vivianvargas
New member
i hate me.
every time i open my mouth, there flies another sardonic blow or sarcastic joke in the air. i couldn't care less with the people who were been hurt by my venomous intellect. if it is an intellectual predicament at all. it's not intentional. well sometimes [most of the time] yes, and how i feel victorious when i tore my target right where i want him/her down. but then afterwards, after the success on hitting somebody, i feel my human side [the guilt]. sorriness. but the feeling stays inside. noone knows i am capable of feeling that kind of emotion. in my part, i just shrug it off, thinking that my humanness comes over me.
whenever i feel pity, concern, sympathy, or any other feelings that may signify attachment to others [may it be on a person, animal, cartoon character, things] i could not express myself because i am not supposed to feel those kinds of things. i do not want to be weak. because being unguarded makes me feel naked in front of everybody else. and that feeling is what i cannot tolerate. i cant stand being loose in front of anybody. i cant even stand to be naked in front of me.
result: i am indifferent besides when im shooting someone's tonsil [right on the target] with my magic bb gun. i have a spasmic
muscle with no other function than to beat hard. and hardly when im mad
...or when i cry. inside. all the brushing off of [other alien] feelings makes my spasmic muscle to be so stressed that it needed to be released. so i cry. not because im weak. but to relieve my stress. because i am not weak. i do not cry all the time but when i do, it is like a flashflood. uncontrollable. takes so many dreadful minutes. that in every ****ing moment, the feelings i cannot entertain in me flushes out in a very dreadful way. when they come gushing out [but still sits inside my head--all of the unresolved feelings are just drained inside] i can all feel them. it hurts so much. everytime i cry, the intensity never waver--they're as strong as it was the first time. this is my migraine. everytime im down, all these feelings cripple inside me. i am in so much pain every time i cry.
every time i open my mouth, there flies another sardonic blow or sarcastic joke in the air. i couldn't care less with the people who were been hurt by my venomous intellect. if it is an intellectual predicament at all. it's not intentional. well sometimes [most of the time] yes, and how i feel victorious when i tore my target right where i want him/her down. but then afterwards, after the success on hitting somebody, i feel my human side [the guilt]. sorriness. but the feeling stays inside. noone knows i am capable of feeling that kind of emotion. in my part, i just shrug it off, thinking that my humanness comes over me.
whenever i feel pity, concern, sympathy, or any other feelings that may signify attachment to others [may it be on a person, animal, cartoon character, things] i could not express myself because i am not supposed to feel those kinds of things. i do not want to be weak. because being unguarded makes me feel naked in front of everybody else. and that feeling is what i cannot tolerate. i cant stand being loose in front of anybody. i cant even stand to be naked in front of me.
result: i am indifferent besides when im shooting someone's tonsil [right on the target] with my magic bb gun. i have a spasmic
muscle with no other function than to beat hard. and hardly when im mad
...or when i cry. inside. all the brushing off of [other alien] feelings makes my spasmic muscle to be so stressed that it needed to be released. so i cry. not because im weak. but to relieve my stress. because i am not weak. i do not cry all the time but when i do, it is like a flashflood. uncontrollable. takes so many dreadful minutes. that in every ****ing moment, the feelings i cannot entertain in me flushes out in a very dreadful way. when they come gushing out [but still sits inside my head--all of the unresolved feelings are just drained inside] i can all feel them. it hurts so much. everytime i cry, the intensity never waver--they're as strong as it was the first time. this is my migraine. everytime im down, all these feelings cripple inside me. i am in so much pain every time i cry.
