How to escape SP/Depression

[Horatio]

Im starting to get very desperate here and am trying even the most stupid solutions to have a break from being a lonely anxious depressed loser

last night I drank pure ethanol along with a litre of rum and 20 hours later Im still feeling the effects. my excuse was that I couldnt go out on the town without it, that I might kill myself if I didnt find a way to have a break from the lonliness and despair which is overwhelming me

Im trying my best to get better, trying new things, trying to meet people despite the anxiety which so often holds me back and its all a lost cause. Im even spending more money on therapy than rent and as a result am starting to build up huge debts.

does anyone have a solution? not a one time fix for SP/Depression but just something, anything, that can help me just have a break from it all for a few hours every day? If only I could put my life on pause for a few hours every day then maybe I can survive for a little bit longer, maybe being alone wouldnt feel so bad if I couldnt think.

argh fuck it, this world obviously just aint meant for me

 

[redlady]

Horatio - gosh i don't know quite what to say - i apologise. Well for one i aint gonna throw a whole lot of fucking platitudes at you cause i hate that.
Hey what does your therapy entail if you don't mind me asking. You don't have to say if you don't want to. As for a solution - i wish i knew. I would share it with you in a heart beat. I have difficulty expressing myself - i exercise a lot as a release - i guess that isn't a solution, i'm just avoiding my emotions.
Well i will say this though - your actions to help yourself are brave and speak of strength. Dare i say it.....don't give up man ( Oh dear i promised i wouldn't - forgive me )

 

[black_mamba]

If you had stayed in London a bit longer Horatio I could've showed you round the local bong shop.

So does your therapy even help you? I'm sure you've heard this all before but simply putting yourself in social situations without altering your negative thinking patterns can do more harm than good.

As for quick fixes, I don't know any. But I sincerely hope you continue fighting, its saddening to hear you feeling so down. A litre of rum would probably kill me, please look after yourself!

 

[pitkreet]

Everyone's experience and needs are different and I recall that I used to feel that desparate loneliness at times.

I'm probably more alone in my life than ever before, yet I no longer feel that pang of loneliness. I still have SA, it prevents me from getting true fulfilment from life, but I find that I have enough interests to keep me feeling relatively stable and vaguely glad to be alive.

I do things like regular exercise (jogging and cycling mostly). It keeps me physically reasonably fit, is known to give you a psychological lift, and frankly, gives me something to do with my time. As you get into it, you take more interest in it and it can also then act as something to talk about with other people who jog/cycle.

I'm also learning a couple of musical intruments in group classes. Something to do, something to challenge me, keep my mind occupied, it;s fun to play with other people of similar abiltiy and interest.

I'll be honest, I'm not making any new close friends out of it, but it doesn't seem to bother me for some reason. But that's not to say you wouldn't make friends doing such things.

As I said at the start, everyone's different and I think I have come to realise that I am quite content to be alone. But personally, I think going out on the town desparately seeking company would make me feel extremely miserable. It's how I used to feel but I seem to have got past that stage. Being surrounded by "happy" strangers having a party would make me very miserable, being in isolation doesn't.

 

[Disconnected]

I can't offer you a solution, I can only offer you my own experiences which seem to be approaching desperation. I haven't done anything risky per se, but I am reeling a bit emotionally from this lack of any connection. I feel fucked up, weekends are bad particularly. The only way I can be ok is to constantly distract myself. Books, movies, music, whatever. Any momentary diversion that makes that sick feeling in your stomach subside for a little bit. Otherwise I'm really scared. I don't know what to do. I know this feeling of depression will pass and I'll be ok again tomorrow. I hope that you can stick it out. The most important thing is to never lose hope. Sometimes hope is the only thing keeping your head above water.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and take your pain away. Because I understand it and I don't want anyone to feel this way. I feel like crying, but that doesn't help. The best thing is to keep the feelings at bay, and try to keep your head up as long as you can.

 

[Horatio]

Hey what does your therapy entail if you don't mind me asking.

The therapist just asks me lots of questions, he is good at explaining how I came to be this way, how it wasn't my fault, how it was unfair and since going I can now understand it a lot better but if anything Im now actually worse.

I'd managed to get so much of what happened out of my mind but now it keeps coming back, my number of panic attacks has increased with the flashbacks and regular nightmares ensure I get next to no sleep.

So does your therapy even help you? I'm sure you've heard this all before but simply putting yourself in social situations without altering your negative thinking patterns can do more harm than good.

In a short answer, no, my therapy hasn't actually made life any more bearable and hasn't helped me find a solution for my lonliness.

I know its not a good idea to put oneself out there when vulnerable but out of desperation Ive really been making an effort this year to change the way things were. Last year I had given up and spent close to 5 months in bed at my parents place but this year I moved cities by myself, started working again and have been making a genuine effort to meet people/form relationships. Unfortunately I used alcohol to give me the false courage I needed to take that step and now I rely on it far too much and like every other time, my efforts to live a non-solitary life have ended in failure.

When one is not wanted by the world, why should they so desire to be part of it?

 

[DazedNConfused]

Not sure what to say, but I think the others are correct by saying you need to find something you love doing and to just lose yourself in it. Drinking will just cause you to be more depressed (it is a depressant, after all)

Like the others, I'm wondering what your therapist is doing to help you.... Does he/she even know what SA is? I know the first one I went to back home didn't have a clue, she had to look it up in a fucking book :roll:, and then basically dismissed it as not being a cause for my anxiety. Has your therapist recommended any anti-depressent meds for you to take? Maybe that will help.

 

[Uglyduckling]

The alcohol probably isn't helping though it might seem like it is.
Have you attended any AA meetings? Is the alcohol becoming a real problem or are you still functioning relatively well?

My grandma was an alcoholic. I didn't even want to be around her when she drank. We even stopped going to visit at one point in order to give her a chance to sober up. It was sad, not seeing her, but she would call us at all hours of the night just to remind us that she was on the binge again.

A few years before she passed away she gave up drinking. I loved visiting her then.

The thing that worried me most about your post is the fact that you drank pure ethanol. Were you trying to hurt yourself or was it merely a cry for help.

I think that if your feeling this down you definatley need to go talk to somebody. Good Luck! Hope you feel better soon.

You need to think about all the positive things you've done. I think it is wonderful that you moved out, got a job, and are trying to build relationships. I envy your courage. The fact that you've taken up music lessons as well. Wow! It sounds like a move in the right direction. Keep up the good work!

 

[Horatio]

Im functioning fine, I just need alcohol if I want to be around other people socially or if I want to be at home all weekend and not feel lonely. I can go back to being depressed all the time if I want to but alcohol gives me a break from that

I know its stupid but I drank the ethanol to help me meet chicks at the bar, Im hopeless when sober and just get laughed at and fuck it hurts. When drunk Im confident and funny and more like what I used to be like before becoming a loser. Friday night was the first time in years that I felt like I had an equal chance to meet a girl, but that was just the alcohol cause of course I had just as much success as always, none. but it was a nice feeling to not feel out of place for once

 

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, okay, reading that post a couple of things kinda leapt out at me.

You say alcohol makes you feel "more like what I used to be like before becoming a loser".

You're not a loser. The alcohol is releasing you, the real you that is held captive by negative thoughts when you're sober. In Vino, Veritas - what a wonderful saying - In Wine Lies Truth. Basically who you are when you're drunk is much closer to your true self than who you are when you're sober. This is because the alcohol disrupts your thoughts, and it's thoughts that are causing you to be depressed (/socially anxious? sorry I don't know if you are that too?). 'Inhibited' is the word, maybe. So when you describe yourself as confident and funny, that's because you are! It's all the other muck that makes you doubt it.

However alcohol is a depressant, which is the last thing someone suffering from depression needs to be putting into their body. When you drink, you may feel great, but the next day it's not just negative thinking that is bringing you down (ha, "just" >.<) but there is a chemical reason for you to feel down also.

So drinking in order to not feel depressed won't work the way you, I and possibly millions of others hope it would. It just makes you depressed. Instead of helping you, alcohol is dragging you down. And that's just the mental effect.

Now I know it's very easy to quick-fix other people's lives from a distance; it's far tougher to deal with your own life (it must be, or therapists would be the happiest people on Earth) but sometimes an outside view can help.

I just hope you understand that you are not what your negative thoughts have compressed you into being - YOU are not your feelings, or your thoughts, but something more than either, and without this devolving into a cheese-fest, you can beat both. Without alcohol.