I have to write this... I need to write all of this out...

[dannyboy65]

I don't sleep anymore, I don't eat. I eat about one meal a day and run on about 4 hours of sleep everyday. I don't have any motivation to do anything anymore. Around others I wear a mask, a mask of happiness, around others I'm the happiest guy. But the cold hard truth is I'm suffering inside. It's hard to keep down food, it's hard to just lay down.

When I shut my eyes to try and sleep images flash fast and screaming rings in my head. I grab my head to try and make it stop it never does. My parents could never understand my mind. I've tried to explain it to them more then once and they think I'm crazy, they then shove pills down my throat. I feel alone, I really do. My best friend wouldn't understand either he doesn't suffer from mental illness. I don't want to tell my life coach. I know he cares a lot about me. I just don't want to see him hurt.

I find it's hard to breath, like I'm always being suffocated. I want to be alone, but at the same time, I don't. I don't want to bring others down with me, I want them to be happy. The only joy I've been having was with my volunteering, the only time I feel I have a purpose. But other then that I don't have much of a life.

I didn't want to write any of this. I feel like I'm failing, I feel defeated. I was doing so well and I'm always so positive. But for weeks now I'm getting destroyed more and more everyday. I don't even look forward to the goals I set myself. I dread the future, I want to forget everything. I'm sorry for anyone that took the time to read this. I don't want to be negative, I just wanted to write.

 

[defiance]

I know what's it's like to feel as if a part of you is dying on the inside every single day. I am truly sorry that you know this pain. The only advice I could possibly offer is since you have a life coach try to ease into this topic with them and see if you can get anything out of it. Hang in there the best you can. Other than that I am at a loss as to what I can say as far as advice goes although I wish I had more to offer in that regard.

 

[ComplicatedGirl]

If you carry on to keep down food you probably get sick and that means to fall down deeply. I said this because for a long time last year i didn't eat very much and also didn't sleep. Besides i cried a lot. Result? I started to have hallucinations and deliriums. Please, ask yourself how much is your life worth or you could regret it in the future like i do now. Cheer up mate.

 

[dannyboy65]

Today I went to the autism foundation and asked for help and I talked to a close friend. I finally got my meds back after 3 weeks because the doctor wouldn't take my call, I had to go in there myself and get them from him. I still feel like absolute crap and still feel sick and gross, but I hope I get on track soon...