards, but I'm more isolated, for now, at least.

 

[seafolly]

I'm not sure how I'd categorize the feeling. I suppose it depends on your personality. I'm a perfectionist so the fact that I didn't even show up to a chemistry exam last month because I'm burning out so quickly that I truly didn't care (and don't regret it) is different for sure. When we face failure on a daily basis (failure to leave the house, failure to uphold a commitment, etc) it can truly wear down on a person. Especially when you've been battling for years. In regards to school you really do need to figure out if it's detrimental for you. In my case, I'd have given up years ago if any of my dream careers didn't depend on post-grad work. So I keep pushing. But so many of my friends who graduated when I should have (2007) are working jobs that don't require a degree. Waitressing, bank teller, photographer, day care assistant...it's disheartening to know the effort may amount to nothing. Only you know the answer (and if you're like me you might still be sorting through the information to make sense of it).

 

[Richey]

i think perfectionism really is the incorrect way to view any challenge ...
alot of people use the term pefectionist without really thinking about what the term actually means, i think its more important to make mistakes and to learn from them because that way you'll be more likely to try and give things a go, its good to have some standards but they don't have to be high all the time, they can be high for the things you are interested in but not for everything ..its ok to be half-arsed about things in fact its probably healthier because you are more likely to try new things where as if you believe everything must be 100% perfect then you are more likely to pull your hair out over it and it wont be enjoyable and your pedanticness will come off as uber arrogant.

the education system rewards people on grades and memorised knowledge rather than creativity and interest ...which of those two are technically better? its all opinion really.

i've worked with people who had never even tried a new project before and before they'd even tried anything had a perfectionist mindset ..it really should be as simple as use what you know, be ready to learn and be sure that you don't get it right so that you learn the process properly. if you get it 100% perfect then does this also mean it can't be altered back or forwards because its so perfect?

people really need to think about this term ...

there is a difference between an intended tangible goal and it being perfect ..what does perfect even mean in that situation?

i'm not having a go at you seafolly its just that i've been reading up on perfectionism lately and i've learnt that the mindset is just wrong and very warped ...

escape artist i think perhaps the "not care" mindset can work better if you target it towards "not caring" about what others think but still trying new things with interest and your own enthusiasm.

 

[coyote]

I would really urge you to stay and finish school, Escapeartist.

Not to satisfy the demands of society or to impress anybody else.

Do it for purely selfish reasons.

You are a very bright, creative, and beautiful young woman. Don't limit yourself more than you have to.

You have no idea where you'll be or what you'll be doing twenty years from now.

At that point you might be in a position where you'll want to pursue a certain job choice or be considered for a promotion, or whatever....Maybe trying to buy a house, or take out a loan to build a rescue orphanage for unwed Canadian ostriches....and having that diploma might make the difference then.

Don't do it for anyone else - screw 'em. Do it for YOU.

 

[RizingBurningSun]

Hi Escape Artist,
If you are starting to consider what is important to you, than I think you have raised your standards.
Okay, so you figured out that you don't want to continue with school just to join the rat race at a later point in life. But, maybe you want to continue with school in order to pursue a subject or career that you feel truly passionate about. If anything, school is a nice idea when you are a curious person who wants to learn more and more about yourself and the world.
Coyote has a point, it's wise to keep your career options open.
I can understand the stress and nightmares that accompany the constant pressure. It must feel nice to let go of it, for now. Sometimes it's necessary to regroup and then get back in the game. But, Escape Artist, if you're like me then you will come to find an inner pressure to pursue something that is more congruent with who you are.
Personally, I had to leave high-school when I was 15. I didn't graduate. I believe that if I had stayed I would not be alive today. But, even without graduating, I found a way to get into a very good University. I didn't graduate from there either. Instead, I went to college and pursued a subject that is congruent with my healing path. But, I still plan to go back to University more secure and stronger than ever.
It's not necessary to let go of your personal dreams and ambitions.
Blessings,
Rizing

 

[Lorraine Manca]

figure out the most painless way to make a living

 

[seafolly]

i think perfectionism really is the incorrect way to view any challenge ...
alot of people use the term pefectionist without really thinking about what the term actually means, i think its more important to make mistakes and to learn from them because that way you'll be more likely to try and give things a go, its good to have some standards but they don't have to be high all the time, they can be high for the things you are interested in but not for everything ..its ok to be half-arsed about things in fact its probably healthier because you are more likely to try new things where as if you believe everything must be 100% perfect then you are more likely to pull your hair out over it and it wont be enjoyable and your pedanticness will come off as uber arrogant.

the education system rewards people on grades and memorised knowledge rather than creativity and interest ...which of those two are technically better? its all opinion really.

i've worked with people who had never even tried a new project before and before they'd even tried anything had a perfectionist mindset ..it really should be as simple as use what you know, be ready to learn and be sure that you don't get it right so that you learn the process properly. if you get it 100% perfect then does this also mean it can't be altered back or forwards because its so perfect?

people really need to think about this term ...

there is a difference between an intended tangible goal and it being perfect ..what does perfect even mean in that situation?

i'm not having a go at you seafolly its just that i've been reading up on perfectionism lately and i've learnt that the mindset is just wrong and very warped ...

escape artist i think perhaps the "not care" mindset can work better if you target it towards "not caring" about what others think but still trying new things with interest and your own enthusiasm.

It's true, the word is thrown around a lot. What you outline is a very healthy outlook and one I wish I had but I must stick to my original term for my particular case. But oh how to articulate such a complicated feeling! I think we all have our own understanding of a perfect outcome with any given task. Some bars are set too high for ourselves, unrealistically high. In my case, if a paper isn't written to the best of my ability, or I haven't prepared for an exam to the best of my ability, I freeze. Nothing gets written. By "perfect" I mean being aware of what I'm capable of and if it doesn't match that, well, things fall apart. It's a gigantic problem and not healthy or normal, I know that. It's better to try and not do very well than give up completely. That said, since agoraphobia started my A's fell to B's and a few C's likely due to never showing up for class. But I haven't left university. Six years in, and I'm still fighting. I'd say the only way this happened was to be more realistic about my standards and end up doing alright on an assignment after all, but it took a lot of years to retrain my brain. However, it does come back sometimes like the case with that chemistry exam. It's a demon I face. Just as real as every other fear or hinderance we place on ourselves. I do applaud myself if I hand something in that I know is half-assed. It's finished, that's what counts, and in the grand scheme of things that assignment likely didn't weigh much!

I don't expect anyone to understand it, particularly since I've never tried explaining my thought process before, but I thought I'd try.

Back to the original topic, though, there will be setbacks. Just make sure you keep your eye on what you truly want from life and keep fighting for it. That said, closely evaluate if you need that degree. I myself have been questioned several times, particularly by my father who sees university as something I've had a go at but may not be well enough to finish after all despite his hopes. After missing that chemistry exam I really fell into a rut. I won't bore you with details but the concept of giving up on something I've worked so hard for was incredibly upsetting. Could it be the same for you? Can you make it another year (or two?)? It's been argued that in today's world a diploma gets you nowhere, that college is the way to go with a specified area of study. But that's quite debatable!

 

[redski]

I all to well know the OP's feeling. I have had weeks of "I just don't care"
where I have gotten nowhere with my university studies then I get anxiety
because there I am just wasting away. I HAVE to do things. I cannot just sit
and rot! Nobody is going to give me all the things I would want in life I have to
work for them. This has been my life so far. I was never served things on a silver platter.
Always, try and fail, try and fail until eventually I got my way.
It does take a toll on a person with SA because of the horrid thing called negativity.

I really force myself and push myself to do things even if I do not want to.

The thing about the "I don't care" idealism is that you might end up regretting at a later age.
Things you could have done but did not at the time and then
you look back and ask yourself "why on earth didn't I try..."
By that time it will probably be too late.

My father always says, regarding higher education,
do it now and get it over with because later on in life and age you might have a different situation.
My old man has also said that I have the rest of my life to work so get your education done first.

I do not think there is an easy way out. You sort of have to suck it up and
push yourself through this. I am not the most motivated student exactly.
My reasoning is even if I do something completely different after
I have taken my degree at least I have one behind me and I am sure it will come in handy.

In a self help book I read once the author said that perfectionism is just another word for low self esteem.