How do you explain your SA to potential love interests?

[Iseesky]

Particularly, how do you explain to them why your lifestyle is so different than others?

I've been dabbling in online dating lately. I haven't had much luck, but that's mostly just because the entire thing was very overwhelming (lots of messages - good and bad) and nobody really caught my eye. There is/was this one guy that I spoke to, but I kind of psyched myself out simply because of having to explain to him my 'condition.'

I think I'm a catch. :shyness: I'm not really worried about guys getting to know me personally, but I AM really worried about having to explain why, at 23, my life is the way it is. ie pretty uneventful with only 2 real friends...only one of which I see frequently.

Someone that also struggles with a mental health condition would understand, but someone that is 'normal,' might have a bit more difficulty. The fear of being judged and the fear of getting to like someone only for them to run after finding out I spend my weekends watching movies alone is really turning me off dating.

So how do you guys explain your situations to someone you're getting to know romantically? What kinds of reactions have you gotten? When do you bring it up? Do you bring it up by name "I have social anxiety disorder" or do you beat around the bush and say "I'm kind of scared of people and don't like to go out much"? I also worry that I'll just be a burden. While I am doing all I can to improve myself and have been doing really well lately, I require someone with a LOT of patience and understanding! And it's not easy to tell right away if someone fits the bill.

EDIT: I should also mention that I know that I'm young. I know that my life isn't going to be all sorted out at this age. However, people in my age group (ie late teen/twenties) are dating and travelling and pursuing careers and such. Being adventurous basically. Getting to know the world. I'm not doing that. I work. That's about it.

 

[DepravedFurball]

It's probably a lot easier to say it straight up, right at the beginning. The longer that you wait to inform them, the harder it is to get it out, and soon you'll find yourself feeling extremely guilty for making excuses out of fear of being 'judged'.

There's a good side to getting it out while you're building foundations... which is that you can find out simply if they're worthy of your trust. Of course, there's also a caveat to this, which is that the person may use your anxieties against you to rope you into a declining relationship. Hopefully, though, you find a sweet enough partner that they never try something so despicable.

Still, if you're putting yourself out there, then you're bound to meet some really great candidates, and certainly ones that can work with you, encourage you, and make you feel like a fairy-tale princess. The type that live happily ever after, of course. Not the evil ones that get what's coming to them.


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[Odo]

I think if I got the sense that they were open enough to understand, I would be completely honest and expect the best.

I would say it's a lot worse when you don't tell them, they catch you in a situation where you're not handling things so well, and they don't know why you're being so weird. This was a huge issue for me when I didn't understand what was wrong with me... but now I would probably just tell them I was having a hard time and not play games or try to carefully save myself from the anxiety without telling them.

There is no absolutely 'safe' way to date someone... if there were no risks/uncertainty, it would be really boring.

Just be honest, don't take it personally if someone rejects you, and you'll filter out the ****s.

 

[skins]

It's probably a lot easier to say it straight up, right at the beginning. The longer that you wait to inform them, the harder it is to get it out, and soon you'll find yourself feeling extremely guilty for making excuses out of fear of being 'judged'.

There's a good side to getting it out while you're building foundations... which is that you can find out simply if they're worthy of your trust. Of course, there's also a caveat to this, which is that the person may use your anxieties against you to rope you into a declining relationship. Hopefully, though, you find a sweet enough partner that they never try something so despicable.

Still, if you're putting yourself out there, then you're bound to meet some really great candidates, and certainly ones that can work with you, encourage you, and make you feel like a fairy-tale princess. The type that live happily ever after, of course. Not the evil ones that get what's coming to them.


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its half a dozen of one and six of the other I reckon...while its not ideal to be deceatfull at all, I'm of the opinion that if you tell them straight up then what if they dismiss you straight away without getting to know you? say you tell them in the first meet, and they don't know much about the condition and so google the term and then decide its not worth the risk to get involved with someone with such a problem.

whereas if you get to know them for a time and then tell them about it, then they may have time to realise they love you the way you are anyway, and so there is no need to be concerned about the SA. Just IMO

 

[DepravedFurball]

whereas if you get to know them for a time and then tell them about it, then they may have time to realise they love you the way you are anyway, and so there is no need to be concerned about the SA.

Or, flip side of the coin, they could feel tricked/misled and end up feeling bitter about it.

All depends on the person, I guess. Some people just can't fathom dating a non-'normal' person, and others just don't care.

 

[Earthcircle]

Particularly, how do you explain to them why your lifestyle is so different than others?

I've been dabbling in online dating lately. I haven't had much luck, but that's mostly just because the entire thing was very overwhelming (lots of messages - good and bad) and nobody really caught my eye. There is/was this one guy that I spoke to, but I kind of psyched myself out simply because of having to explain to him my 'condition.'

I think I'm a catch. :shyness: I'm not really worried about guys getting to know me personally, but I AM really worried about having to explain why, at 23, my life is the way it is. ie pretty uneventful with only 2 real friends...only one of which I see frequently.

Someone that also struggles with a mental health condition would understand, but someone that is 'normal,' might have a bit more difficulty. The fear of being judged and the fear of getting to like someone only for them to run after finding out I spend my weekends watching movies alone is really turning me off dating.

So how do you guys explain your situations to someone you're getting to know romantically? What kinds of reactions have you gotten? When do you bring it up? Do you bring it up by name "I have social anxiety disorder" or do you beat around the bush and say "I'm kind of scared of people and don't like to go out much"? I also worry that I'll just be a burden. While I am doing all I can to improve myself and have been doing really well lately, I require someone with a LOT of patience and understanding! And it's not easy to tell right away if someone fits the bill.

EDIT: I should also mention that I know that I'm young. I know that my life isn't going to be all sorted out at this age. However, people in my age group (ie late teen/twenties) are dating and travelling and pursuing careers and such. Being adventurous basically. Getting to know the world. I'm not doing that. I work. That's about it.

I have mixed feelings as to whether what you're describing as abnormal really is so abnormal. I am certain that many artists and scientists, those who are obsessively devoted to their work, don't party very often. Maybe once in awhile, but not regularly. Why not tell him that you watch movies on the weekend by yourself, because you're a film buff? The new stuff out in theaters isn't good enough for you, so you focus on the more interesting stuff available on DVD?

 

[Iseesky]

Thanks for your comments, guys! I guess the thing is determining when to tell them. I agree with skins that telling them too soon could scare them off prematurely as 'social phobia disorder' or 'social anxiety' or whatever you want to call it doesn't sound pleasant regardless of whether or not they know what it is. And if they don't know how wonderful a person you are yet, it's not going to be worth it to anyone to stick around and find out. They have no investment in you. But I also agree with depravedfurball that waiting too long before you tell them could leave them feeling misled.
And earthcircle, it may not be that abnormal. It probably isn't. But my perception is that it isn't particularly normal. And I feel like it might not be particularly normal for this guy. Though, he does know I like spending time with close family and friends and that I don't go out much and that I'm quiet. He just doesn't know why. Some people just like spending time by themselves at home just because. Some people fear doing anything else.

 

[Hellhound]

To be a potential love interest, they'd have to have know me for quite some time. I don't go confessing things randomly.

 

[girlinthecorner]

The last time I used a dating site, I wrote on my profile that I was 'a bit antisocial', I put it right at the top of my profile. I don't know if that's the best way, but I felt like I needed to get that out right away. I don't want to wait and waste my time on someone who can't understand. And it's such a huge part of who I am so I'd feel like I'm lying to them.
My mother actually told me recently that I should never tell any guy I date about my issues because I would just scare them away. I don't agree with that. I'd much rather scare them away in the beginning rather than having to pretend to be someone I'm not just so they'd like me.

 

[alxbkr]

Just fake it till you become it