Ignored an' unloved. Ma mum doesnae seem tae be interested in talkin' tae me whenever ah attempt tae instigate a conversation. To distracted by tha hypnotic comfort o' tha telly.
So much fur tha "Ah cun change" speech near tha end o' last year.
Why do ah continue tae stay wi' her - it's obvious she doesnae care or love me as much as supposedly says she does. It's f**kin' miserable an' yet ah dinnae huv a choice but tae stay because she "needs me", apparently?
Ah jist cannae be daein wi' this much longer. Ma family so dysfunctional an' fallin' apart. :kickingmyself: How tha f**k um ah still goin' at this point? :idontknow:
^ See aw that, there? That's tha stuff ah dinnae huv tha balls tae say oot loud. Because ma family prefer tae deny their problems exist. An' ah'm tha yin who tha maist highly regarded. Nae clue as tae why, though.
What if they have already left the forum before you have a chance to ask 🙁
Maybe subscribe tae this thread an' the "Post Random Thoughts/Feelings" thread. Normally, if someone's leaving the forum they post in these threads. Or if anyone you want to keep in touch with has their own thread here? Subscribe just to check of any new forum posts, and try asking if you can keep in touch after they post about leaving the forum. Or send a PM and see if they get back to you.
I would prefer to die than to endure this emptiness, this feeling at the pit of my stomach. Its one of the worst feeling. I wonder if I am the only one on earth who feels this. That feeling can't be described in words. No one will understand this. No matter what I say or try to feel this feeling doesn't go away. No one, no friend (those who are my friend or I think they are) will ever know how much effort it takes to live. How much I try to be positive, 'normal'. How much I keep up appearances when I feel so empty and worthless inside. How broken, unloved( I am so ashamed of this, they love me yet I am so incapable of feeling love and give love), I wish this ends, either my life or this pain, the feeling I talk about. If ever I can feel okay, I will be happy. If only this feeling had a word, someone would have understood and told me they understand. Tell me they don't care about my negativity, my worthlessness, they still love me. If only I can say things will be alright but I can't because I know it never will be alright.
I would prefer to die than to endure this emptiness, this feeling at the pit of my stomach. Its one of the worst feeling. I wonder if I am the only one on earth who feels this.
Yer not tha only yin who feels that way, spring. Ah've been feelin' tha same way masel'. Ah know that doesnae really help, beyond knowin' yer not alone, ah guess.
That feeling can't be described in words. No one will understand this. No matter what I say or try to feel this feeling doesn't go away. No one, no friend (those who are my friend or I think they are) will ever know how much effort it takes to live. How much I try to be positive, 'normal'. How much I keep up appearances when I feel so empty and worthless inside. How broken, unloved( I am so ashamed of this, they love me yet I am so incapable of feeling love and give love), I wish this ends, either my life or this pain, the feeling I talk about.
Aye, it's strange tae know people think highly of you or love ye an' yet you don't or can't feel tha same way in return.
If ever I can feel okay, I will be happy. If only this feeling had a word, someone would have understood and told me they understand. Tell me they don't care about my negativity, my worthlessness, they still love me. If only I can say things will be alright but I can't because I know it never will be alright.
Again, ah can relate. Though, fur me, it's tha other way roon. If ah felt happy ah'd be okay. But unfortunately happiness in a unhappy situation is impossible.
Anyway, enough o' ma problems. You gonnae be okay, spring? 🙂
I feel so alone, like i'm the last of my species on a planet i don't belong. I feel hopeless and that i'll never achieve anything. I can feel myself drifting into the awaiting oblivion..... and it hurts.
I feel alright, considering I woke up in a crisis.
I hate it when I'm conscious before the veil of denial comes down. So I just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep, like being a kid and pretending a monster wasn't in the room with me, ha ha.
Cannae sleep. Why does ma brain always become mair alert jist as ah aboot tae settle doon fur the night? :kickingmyself: F**kin' hate that - huvin the internal dialogue wi' yersel'. Lyin' there, wonder tae yersel' why yer such indecisive eejit. Why yer too scared stand yer ground.
Too scared tae tell yer, overbearin', annoyin', demented family whit ye actually think o' them because yin card outta the pyramid deck comes doon. Also, ah dinnae care whit anybuddy says, being the youngest sibling in a family is utter shite! Especially if yer family are egotistically, ungrateful, unsympathetic, dumb eejits.
Why bother trying to make friends in class when the ones who are interested in talking are also the ones who don't show up in an attendance-optional course... ?
Self-conscious... Mainly because ma accent, y'know? Does it really sound funny even when it's written doon?
Also, depressed an' utterly fed-up with being laugh at aw the time, by ma family. Just because ah tend tae be very straightforward an' matter-of-fact when ah answer a question.
Lyin' in ma bed last night ah broke doon in tears because ah suddenly realised that... In a minimum of two sentences ah can express how ah really feel internal. Aw the supressed rage, despair, disappointment an' indifference ah feel. An' they jist laugh because it sounds like ah'm only jokin'. If ah was, ah'd be laughin' as well, but I'm not.
It pisses me off that everytime ah open ma gob, there's anticipatory laughter at what ah'm about tae say... F**k this! :kickingmyself: Ah feel like a shit comedian, y'know? Kinda like Frankie Boyle. :sarcastic:
Ah've tried tae change things but ah'm gittin' naewhere. Always puttin' other folk's needs ahead o' ma own. Doin' stuff for people, an' askin' nuthin' in return. Ah don't know, ah think ah might off masel' by end o' this year. Ah just want the physical an' emotional pain tae bugger off. This empty feelin' inside tae go away. Or, at least, get the people who make me miserable outta ma life. Ye can only put up wi' so much. :sad:
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