I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I think I can reapply in two years for university as a mature age student if I get excluded from the program.
God-damn it is depressing and awful. I haven't had clinical depression before, but it's undeniable I'm in it right now. Now I know what it feels like. Every waking moment, it's on the back of my mind, like a dark rot with its tentacles wrapped around my limbic system, sucking the joy out of my brain. Making sure that the minute I start to lose myself in some pleasurable engagement, some stimulating activity, I am intruded upon by my dark and desolate reality, and once again overshadowed by a sense of impending, meaningless, hopeless doom. It's always there, taunting me, dragging me down further. Even through all of this, I wonder to myself: are you not just being a hypochondriac? Pull yourself together and suck it up like the rest of us! Which, unsurprisingly, makes it even worse.
The first time I was considered at risk, my course coordinator recommended that I take six months off. I said I would do one subject, just so I could continue to do things part-time, so my mother would not be angry at me and my dad and step-mother would not think I was a lazy hippy (I didn't tell him the reasons--I didn't want him to think I was some nerdy goody two-shoes who wanted to make his mummy and daddy happy). He said that I should only do that if I was sure. I felt like I was sure at the time (I'd taken a couple of Ritalin half hour before and had a positive attitude).
About four weeks in, I was just feeling overwhelmed. I was having trouble finding a part-time job, and I was going through a period of personal misery, wondering if going to uni was even worth it. At this point, a normal person would have said to himself “alright, withdraw your course before the census date, take a leave of absence, and tell your family that you are not doing any subjects till next year.” Not me. I literally just refused to think about it, pushing the badness right out of my mind. I avoided all thoughts even remotely relevant to uni and education. To lapse and think about it was just depressing and nerve-wracking. I spent my days sitting at my computer in my room, surfing the internet, reading books, and watching shows, pretending that everything was just peachy.
It made me feel safe and comfortable. I avoided thoughts of finding work as well, distracting myself and telling myself I'd get around to “the important stuff” tomorrow. This continued for about eight weeks, until I finally decided to pluck up the courage to withdraw from my course; I say “courage” because I felt unbelievably nervous that I would be “locked in” and unable to withdraw, thereby ensuring my failure and expulsion from uni (!!!!). Since it was past the census date, I had to pay for the course. Three weeks later, I emailed my coordinator asking if I would be considered at risk if I didn't actually fill out a “Leave of Absence” form and defer prior to the census date. He said I might be. I told him that I was considered at risk last semester, and asked how this would affect things. He said he would get back to me the following Monday. He still hasn't gotten back to me. I am literally terrified to email him again; the prospect of bad news is just too overwhelming. But I know I have to email him again and ask what is going to happen to me. There is no way out of it.
How did it get to this? Here's why: it's due to my overall negative attitude, my social anxiety, and my inability to deal with stress. I have no social life at uni, I go out of my way to only go there when I have to (so I can avoid people), I struggle to get motivated to do long and arduous tasks, and I always, ALWAYS question my intelligence, and wonder if I am smart enough to be there--that is an OCD habit of mine: constantly, CONSTANTLY examining and re-examining my intelligence and wondering if I even have any.
Everyone at university seems to be motivated, sure of themselves, at ease, and happy. Even if there are a few shy people at uni, they at least manage to find a small clique of friends and some kind of social life, and stay on ball, on point and under the radar, speeding towards their goals. Not me. I feel like I've been running on the same spot for 4 years, while everyone else has zoomed ahead.
I tell you all of this because they are the thoughts that come up in my mind when I do anything related to uni (studying, homework, watching lectures, completing surveys, etc). Hence it is why I find uni life so crippling. I always have that feeling that there is a ton of things that "everyone" in uni is doing that I am not doing, like they are all tuned in on the correct frequency, yet I am struggling to even erect the antenna, let alone point it in the right direction.
I signed up for two other classes to replace them and paid for them myself but i'm sure they will find out eventually. What should i do :
