how do i help him open up to me....

[audreyg123]

i met a man that has generalized social anxiety disorder. i like him... i like him alot. he has told me that he likes me and wants to take things slowly going from friends and seeing how it goes. i myself have multiple sclerosis. sometimes i have panic attacks and suffer with anxiety in that everything i do or say i worry about how others will take it. i want to do things right with him because i really believe we were meant to be and he has said he could see that happening but im unsure how to do that appropriately since he has this disorder. i have tried doing searches about the condition and reading through forums, but i decided to join this one in the hopes that someone will be able to give me advice. i have told him that i understand his anxieties towards relationships and after getting to know him more and more i have started to have deeper feelings for him. he told me to just relax and calm down i just dont know how to do that without worrying. i have so many problems of my own, but i try to take deep breathes and calmly look at things from his perspective. i tend to freak out and he will help me calm down but i dont want him to get tired of helping me so i am coming here for help. please help me to understand things from his perspective and do this right. thank you.

 

[madmike]

Maybe you're putting too much pressure on him. It sounds like you're trying too hard to make him comfortable around you, and thus forgetting to feel comfortable yourself.

In my experience, and there really isn't that much of it to be honest, but... people will open up to you if you take the first step. Relax, try to feel comfortable and talk a little about yourself, hopefully it'll make him feel the same way... if not, there's not much else you can really do...

 

[Feathers]

Hi Audrey & Welcome!

I think it's good you learn as much as you can both about his and your own conditions.. sometimes similar things can be cause or effect too.. like magnesium deficiency, google it.. (can cause anxiety/panic attacks or social anxiety too..)
It's probably best to work on your own wellbeing as much as you can.. & yup RELAX.. If it's meant to be it'll happen, if not, you'll meet someone better!!

Maybe reading some old threads here will help you too.. Putting too much pressure on someone with sa can cause them to drift away, so just focus on taking it easy and getting to know each other better etc. Don't jump into anything too intimate too quickly.. Don't always call/wait around or arrange meet-ups, let him miss you a bit and let him initiate things too.. If it's friendship, do stuff that you'd do with other friends too.. maybe it's good that you are friends with other guys too, just getting to know them, talking etc. Do you have any brothers or male relatives? Maybe talking to them or guys on this forum could help too..

What are the things that interest you in life? What makes you happy? Pursue those things - hobbies etc. Are you in any clubs or societies or such? Do you study or work or do any volunteering etc? Don't rely on just 'one guy' to make you happy... Maybe he will, maybe he won't.. it's important you have other friends and good people in your life too, and do things that make you happy.. So he'll see you're having fun and maybe he'll go hey I want to be around too!

I recommend the book The Rules somewhat, for your own calmer mind..
Also, are you working on lifestyle and nutrition changes and such - some things can help for ms and anxiety etc.

 

[audreyg123]

ahh!! thank you both so much! these are awesome answers and exactly what he said. now i get it! at first i just assumed he meant because he wasn't attracted to me, but then he did say that he thought i was beautiful but ive got to "relax" and now i have to go into the hsp for trmnt for my ms and he said just focus on "me" and having an EXTREMELY low self esteem as i do, i assumed he didn't like me anymore and just was trying to get rid of me. now i see what he's been trying to tell me. NOW i get it. thank you both so very much. i will take your advice and do both. i come from a long line of stubborn people we're like a dog with a bone, we don't ever let go ... no matter what.

 

[madmike]

Good luck! The theory is not too complicated, it's putting it into practice.

You may need a small change in mentality, don't put too much emphasis on 'success' or 'failure', if you ended up in a long term relationship and still couldn't open up to him/him to you, would you then be happy? It would probably be totally exhausting. So it doesn't really matter one way or the other, keep trying but not to the extent that you're trying to control the way he feels... it should be a two-way relationship!