GabrielG
New member
Hi everyone. I'm a 25 year old guy who suffered from social phobia for all my life except the last 5 months. I remember when I felt hopeless and very depressed - I would have loved to find a post like the one I'm going to make, which is why I'm going to make it.
My problem was that I had general problems talking to people, and I panicked just by thinking of myself at a pub having some drinks with my friends or dancing in a nightclub. I couldn't do it. When we got together with my friends, we had pizzas or whatever, and when they went dancing afterwards, I went to sleep. Even when I WANTED to go have some fun, but I COULDN'T. I'm sure you know the feeling.
I had almost hit rock bottom in the last days of december 2005. I was minutes away of giving up and starting doing therapy. But I didn't, as for myself that would have been equivalent to saying "I can't do this, I'm not strong enough". Instead, here's what I've learned by getting myself out of the hole I was in.
1) Stop thinking that you ARE a social phobic - instead understand that you HAVE social phobia. If you treat it as a part of who you are, a defect of your personality, you may never get rid of it. When you have a cold, you don't think of it as a part of who you are, but as an unpleasant temporary condition you'll get rid of. Do the same with social phobia. That's not who you are, but a problem you currently have.
2) Try to understand why do you have social phobia. In my case, I went to a terrible school where my classmates treated me very badly. I've always been a brilliant guy so I always was #1 of my class without even trying, but my classmates didn't understand that - instead they saw me as a nerd whose purpose in life was to be the teacher's pet, when in reality I always did the least effort possible (and got straight As). I was also a chubby kid, which didn't help. And you know how cruel kids can be. So during this time, the common pattern for me was that the only result of approaching people and trying to be sociable was being mocked of, made fun of, and bullied. This is where I got my huge fear of rejection and other things that persisted until very recently, even considering I've become a good looking guy who is very successful in everything (except social situations).
3) Now that you understand what causes your social phobia, don't blame it and don't use it as an excuse. These traumatic things that happened to you are the very things that made you the person you are today. For me, as a side effect of the rejection and the bullying I suffered, I developed a very strong personality, sort of "I don't care what you think about what I'm doing, I believe it's the right thing to do so I'm doing it anyway". It helped me through high school, when I could have chosen to be "popular" or do the right thing, and I did the right thing. Nowadays I find some of the "popular" guys serving my drinks at a bar, so I believe I made the correct choice. Don't try to pretend the bad things that happened to you never happened - they did happen, they did bad things to you, but they also did good things. You can't know what kind of person you'd be had your life been different.
4) Realize you're wrong. When you are surrounded by people, they aren't looking at you. They aren't judging you. They aren't thinking you look or act stupid. Most likely they don't even notice you. Realize you're not nearly as important as you think you are. In most social situations people are too concerned about how THEY look to really care about you. So get rid of that idea that you're being judged - you're not even being noticed. Even if you did the most stupid thing you could think of, say going to a nightclub, pouring some icecream over your head, and talking like Goofy while doing a handstand, people would laugh at you, wonder what are you doing, and the following day they won't even remember you. So stop being self conscious. BTW, few people are actually good dancers, so people aren't judging you by the way you dance either.
5) This is the hard part. Now you know your fears are irrational and unjustified. Now you know why do you have these stupid thoughts. Now you know the problems you believe you have are a creation of your mind - they don't really exist. So stop hiding and confront your fears! Immerse yourself in the situation you imagine torturing, horrible and unbearable. When I was ready to do this, I waited for the next time my friends went dancing. They asked me if I wanted to go, as they always did, and I always replied "naaah, thanks" - only this time I forced myself to say "OK, let's go". They looked surprised. I was surprised myself. I thought "I'll go and stay there for a while, say an hour, and then go home, just to know I can go to such a place". Say that to yourself. We went dancing. People weren't looking at me. Even my friends, who were surprised that I was there, didn't pay a lot of attention to me. This was my moment of epiphany - being at a nightclub wasn't nearly as frightening, terrifying or horrible as I thought, and in fact, I was kind of enjoying it! I didn't stay for an hour, I was there all night, having a good time.
6) The hard part is over. You did it. You experienced that situation you thought awful, and you not only survived, you may have enjoyed the experience a bit. So keep doing it! You'll notice you're less self conscious every time. I even started drinking alcohol, which was unthinkable for me a while ago. I started with a sip from a friend's glass. I liked it and I didn't die. So next time we went out, I ordered one of these (yes, a whole drink for myself!). Again, I didn't die, nor I got drunk or lost control, which where my terrible fears about this.
7) Your social group will notice your change. Laugh with them. When they say "but you didn't do this last year", just laugh with them and say "no no, you're talking about Gabriel 2005, and he doesn't exist anymore. I'm Gabriel 2006." Realize that what you've just said is actually true - it doesn't matter who or how you used to be last year, all that matters is who you are now. And your new non-social phobic self isn't a role you're reprising, it's not a fake : it's who you are NOW! Congratulations, you're cured; you're a new, better person.
8 ) Keep improving! You've overcome the biggest obstacle, but that doesn't mean you're perfect now. Find out what little problems remain and apply this whole process again, only this time it will be easier, because these are smaller problems, and because you now know you can overcome these problems that only exist on your mind.
I honestly hope this helps people overcome their imaginary barriers. If it sounds too far fetched, I know. If someone told me who I'm now sixth months ago, I wouldn't have believed him. But it is possible. Believe me, you can do it, and you can do it without medications, without therapy, just with your willpower.
My problem was that I had general problems talking to people, and I panicked just by thinking of myself at a pub having some drinks with my friends or dancing in a nightclub. I couldn't do it. When we got together with my friends, we had pizzas or whatever, and when they went dancing afterwards, I went to sleep. Even when I WANTED to go have some fun, but I COULDN'T. I'm sure you know the feeling.
I had almost hit rock bottom in the last days of december 2005. I was minutes away of giving up and starting doing therapy. But I didn't, as for myself that would have been equivalent to saying "I can't do this, I'm not strong enough". Instead, here's what I've learned by getting myself out of the hole I was in.
1) Stop thinking that you ARE a social phobic - instead understand that you HAVE social phobia. If you treat it as a part of who you are, a defect of your personality, you may never get rid of it. When you have a cold, you don't think of it as a part of who you are, but as an unpleasant temporary condition you'll get rid of. Do the same with social phobia. That's not who you are, but a problem you currently have.
2) Try to understand why do you have social phobia. In my case, I went to a terrible school where my classmates treated me very badly. I've always been a brilliant guy so I always was #1 of my class without even trying, but my classmates didn't understand that - instead they saw me as a nerd whose purpose in life was to be the teacher's pet, when in reality I always did the least effort possible (and got straight As). I was also a chubby kid, which didn't help. And you know how cruel kids can be. So during this time, the common pattern for me was that the only result of approaching people and trying to be sociable was being mocked of, made fun of, and bullied. This is where I got my huge fear of rejection and other things that persisted until very recently, even considering I've become a good looking guy who is very successful in everything (except social situations).
3) Now that you understand what causes your social phobia, don't blame it and don't use it as an excuse. These traumatic things that happened to you are the very things that made you the person you are today. For me, as a side effect of the rejection and the bullying I suffered, I developed a very strong personality, sort of "I don't care what you think about what I'm doing, I believe it's the right thing to do so I'm doing it anyway". It helped me through high school, when I could have chosen to be "popular" or do the right thing, and I did the right thing. Nowadays I find some of the "popular" guys serving my drinks at a bar, so I believe I made the correct choice. Don't try to pretend the bad things that happened to you never happened - they did happen, they did bad things to you, but they also did good things. You can't know what kind of person you'd be had your life been different.
4) Realize you're wrong. When you are surrounded by people, they aren't looking at you. They aren't judging you. They aren't thinking you look or act stupid. Most likely they don't even notice you. Realize you're not nearly as important as you think you are. In most social situations people are too concerned about how THEY look to really care about you. So get rid of that idea that you're being judged - you're not even being noticed. Even if you did the most stupid thing you could think of, say going to a nightclub, pouring some icecream over your head, and talking like Goofy while doing a handstand, people would laugh at you, wonder what are you doing, and the following day they won't even remember you. So stop being self conscious. BTW, few people are actually good dancers, so people aren't judging you by the way you dance either.
5) This is the hard part. Now you know your fears are irrational and unjustified. Now you know why do you have these stupid thoughts. Now you know the problems you believe you have are a creation of your mind - they don't really exist. So stop hiding and confront your fears! Immerse yourself in the situation you imagine torturing, horrible and unbearable. When I was ready to do this, I waited for the next time my friends went dancing. They asked me if I wanted to go, as they always did, and I always replied "naaah, thanks" - only this time I forced myself to say "OK, let's go". They looked surprised. I was surprised myself. I thought "I'll go and stay there for a while, say an hour, and then go home, just to know I can go to such a place". Say that to yourself. We went dancing. People weren't looking at me. Even my friends, who were surprised that I was there, didn't pay a lot of attention to me. This was my moment of epiphany - being at a nightclub wasn't nearly as frightening, terrifying or horrible as I thought, and in fact, I was kind of enjoying it! I didn't stay for an hour, I was there all night, having a good time.
6) The hard part is over. You did it. You experienced that situation you thought awful, and you not only survived, you may have enjoyed the experience a bit. So keep doing it! You'll notice you're less self conscious every time. I even started drinking alcohol, which was unthinkable for me a while ago. I started with a sip from a friend's glass. I liked it and I didn't die. So next time we went out, I ordered one of these (yes, a whole drink for myself!). Again, I didn't die, nor I got drunk or lost control, which where my terrible fears about this.
7) Your social group will notice your change. Laugh with them. When they say "but you didn't do this last year", just laugh with them and say "no no, you're talking about Gabriel 2005, and he doesn't exist anymore. I'm Gabriel 2006." Realize that what you've just said is actually true - it doesn't matter who or how you used to be last year, all that matters is who you are now. And your new non-social phobic self isn't a role you're reprising, it's not a fake : it's who you are NOW! Congratulations, you're cured; you're a new, better person.
8 ) Keep improving! You've overcome the biggest obstacle, but that doesn't mean you're perfect now. Find out what little problems remain and apply this whole process again, only this time it will be easier, because these are smaller problems, and because you now know you can overcome these problems that only exist on your mind.
I honestly hope this helps people overcome their imaginary barriers. If it sounds too far fetched, I know. If someone told me who I'm now sixth months ago, I wouldn't have believed him. But it is possible. Believe me, you can do it, and you can do it without medications, without therapy, just with your willpower.
