SlipStream7
Well-known member
I go through these cycles of hypomania where I'm literally obsessed with learning more about myself and what's wrong with me. It started with me finding out my excessive sweating was a condition called axillary hyperhidrosis.
Years later I start to think I'm too shy and then I find out about SA and after absorbing almost every bit of info I could find about it I was convinced I had that too (which I do).
A little while ago I started to pick up on subtle things in my life that were problems and I started to realize that I do a lot of checking and rechecking, so I looked up all info about OCD and it's sub-types, and I was convinced I had mild-moderate check-recheck OCD and it's sub-form, ORS (Olfactory reference syndrome).
Yesterday I found out about a mental disorder that I feel really applies to me, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and it explains a lot of the mirror checking, why I feel certain parts of my body over and over again, why I'm never satisfied with how my hair is, why I'm paranoid that my dentist is wrong and that my teeth are going to fall out and I'll be screwed.
It seems like I'm trying to find one single condition that I have that explains EVERYTHING, but I only keep climbing up the ladder, as BDD is pretty serious (25% attempt suicide).
I dunno if anyone does this, but it's something I catch myself doing a lot: I'm always stuck between wanting everyone to know about my problems and just saying "F--- it" and then hiding it. It's like a total swing. One minute I'll set my facebook status as "[My name] has BDD." I guess I'm dying for attention but at the same time wanting people to know, but I don't know why. At the same time I feel like I need to get that off my facebook status ASAP, again, I dont know why. It's terrible because I feel selfish because I want people to feel sorry for me, but at the same time.....it's like they DO need to feel sorry for me.
Later on today I have a feeling I'll take the status msg off and tell myself I must have misdiagnosed myself as it isn't "that bad," but at this moment, right now, I feel like I'm the weirdest person ever. It's like I'm bouncing around between the attitude of being a victim to everything and trying to "walk it off" and be a soldier about it, thinking that ignoring it might be the way to fix it. I'm also wondering if it's something about the time of day, time of when I take caffeine, when I eat, etc etc etc that decides me mood. It's like I'm trying to control my life variables to find out what the deal is, when in reality it's just making me worse.
Being a neuroscience major I'm even more obsessed with fixing this, as I've ordered 5-htp to try to up my serotonin levels, since that seems to be the treatment for most of the disorders I claim to have.
I get lost in my thoughts and try to pinpoint why I'm not the perfect person. I keep thinking that I have too much caffeine and that's why I have all the symptoms of these disorders, but then I think that I had the disorders before, and regardless of, the caffeine.
It seems like I've got some form of hypochondria, but instead of not having the perceived disorder, I'm obsessed with finding out and attempting to fix everything about myself.
Does anyone else feel similarly? Like that the internet, with all it's information, is the catalyst for feeling worse? I feel like if I had never touched a computer then I would not have as much of a problem as I do. But now it's too late, as I already associate myself with this stuff. I can't get help because I know more about myself than doctors could ever find out.
Hopefully I'll be able to graduate college and get a neuroscience job where I can work on fixing myself, because I feel like I'm the only one that can....
(the only problem being that people with BDD have very very hindered academic performance because of their condition.....it's only getting worse)
Edit number 4:
I just felt it might be helpful to point out that I get into these moods mainly when I'm alone. I'm in college with a roommate, and whenever he or my friends are in the room, I've still got some symptoms of sweating and stuff, but the general feeling that I'm really screwed up isn't there.
It's literally like a stone drops in my stomach when my roommate leaves the room, like I'm screwed because I'm left all alone to my thoughts. It's almost like I need someone there because I know if someone's there I won't post on these board, check out online resources, etc....but once that person is gone, I'm in trouble.
Edit 5:
After the 200mg caffeine I took an hour ago kicked in, the problems that seemed so terrible above feel like things that I can just mentally power through. I just don't get it, is caffeine like medication and if I don't have it I get depressed and worrisome?? My mind is focusing on the fun aspect of today rather than the problems I discovered yesterday....I should write a book.
Years later I start to think I'm too shy and then I find out about SA and after absorbing almost every bit of info I could find about it I was convinced I had that too (which I do).
A little while ago I started to pick up on subtle things in my life that were problems and I started to realize that I do a lot of checking and rechecking, so I looked up all info about OCD and it's sub-types, and I was convinced I had mild-moderate check-recheck OCD and it's sub-form, ORS (Olfactory reference syndrome).
Yesterday I found out about a mental disorder that I feel really applies to me, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and it explains a lot of the mirror checking, why I feel certain parts of my body over and over again, why I'm never satisfied with how my hair is, why I'm paranoid that my dentist is wrong and that my teeth are going to fall out and I'll be screwed.
It seems like I'm trying to find one single condition that I have that explains EVERYTHING, but I only keep climbing up the ladder, as BDD is pretty serious (25% attempt suicide).
I dunno if anyone does this, but it's something I catch myself doing a lot: I'm always stuck between wanting everyone to know about my problems and just saying "F--- it" and then hiding it. It's like a total swing. One minute I'll set my facebook status as "[My name] has BDD." I guess I'm dying for attention but at the same time wanting people to know, but I don't know why. At the same time I feel like I need to get that off my facebook status ASAP, again, I dont know why. It's terrible because I feel selfish because I want people to feel sorry for me, but at the same time.....it's like they DO need to feel sorry for me.
Later on today I have a feeling I'll take the status msg off and tell myself I must have misdiagnosed myself as it isn't "that bad," but at this moment, right now, I feel like I'm the weirdest person ever. It's like I'm bouncing around between the attitude of being a victim to everything and trying to "walk it off" and be a soldier about it, thinking that ignoring it might be the way to fix it. I'm also wondering if it's something about the time of day, time of when I take caffeine, when I eat, etc etc etc that decides me mood. It's like I'm trying to control my life variables to find out what the deal is, when in reality it's just making me worse.
Being a neuroscience major I'm even more obsessed with fixing this, as I've ordered 5-htp to try to up my serotonin levels, since that seems to be the treatment for most of the disorders I claim to have.
I get lost in my thoughts and try to pinpoint why I'm not the perfect person. I keep thinking that I have too much caffeine and that's why I have all the symptoms of these disorders, but then I think that I had the disorders before, and regardless of, the caffeine.
It seems like I've got some form of hypochondria, but instead of not having the perceived disorder, I'm obsessed with finding out and attempting to fix everything about myself.
Does anyone else feel similarly? Like that the internet, with all it's information, is the catalyst for feeling worse? I feel like if I had never touched a computer then I would not have as much of a problem as I do. But now it's too late, as I already associate myself with this stuff. I can't get help because I know more about myself than doctors could ever find out.
Hopefully I'll be able to graduate college and get a neuroscience job where I can work on fixing myself, because I feel like I'm the only one that can....
(the only problem being that people with BDD have very very hindered academic performance because of their condition.....it's only getting worse)
Edit number 4:
I just felt it might be helpful to point out that I get into these moods mainly when I'm alone. I'm in college with a roommate, and whenever he or my friends are in the room, I've still got some symptoms of sweating and stuff, but the general feeling that I'm really screwed up isn't there.
It's literally like a stone drops in my stomach when my roommate leaves the room, like I'm screwed because I'm left all alone to my thoughts. It's almost like I need someone there because I know if someone's there I won't post on these board, check out online resources, etc....but once that person is gone, I'm in trouble.
Edit 5:
After the 200mg caffeine I took an hour ago kicked in, the problems that seemed so terrible above feel like things that I can just mentally power through. I just don't get it, is caffeine like medication and if I don't have it I get depressed and worrisome?? My mind is focusing on the fun aspect of today rather than the problems I discovered yesterday....I should write a book.
