How SA Works: the mechanics of your SA.

Phobologist

Phobologist

1
I would like to suggest that there may be many causes to SA, each following the same pattern. I came to this realization after discovering ALL my anxieties have the same source.The following is my analysis of Social Anxiety. I hope it will help you, but I am not an expert, so please don't take this as authoritative. :D

The roof of our fear:

Here is an example of my phobia thought process...

I AM DEFFECTIVE ----> DEFECTIVE PEOPLE ARE UNLOVEABLE ----> I AM UNLOVEABLE ----> I AM WORTHLESS

Here is an example of several other phobias I have found with other sufferers...

I AM UGLY ----> UGLY PEOPLE ARE UNLOVEABLE ----> I AM UNLOVEABLE ----> I AM WORTHLESS

I AM STUPID ----> STUPID PEOPLE ARE UNLOVEABLE ----> I AM UNLOVEABLE ----> I AM WORTHLESS

I AM A FAILURE ----> FAILURES ARE UNLOVEABLE ----> I AM UNLOVEABLE ----> I AM WORTHLESS

The Origin of the Root Fear:

From what I can tell, social phobics are obsessives. Furthermore, absolutely everyone with social phobia suffers from thinking distortions. See http://www.healthymind.com/s-distortions.html Lastly, there is good evidence from neurology that SA sufferers have abnormalities in the parts of their brains which control anxiety. It is my belief that our root fears develop in the following cycle:

EXPERIENCE ---> [OBESSIVE THINKING] ---> DISTORTIONS ---> [OBESSIVE THINKING] ---> EVIDENCE ---> [OBESSIVE THINKING] ---> FEARFULL BELIEF ---> [OBESSIVE THINKING] ---> ANXIETY

We were unlucky enough to experience circumstances that "triggered" us into developing SA, but there are many "normal" people who could get it.


The Reason We Fear Other People

We don't really fear other people, we fear ourselves. We are terrified that through our experiences, others will confirm our over-powering anxious belief: that we are defective, or stupid, or lazy, or ugly, or whatever it may be. If we did not believe others were capable of confirming our terrifying belief, we would not fear them. This is the reason normal people do not have SA - nothing anyone can do will convince them they are worthless. ;)


The Solution to Our Problem

Because we all have INCOMPATIBLE PHOBIAS, we can't all be correct about our fears at the same time. Some of us are WRONG. Probably ALL of us. For instance, the person who fears being ugly can survive being stupid, and vice a versa. That makes no sense, obviously one of them has to be obsessing over an irrational fear, if not both of them. I therefore suggest the following...


1. Get others to help you: Get a therapist. Get medication. Chat with people who have phobias different from yours.

2. Identify your root fear.

3. Identify the beliefs which support your root fear.

4. Knock down the evidence which your beliefs are based on by using your chat buddies, therapist, or anyone else, to REFRAME YOUR THINKING.


I hope this helps., it's working for me. :)
 
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caithead

caithead

Member
This has single-handedly been the most useful post I've come across on this site. :) THANK YOU.

My mother likes to say my thought process is "warped" but hearing it first-hand from a SA sufferer makes it sound less negative. Your flow charts really tell the truth: the anxiety is what stops us from engaging in further social situations because we're afraid of reinforcing what we don't like about ourselves.
 
Phobologist

Phobologist

1
caithead said:
This has single-handedly been the most useful post I've come across on this site. :) THANK YOU.

My mother likes to say my thought process is "warped" but hearing it first-hand from a SA sufferer makes it sound less negative. Your flow charts really tell the truth: the anxiety is what stops us from engaging in further social situations because we're afraid of reinforcing what we don't like about ourselves.
Click to expand...

Thanks a lot Caiti, it makes me so happy to hear that. Your thought process is indeed warped. Its funny how such terrible ideas lurk behind such normal looking faces, isn't it? You don't look warped in the slightest :D. Me neither, but man am I ever! For instance, until a week ago I didn't believe people like you existed...that is attractive cool people with SA. See? I also didn't believe bodybuilders, actors, djs, or other such people could develop anxiety disorders such as panic. Ive come a long way and so will you.
 
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Meggerz88

Meggerz88

Well-known member
I like how you explain your thought processes. It is helpful to hear somebody else describe pretty much what goes on in their head. Something to add to that though... I recall from a psychology class I took in grade 12, there are three basic root issues. All of a persons conflicts tend to come down to the same one of these three:

1) Am I worthy of love?
2) Am I intelligent?
3) Am I a good person?

You can tell by analysis of conflict (big or small) what your issue is. Mine is whether I am a good person. I get upset when people doubt my motives for example or judge me before knowing the real me, etc. I think that your "I am unlovable" reasoning could be replaced by any of these depending on what your root issue.

It is these basic root issues that complicate arguments. How do you keep up a reasonable argument and be heard if you don't know what you or your opponent are actually offended by? For example, I may get upset that a friend did not trust my better judgment when I was asked to advise them about something, but they will be upset that they feel stupid for making a mistake and I seem like I am just rubbing it in. We all know that isn't how the actual argument is going to play out though! Few people actually realize what they are even upset about and address it.

A good exercise is to think about a conflict you have had with somebody; ask yourself why you were upset. What did you do? What do you wish you did? After awhile, it becomes pretty apparent which of the three issues is lurking in the shadows for you!
 
Phobologist

Phobologist

1
Meggerz88 said:
I like how you explain your thought processes. It is helpful to hear somebody else describe pretty much what goes on in their head....

...I think that your "I am unlovable" reasoning could be replaced by any of these depending on what your root issue.
...
A good exercise is to think about a conflict you have had with somebody; ask yourself why you were upset. What did you do? What do you wish you did? After awhile, it becomes pretty apparent which of the three issues is lurking in the shadows for you!
Click to expand...

Hi meggerz and thank you very much. That is an interesting insight, and I think the good-person one can indeed be used as a substitute for am I loveable. Excelent point, absolutely brilliant. :D

However, I disagree with the intelligence root cause. I don't think this is a root cause. People who are afraid of being stupid base their self-worth on it. Its not an ultimate cause, its a transitional thought which leads to a more basic reflection about one's self.

You're conflict exercise is also astute. I don't use this enough.
 
richi1173

richi1173

Active member
Excellent post.

For me, it has to do with my childish mindset that if Im not perfect, then Im not worth anything.

For example, I got a 92 on my math test and I was so depressed by it that I got extremely depressed and cried about it just because I wasn't the best.

I got an 83 on my Astronomy test and I almost had a fit today. I got into my car and started screaming and telling myself that I'm a piece of crap.

This is also the mindset that I have with how I dress. If something small is wrong, then my self esteem collapses entirely. I used to obsess for hours about getting my hair right, so I would wake up at 4 in the morning when I had to leave almost at 7 in order to get my hair just right. Most of the time, it wasn't enough time.
 
caithead

caithead

Member
Phobologist said:
Thanks a lot Caiti, it makes me so happy to hear that. Your thought process is indeed warped. Its funny how such terrible ideas lurk behind such normal looking faces, isn't it? You don't look warped in the slightest :D. Me neither, but man am I ever! For instance, until a week ago I didn't believe people like you existed...that is attractive cool people with SA. See? I also didn't believe bodybuilders, actors, djs, or other such people could develop anxiety disorders such as panic. Ive come a long way and so will you.
Click to expand...

It really is crazy, in retrospect, just how many people have some form of anxiety (even if it isn't the social kind)! You're too kind. :) That's exactly what I'm out to find right now too...regular people who simply can relate to these "quirks"; I'm realizing they're abundant...many people are just able to hide it really well. So you say you've "come a long way" - where would you say you stand right no in the process of slaying the SA demon? :p
 
Phobologist

Phobologist

1
richi1173 said:
Excellent post.

For me, it has to do with my childish mindset that if Im not perfect, then Im not worth anything.

For example, I got a 92 on my math test and I was so depressed by it that I got extremely depressed and cried about it just because I wasn't the best.

I got an 83 on my Astronomy test and I almost had a fit today. I got into my car and started screaming and telling myself that I'm a piece of crap.

This is also the mindset that I have with how I dress. If something small is wrong, then my self esteem collapses entirely. I used to obsess for hours about getting my hair right, so I would wake up at 4 in the morning when I had to leave almost at 7 in order to get my hair just right. Most of the time, it wasn't enough time.
Click to expand...


Man Richi that is harsh. It sounds like there's mabye an OCD component to that whole thing? You might want to write a post detailing how your SA works, what the thought processes are, and what youd like help with. It could be very usefull for you.

If you want, pm me and I will work with you on reframing your irrational thoughts about how you are not perfect, since I dont have your SA. I have however struggled with feeling bad because of imperfection in my life, and I do relate.

As allways, if anyone is available to talk with me about my irrational "defectiveness", then Id love to work on framing it. Thanks.
 
Phobologist

Phobologist

1
caithead said:
It really is crazy, in retrospect, just how many people have some form of anxiety (even if it isn't the social kind)! You're too kind. :) That's exactly what I'm out to find right now too...regular people who simply can relate to these "quirks"; I'm realizing they're abundant...many people are just able to hide it really well. So you say you've "come a long way" - where would you say you stand right no in the process of slaying the SA demon? :p
Click to expand...

Hahaha, the reason I am on this website is because I wanted to find proof that attractive cool people could have these social problems and mental illnesses. I was floored! Anyway...as for me, Ive gotten better as follows:

1. I no longer believe many of my secrets are so bad. Half of em are no biggy.
2. I believe that there are normal people who will like me, despite my defects.
3. I understand exactly how my SA works (and sa in general).
4. I am not totally convinced I am defective, or ever was.
5. I have been toying with a therapy called "So What?". It could help.
6. I have been learning to control my feelings of rage and depression when I am criticized by being honest about how I am feeling.
7. I know now that hot, cool, people can have SA, panic, OCD, and more.
8. I know that "normal" people can end up like us at any point in their lives.
9. I now doubt that normal people are really as judgmental as I think.
10. I know I need to learn to base my self-worth on other things rather than whether or not I am "loveable".
11. I am feeling that very soon the SA might take a drastic drop. It's intense right now but I think its the work Im doing. Im at the breaking point I hope.

How are you doing? And what is your SA about, if youd like to share?
 
hoddesdon

hoddesdon

Well-known member
Phobologist does not actually use the expression "core belief", but I think that is what he is talking about.
 
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