How to Stop Making Excuses for Him (and Everyone Else)?

[Sk8tergurl48]

Hi all!

It's come to my attention lately that I often go out of my way to rationalize other people's behavior. I know it isn't necessarily good, but I find myself making excuses for other people's actions for a variety of reasons.
For instance: My boyfriend and I were studying math yesterday and he got so frustrated over a problem that he started cursing and threw his calculator off of my bed. I didn't really know how to respond to it, but in my head I reminded myself how much he hates math and that he's really stressed. When he said he was sorry about bursting out like that, I said to him, "it's ok, I know you're under a lot of stress". I didn't like that, and neither did he; in fact he got upset and told me to please not say things like that anymore since he's trying to work on not making excuses anymore and it's really hard when others do it for him.:thinking:
It's not just in my romantic life but with pretty much everyone that I know. I've always been extremely passive and I have a tendency to want to fix everything for everybody, so I think that's where this comes from. How can I stop making excuses both for myself and the behavior of others? I don't want to interact with people this way anymore.
Thanks so much!

 

[surewhynot]

You sound like a very empathic person, and that can definitely have both pros and cons, but you might have to accept it as a part of what makes you yourself. There's nothing wrong with the way you are, far from it.

The fact that your boyfriend got upset at you for being understanding is far more troubling to me. From what you tell us you're not the issue in the relationship, he is. Empathic individuals tend to blame themselves for the wrongdoings of others, you should be careful about that.

 

[Sk8tergurl48]

You are correct, I am by nature a very empathetic person. I find myself always trying to get into other people's heads so that I can respond to how they are feeling. Consequently it is impossible to read minds, so I end up feeling a little lost. I do deal with a lot of self-blame and guilt, but that isn't what I was getting at eith this post.
Also I think I was unclear about the incident I refered to yesterday. I'm not having relationship troubles, I was using this as an example. My boyfriend was not upset with me for being understanding, he just didn't feel right about me giving him an "out" for his actions. He prefers to take things on his one shoulders and refuses to let anyone apologize for or take responsibility for his actions.

 

[Sk8tergurl48]

Like I said before, this isn't just about me and my boyfriend, this is about all of the other interpersonal reaction ships that exist in my life. I make excuses on a daily basis for why something isn't somebody else's fault even when it technically is. I'll come up with some more diverse examples and post them as they occur. Hopefully this will paint a clearer picture.

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

My bf went on a mood stabilizer which helped him he says. I hope your boyfriend is patient with you too because if not that wouldn't be fair.

 

[Odo]

I don't think it's fair to expect ourselves or others to be robots who always behave perfectly all the time. It doesn't sound like he got upset at you, just at himself, and then he apologized for it... and then started beating himself up for getting frustrated.

Everyone gets frustrated from time to time... making it into a big drama isn't going to do anyone any good, and I don't think having a reason for being frustrated is an 'excuse'.

It might help to recognize when he is becoming frustrated and then take a break from whatever is causing the frustration, then come back to it later.

 

[Nazim]

You are not necessarily making excuses.
You are just being an understanding human being, that cares and tried to understand

Don't worry, just try to be as subjective as you can.

 

[Hoppy]

I also tend to be the same.

But I've once read something, and it said: "Be soft on people, but be hard on standards."

You may understand it, but just because you understand it doesn't make it more enjoyable. I am starting to use that with people. It works.