Well things where going up not good good but up. Now there is a lot going wrong with my life. I literally cant handle it. Its really not that controllable but this is the one thing I have most control over and I have no guts to change it.
My boyfriend cheats all the time, I have ZERO confidence, self respect or self worth to put a stop to it. I hate myself for letting him walk all over me. I have lost count of the number of times I have caught him with other girls, Facebook messages, comments on pictures. Sometimes I would go through his messages and he will kiss me goodbye and act normal and I knew he was going to some girls place and how they planned special night and he wouldn't come home and I would be wide awake knowing where he is. The girls are so beautiful and it makes me laugh to hat right I have to tell him to give them up and me stuck with me :/ With everything going on this pushes me over the edge, to a point I'm scared of what I might do.
Has life left my bar so low that I accept anything now because of how rubbish everything has been. I am lost. The hatred I feel for myself is concerning me. The anger rising within me in worrying me also, I am not violent or a shouty person but with my boyfriend I love him but there is this underlying hatred that when he touches me or kisses me I want to smack him. I was always depressed but I was strong, I never EVER let anyone disrespect me ever and one guy turns me into this. I would usually slap a girl who stayed with a guy like this let alone cries about it but whey! I am now that girl.-.- who knew :/
He did deactivate facebook for three weeks its back on he blocked me so I wouldn't know he has it back. he is always on his phone again and he just goes oh its instagram :/ and the last couple days I barely ever see him anymore... which means he is back at it. He waits for me to calm down and forgive which comes so easy for me and then starts again. its a cycle that has gone for over 2 years now. Its like habit, Its like I am used to the pain I just cry and get over it, catch him again and do the same or I just pretend its not happening.
Why am I not strong to not allow this. I did live him for couple months and went back to live with my parents and it was hell for me again I am weak. I was so alone so so so alone and it brought everything back that I came back running to him :/
Is it possible for someone to really not be in love with you? an after years its easy to pretend. Only reason I think he stays with me is he hasn't got a job an needs a place to stay. I think he would replace me in a second.
How do people cheat? its hurts more than I ever imagined. It has knocked my worth, confidence more than a million bullies, a million horrible words ever said to me. It literally physically hurts, and bring me full blown panic attacks that scare me.
I am too weak and hope one day I will be strong to live him I have tried I really have but I am just not ready I need to love myself more than him for me to get the strength yet I have no idea how :/
My boyfriend cheats all the time, I have ZERO confidence, self respect or self worth to put a stop to it. I hate myself for letting him walk all over me. I have lost count of the number of times I have caught him with other girls, Facebook messages, comments on pictures. Sometimes I would go through his messages and he will kiss me goodbye and act normal and I knew he was going to some girls place and how they planned special night and he wouldn't come home and I would be wide awake knowing where he is. The girls are so beautiful and it makes me laugh to hat right I have to tell him to give them up and me stuck with me :/ With everything going on this pushes me over the edge, to a point I'm scared of what I might do.
Has life left my bar so low that I accept anything now because of how rubbish everything has been. I am lost. The hatred I feel for myself is concerning me. The anger rising within me in worrying me also, I am not violent or a shouty person but with my boyfriend I love him but there is this underlying hatred that when he touches me or kisses me I want to smack him. I was always depressed but I was strong, I never EVER let anyone disrespect me ever and one guy turns me into this. I would usually slap a girl who stayed with a guy like this let alone cries about it but whey! I am now that girl.-.- who knew :/
He did deactivate facebook for three weeks its back on he blocked me so I wouldn't know he has it back. he is always on his phone again and he just goes oh its instagram :/ and the last couple days I barely ever see him anymore... which means he is back at it. He waits for me to calm down and forgive which comes so easy for me and then starts again. its a cycle that has gone for over 2 years now. Its like habit, Its like I am used to the pain I just cry and get over it, catch him again and do the same or I just pretend its not happening.
Why am I not strong to not allow this. I did live him for couple months and went back to live with my parents and it was hell for me again I am weak. I was so alone so so so alone and it brought everything back that I came back running to him :/
Is it possible for someone to really not be in love with you? an after years its easy to pretend. Only reason I think he stays with me is he hasn't got a job an needs a place to stay. I think he would replace me in a second.
How do people cheat? its hurts more than I ever imagined. It has knocked my worth, confidence more than a million bullies, a million horrible words ever said to me. It literally physically hurts, and bring me full blown panic attacks that scare me.
I am too weak and hope one day I will be strong to live him I have tried I really have but I am just not ready I need to love myself more than him for me to get the strength yet I have no idea how :/
I try and the thought of how it use to be scares me so I stick with it. 
