FlashGit
Well-known member
Hello everybody, I'm FlashGit. I'm 15 years old, I live in Canada, and i'm bisexual. I'm very mature for my age and I only really identify with people in their 30's, making it hard for me to make friends.
I've always known i was different, always been told it from a very early age. I didn't think it was a big deal, I didn't know what kind ov prejudice i would face for not conforming.
My problems include Social Anxiety, Shyness, Depression, Hyper Sensitivity, Agoraphobia, horrible self esteem, and so on and so forth.
My problems can be traced back to a friend I met in around grade 4. He was a rich kid a few grades above me who lived nearby, and he came to my house one day and asked if I wanted to come over. This was the first time anyone had actually approached me and asked to be my friend. My mom forced me to go even though this kid had been bullying me earlier in the day.
I was friends with him for about three years, until grade 7. In that time, he had managed to crush any self esteem or pride that I had left, convinced me i was a total waste ov flesh, and that i would never be good at anything.
I hated him, I hated everything about him, but my mom forced me to stay friends with him.
He was the closest thing to a friend I had, he was the only person who didn't tell me to go away when I got near him, now i realize i would've been better off a loner.
This kid had managed to crush any resistance I previously had and finally I just believed whatever he said. After about a year ov knowing him I was his whipping boy, i'd fetch him drinks and clean his room and anything else he told me to do, simply because no one else would hang out with me.
I don't like to sound conceited, in fact I avoid it at all costs, but people tell me i'm very smart. I personally don't believe them but everyone says it. This kid had convinced me that I was dumber than a rock (star), and that any goals i had i should just give up because i'd never succeed at anything.
Even just thinking about all this makes me tear up, typing it is very hard.
So after this kid insulted my family, they finally stopped forcing me to hang out with him, they even forbade me of seeing him.
I cried tears ov joy that night.
So after he was out ov my life i thought I was going to be happy again, little did i know the damage had already been done. No matter how much good stuff happened to me, I just couldn't be happy. Throughout all ov middle school I was a recluse, I hadn't been like that before. I'd eat my lunch in a corner everyday and never talk to anyone. Even though we had the freedom to leave at lunchtime and go to the mall, the only time I actually left was to buy the new Dimmu Borgir album. I had changed, after three years ov emotional torture i had just given up, I didn't like being around people anymore. If a person approached me, i'd shy away, in fear that they'd hurt me just like he had.
Every time I did something wrong or even just slipped up the littlest bit i'd hear his voice telling me how pathetic I was, I still do. I didn't know it, but i had been scarred.
I haven't changed since then, i'm afraid of people, afraid that they'll hurt me, I can't feel good about myself or anything I do. Back then I thought it was because I didn't have much to live for and I had no girlfriend and all that boring stuff, but now I realize that wasn't the problem.
I have a promising future in a field ov science, I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I lost my virginity to, i have freedom, I have all the things I've wanted for years.
But i'm still just as depressed.
It doesn't have a cause, it's just there, weighing me down like a giant sandbag.
That's pretty much my story, just wanted to get all that off my chest.
I've always known i was different, always been told it from a very early age. I didn't think it was a big deal, I didn't know what kind ov prejudice i would face for not conforming.
My problems include Social Anxiety, Shyness, Depression, Hyper Sensitivity, Agoraphobia, horrible self esteem, and so on and so forth.
My problems can be traced back to a friend I met in around grade 4. He was a rich kid a few grades above me who lived nearby, and he came to my house one day and asked if I wanted to come over. This was the first time anyone had actually approached me and asked to be my friend. My mom forced me to go even though this kid had been bullying me earlier in the day.
I was friends with him for about three years, until grade 7. In that time, he had managed to crush any self esteem or pride that I had left, convinced me i was a total waste ov flesh, and that i would never be good at anything.
I hated him, I hated everything about him, but my mom forced me to stay friends with him.
He was the closest thing to a friend I had, he was the only person who didn't tell me to go away when I got near him, now i realize i would've been better off a loner.
This kid had managed to crush any resistance I previously had and finally I just believed whatever he said. After about a year ov knowing him I was his whipping boy, i'd fetch him drinks and clean his room and anything else he told me to do, simply because no one else would hang out with me.
I don't like to sound conceited, in fact I avoid it at all costs, but people tell me i'm very smart. I personally don't believe them but everyone says it. This kid had convinced me that I was dumber than a rock (star), and that any goals i had i should just give up because i'd never succeed at anything.
Even just thinking about all this makes me tear up, typing it is very hard.
So after this kid insulted my family, they finally stopped forcing me to hang out with him, they even forbade me of seeing him.
I cried tears ov joy that night.
So after he was out ov my life i thought I was going to be happy again, little did i know the damage had already been done. No matter how much good stuff happened to me, I just couldn't be happy. Throughout all ov middle school I was a recluse, I hadn't been like that before. I'd eat my lunch in a corner everyday and never talk to anyone. Even though we had the freedom to leave at lunchtime and go to the mall, the only time I actually left was to buy the new Dimmu Borgir album. I had changed, after three years ov emotional torture i had just given up, I didn't like being around people anymore. If a person approached me, i'd shy away, in fear that they'd hurt me just like he had.
Every time I did something wrong or even just slipped up the littlest bit i'd hear his voice telling me how pathetic I was, I still do. I didn't know it, but i had been scarred.
I haven't changed since then, i'm afraid of people, afraid that they'll hurt me, I can't feel good about myself or anything I do. Back then I thought it was because I didn't have much to live for and I had no girlfriend and all that boring stuff, but now I realize that wasn't the problem.
I have a promising future in a field ov science, I have a beautiful girlfriend whom I lost my virginity to, i have freedom, I have all the things I've wanted for years.
But i'm still just as depressed.
It doesn't have a cause, it's just there, weighing me down like a giant sandbag.
That's pretty much my story, just wanted to get all that off my chest.
