I don't know what to do

[Falkor]

I can't accept it that I have Social Anxiety

I think with every situation that I want to walk away or make myself invisible (what i prefer not to) because otherwise I have to face a social situation which i'm dreading and this is why I lost my friends, I don't know people in school, i don't communicate with people about my problems, well on a level but not too close to my heart HOW much it hurts.

I have been making myself invisible for other people at college for a whole year by walking away every break going outside in the park all by myself. I can't sit in the canteen because I feel terrible in a full room of people.

Now that I don't have one single person to talk to at school, have not a social life, i start to get paranoid thoughts about the pupils at my college. They could easily think I'm ignorant, I'm arrogant, I'm not interested or that I'm a hermit. I am interested, I am desperate for wanting to talk to some people but I feel like I shouldn't try, I feel like a miserable person so then I avoid all the people at school, I first need a boost of positivity, which is gone at college. I dread every moment I'm here and watch the clock all day until it's over.

I always think I failed, my life has been rough, i have been sexually abused, emotionally abused by a teacher, i've got bullied for long years, and even physically hurt by bullies. And it all resulted in Social Anxiety and I really am having the thought that I'm ''In Despair and my life is a Nightmare''

The strange thing is, is that back in the days, I felt a time of joy, I was so proud of myself that I got back into school, I was so confident about my music that it's my strength, I was so convinced even that my looks are good. I even thought that my life is okay, I could more enjoy stuff easily a time ago, I had more dreams, fantasies, happy feelings. Now it's like I can't see those moments anywhere, and that it's still a misery how I was experiencing them and how it's so hard to even look outside the window in class (right now) and not even enjoy the sun.

I think it comes from the realization, that I know I have a disease in my mind called S.A.D, and that I have borderline, autism, and that I have been an almost death experience, I can't progress every thing, I am in full resistance of WHO I AM, and I want to BE DIFFERENT PERSON than THIS. Which Is TOO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH. While for other ppl (who are extravert) it's SOO EASY. Then I think, WHY ME?

I always compare myself to other's, I feel like a victim of my own life, like I said I'm full of miserable thoughts and I can't drag myself through it any longer. I just know i can't change the situation at school, because i already am in it, and they probably think i'm not a fun person to hang out with.

The hardest task is that i am self desctructive when i'm at school, i hate myself so much, that i'm so painfully shy and timid and that nobody understands it. I really am lost in my own head.

 

[Falkor]

Just talked to my school psychologist, and she made me realise that school isn't a place full of lions.. i only make it that way in my head...

though there are a lot of compassionate ppl that i might not see..

so, thanks to her i feel better.

 

[Thelema]

I've had similar experiences in school.

If you see people as just a group and not individuals, it seems like you're trying to interact with a big faceless scary thing.

You should try to get to know a person in class, or somewhere else where you interact with them 1 on 1.

 

[rxdc]

Sorry to hear that. I know what you're going through. I'm in a similar situation when I'm at school. I have a hard time socializing with people, and when it comes to lunch time I'm always eating by myself. It bothered me at first, but if it can't be helped, worrying about it won't help.

Don't let what other people think bother you. If you aren't comfortable talking to other people just focus on your own things for now. School shouldn't be a popularity contest, you're just there to learn and move on. Chances are that after you graduate you may never see this people again. Of course that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to people at all, but don't do it if you're no ready. There's no shame in that.

 

[Srijita52]

I'm glad you're feeling better now.
I'm really sorry Saskia.
I think its a vicious circle. We feel afraid, so we avoid. We avoid, so the fear gets worse. Maybe the right way is to face your fears, but its so so hard I know. I agree with her, sometimes we make things much worse in our head then they actually are.

 

[theslowesthand]

Hi Sas. You seem to be in a "rough patch" at the moment (rough year?).
It certainly is, i won'y deny, "HARD YAKKA" to have SA .. not only are there people issues, but also the general neurotic thinking that causes that - which affects all areas of ones life.
And i think a great portion of people on socialphobiaworld have gone thru very similar hardships, & i certainly am one of those.
It starts off just shyness & bit of neurotic, then goes onto avoidance, then paranoia, punishing self, etc. Viscious progression. Very hard to break out of.
You are a "very sensitive soul", as are many people with SA, and so are "vulnerable" to a great many emotions, which the average person is "immune" from, & those same people are "oblivious" to what your feeling & going thru. So its not easy for us senstive souls.

I can't accept it that I have Social Anxiety

When its such a major problem, it really is very hard to "accept", as you affects you in a profound way. I mean, how does one accept misery/hell/despair??. They don't really. They can be "resigned" & "hopeless" (& "aware" of it), but i doubt anyone would ever truly accept a torturous existence (unless they're a hard-core religious type maybe?)

The strange thing is, is that back in the days, I felt a time of joy, I was so proud of myself that I got back into school, I was so confident about my music that it's my strength, I was so convinced even that my looks are good. I even thought that my life is okay, I could more enjoy stuff easily a time ago, I had more dreams, fantasies, happy feelings. Now it's like I can't see those moments anywhere, and that it's still a misery {mystery?} how I was experiencing them and how it's so hard to even look outside the window in class (right now) and not even enjoy the sun.
...I always compare myself to other's, I feel like a victim of my own life, like I said I'm full of miserable thoughts and I can't drag myself through it any longer

Yes, i do clearly recall when you seemed full of optimism, hope, energy, etc. But now it seems the negatives are getting you down, & sending you into depression
So you do need to try get back to filling your mind with positive thoughts & activities, and that will help to handle all the neagtatives from your days at school, and hopefully can make you feel better & gain some peace
And you can ALWAYS go back to your music .. it will always be there waiting for you..

I am in full resistance of WHO I AM, and I want to BE DIFFERENT PERSON than THIS. Which Is TOO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH. While for other ppl (who are extravert) it's SOO EASY. Then I think, WHY ME?

Well you i presume are "introverted", and so you can NEVER be an "extravert", as its not in your genetic makeup. So u need to accept that for a start. I'm an introvert, and i "embrace" that truth, and "live" it (mind you, i have ZERO social life, & don't go to school or work nowadays). I can handle my hermit's existence, but sure, at times i get lonely/etc (more so the older i get it seems). But i have my own "blocks", which doesnt "allow" me to seek company, almost never. So i just have to ENDURE the loneliness/etc, and deal with my problems on my own essentially. Its how i've always been (my extremely introverted nature).

I just know i can't change the situation at school, because i already am in it, and they probably think i'm not a fun person to hang out with

Never say never!. Things can change. The impossible can become possible.
You gotta keep "questioning" everything you think, as i believe that is the main cause of your people issues. If you can get to a point where your thghts are more rational & positive, then others will notice (as u will be feeling better), and then they WILL want to be around you more.
Also, try to think one thing/problem at a time, so that you dont get overwhelmed by the internal info-overload (as that is very stressful, can make you even more anxious).

The hardest task is that i am self desctructive when i'm at school, i hate myself so much, that i'm so painfully shy and timid and that nobody understands it. I really am lost in my own head

Yes, i can relate to that a lot. I still punish myself these days, people-wise. That is tricky one...

So to sum up, you're definately in a "crisis", and you need to take some positive actions regarding your lifestyle. The crisis is TELLING you that "things are not okay, need changing". So you need to FOLLOW what this bad time is "telling" you. Work on your thinking some more. Get back into doing things that give you pleasure. Read some new books, fiction or faction (self-help), doesn't matter - you can learn from both. Maybe think about getting into belief system or religion?? (there's HEAPS out there, i will gladly provide you with some really good links to whatever you fancy). So altho you may not SEE it currently, you really do have TONNES of options!!!
--> Go ye and EXPLORE...

Ps: Feel free to PM me (or some of your other friends on here), as we can offer you some "support" to help you get thru these challenging times. One of the main reasons for SocialPhobiaWorld is for "support" from other people with similar issues. I'm on here most days.

 

[Ashiene]

I can't accept it that I have Social Anxiety

I think with every situation that I want to walk away or make myself invisible (what i prefer not to) because otherwise I have to face a social situation which i'm dreading and this is why I lost my friends, I don't know people in school, i don't communicate with people about my problems, well on a level but not too close to my heart HOW much it hurts.

I have been making myself invisible for other people at college for a whole year by walking away every break going outside in the park all by myself. I can't sit in the canteen because I feel terrible in a full room of people.

Now that I don't have one single person to talk to at school, have not a social life, i start to get paranoid thoughts about the pupils at my college. They could easily think I'm ignorant, I'm arrogant, I'm not interested or that I'm a hermit. I am interested, I am desperate for wanting to talk to some people but I feel like I shouldn't try, I feel like a miserable person so then I avoid all the people at school, I first need a boost of positivity, which is gone at college. I dread every moment I'm here and watch the clock all day until it's over.

I always think I failed, my life has been rough, i have been sexually abused, emotionally abused by a teacher, i've got bullied for long years, and even physically hurt by bullies. And it all resulted in Social Anxiety and I really am having the thought that I'm ''In Despair and my life is a Nightmare''

The strange thing is, is that back in the days, I felt a time of joy, I was so proud of myself that I got back into school, I was so confident about my music that it's my strength, I was so convinced even that my looks are good. I even thought that my life is okay, I could more enjoy stuff easily a time ago, I had more dreams, fantasies, happy feelings. Now it's like I can't see those moments anywhere, and that it's still a misery how I was experiencing them and how it's so hard to even look outside the window in class (right now) and not even enjoy the sun.

I think it comes from the realization, that I know I have a disease in my mind called S.A.D, and that I have borderline, autism, and that I have been an almost death experience, I can't progress every thing, I am in full resistance of WHO I AM, and I want to BE DIFFERENT PERSON than THIS. Which Is TOO HARD TO ACCOMPLISH. While for other ppl (who are extravert) it's SOO EASY. Then I think, WHY ME?

I always compare myself to other's, I feel like a victim of my own life, like I said I'm full of miserable thoughts and I can't drag myself through it any longer. I just know i can't change the situation at school, because i already am in it, and they probably think i'm not a fun person to hang out with.

The hardest task is that i am self desctructive when i'm at school, i hate myself so much, that i'm so painfully shy and timid and that nobody understands it. I really am lost in my own head.

Yes, it is hard to accept that one has SAD. My parents, after years of being talked to by doctors, still refuse to accept I have SAD and even deny it everytime. I keep telling myself not everyone was born equal or to have equal opportunities, which is true. Some are born with genetic diseases, some are born on the streets, some are born to be slaves or forced into child labor.

However, we were not born with SAD, our lives were made miserable by people around us (extroverts) who torment us and made us feel like garbage and this made our inherent shyness turn into SAD and that is why it is very hard to accept we have SAD, because unlike people who were born unlucky, we were not, we are just victims of a harsh reality.

 

[Falkor]

Thanks for all your replies dear SPW 'eys.

I've been to the school psychologist, and she told me that I might should think of telling the classmates about my Social Phobia, I would be so scared to tell them, it's like a presentation, but it sure would create a more safe invironment.

She will refer me to a ''courage-group'' (yeah it really excists) to learn to get more courage and become brave around people and the goals you want. I don't know what to expect, but she gave me the E-mail address of this woman who is leading the group. She told me to tell her my story and she already told about me, so i'm welcome.

it makes me quite happy that I will talk in a group like that, they would all miss a little courage there so i won't be the only one, i can't imagine anyone has such severe SA like me, but since I've been reading SPW it sure excists, but in a small country like Holland I sometimes doubt about it.

Well, I will get further on your replying on your posts people, i will have dinner time now with some nice fries at my grandparents and bro which is fun and very peaceful in their garden, so i'm relaxed right now..... and I will reply later.

Have a good evening everyone out here reading. <3

 

[CakiestCake]

Oh you are not alone in Holland with SA, another one here.
I admire your courage to go to that courage group, hopefully you will benefit from it.
Oh and, "Eet smakelijk!", that's have a nice meal in Dutch for people wondering.

 

[Falkor]

Oh you are not alone in Holland with SA, another one here.
I admire your courage to go to that courage group, hopefully you will benefit from it.
Oh and, "Eet smakelijk!", that's have a nice meal in Dutch for people wondering.

Oh well that's such a coincidence that you read my topic LOL ::

Yeah, it's called ''Lef'' it's a group called ''Indigo'' in the netherlands of course xD

Haha, dankjewel, ik heb heerlijk gegeten, bedankt voor je berichtje Cakiestcake, originele id, haha, maar toevallig joh....

Greetz,
Sas