You're not worthless. And you're probably more exciting than you give yourself credit for. If you're feeling lonely, then you can always try starting a conversation with someone on here. We're nice enough to not get angry; a lot of us on here could use someone to talk to sometimes.
Thanks for your response. I am making an appointment for outpatient therapy beginning Monday.
We all have expectations, I guess, and having them online is pretty useless.
I am taking my grandson to a Twins game today, but I just feel so incapable.
You are not boring. Well most of us feel that we are boring( there are exceptions of course) , the reason i feel is that we are too harsh on ourselves and lonely.
Yeah being on forum can feel lonely when you want it work for you and fill your loneliness but sadly online people cannot substitute the real life need for companionship.
Hang in there:thumbup: You will feel better.
Thanks, Springk. Being around people doesn't seem to satisfy my loneliness because I feel so inadequate. Not even my own family. When I have to be at too many places in a short amount of time, it just freaks me out. I have to pretend and smile and respond appropriately, when I really want to say, "do you have a gun I can borrow?" People without this disease have no idea how we suffer and it's just hard to be around.
Feeling frustrated and a little betrayed. Just had a fight with my boyfriend about my SA.
He's a good person and always has the best intentions, but he's one of those "just try harder" sorts I'm sure most of us know only too well. It frustrates him because he hates seeing me upset. He wants to make me better. I don't want him to try to fix me; I just want someone to listen and not judge.
The latest installment: he's finally starting to recognize SA as a disorder as opposed to what shy people call their shyness when they want an excuse not to try ("Oh I can't do -insert social activity here- because I have a 'disorder', teehee..."). He still thinks of selective mutism that way.
Problem is now he's under the impression that if I'm not in therapy, I'm not trying hard enough to help myself. Where do I even begin with this? I don't trust therapists: I've been in therapy before and it didn't work. Even if I somehow found a therapist who I knew for sure was better and would be able to help, I still can't afford it alone and to ask my family for funds would exacerbate just one of many situations which feeds directly into my SA. Plus I really don't see the point since the most progress I ever made, I made all by myself. At one point I'd almost deemed my SA completely gone, which was amazing. Unfortunately a series of triggering situations (5 months studying abroad completely alone in a foreign country followed by having judgmental roommates and then moving back in with my family for the summer and remembering exactly why I'd moved out in the first place) have undone a lot of my progress. And that's just life; there are ups and downs. I don't think SA is something you can just cure, but something you can learn to cope with in a healthy way and control by degrees in order to live a happier life. But before I can ever hope to start healing, my living situation needs to change. And hey, guess what? I move out in a week and a half. Change is coming, and I really do believe I can get better again.
I told him I'm making some progress: I go to work and class consistently, don't I? (And it's not like I'm not a bad student either; I have a 4.0 going into my last semester of college.) His response: "Well that's because you have to." What I'd really like is something more along the lines of, "I'm proud of you."
Sorry for the novel. I think this is the only group that could actually understand my frustration. Apparently, to the rest of the world, I'm just not trying hard enough.
A little drunk from some nice Napa Valley chardonnay, but happy. It's a gorgeous summer day filled with possibilities. The air has a bit of smoke filling it from wildfires burning but my dogs are napping soundly. I will not allow a silly negative thought to cloud my mind on my day off. Life IS good.
Feeling exhausted. So, over the last 6 years, I've been enrolled in 5 different schools and everytime, I have to submit a new admissions application, apply for financial aid, register and pay for a new ID card, see an advisor, do vaccinations, etc. So, this is probably the 5th school I'm attending, and all of a sudden, one of my classes is offline (on campus) so I have to pay for vaccination (almost $100) and pay for a new student ID ($15). I also have to pay for parking, which is probably $60-$75. I'm really tired of doing this. It feels like I'm doing the same process again, and it's the 5th time. I realize how much money I wasted, by transferring to different schools and paying for this and that. If I could do it all over again, I would not go to any of those schools, except the one I'm currently at.
I feel hopeless, disillusioned. Like there's this invisible force that's been trying to control my life ever since I got out of high school. Kind of like a guinea pig in an experiment. The scientists control what the guinea pig can do, how other guinea pigs react to it, and even has access to the guinea pig's thoughts. Is a life like this worth living? Sometimes I feel like giving up, like the whole thing doesn't matter anymore. How can the guinea pig escape the scientists? One way is to escape, but that's a fat chance. Another way is death.
Why are there so many people around , world exploding with people who don't care for anyone except themselves and at the most their family, whose Only aim is to produce children and buy stuff and etc etc.
I wish i lived in place where there were less people, some peaceful low population country.
Why are there so many people around , world exploding with people who don't care for anyone except themselves and at the most their family, whose Only aim is to produce children and buy stuff and etc etc.
I wish i lived in place where there were less people, some peaceful low population country.
I hear you there :thumbup:
If you find a place let me know
Ma family still treat me like an effin' child... do ya know how insultin' it is tae huv yer own family condesend tae ya and talk to ya like yer a f**kin' 8 year old, everytime ye open yer mouth tae speak?! F**kin' hell, man... just because ah've huv a physicial disability - cerebral palsy - right, doesnae mean am stupid. It's hard enough huvin' tae live with a family that's not right in the head! Huvin' said aw that, ah realise why ma issues with selective mustims are so obvious. Though, makin' fun o' me because ah "dinnae (don't) talk much" doesnae help matters, either :kickingmyself:
^ Sorry, just somethin' ah don't huv balls tae say out loud tae their faces because ultimately laughter errupts. :oh: But then, ma mum said, recently, that she's waitin' til she on her deathbed before she ever says how she's actually feelin'. Ah couldnae tell whether she was joke or no', since her sarcasm wasnae blatantly obvious. :sad:
Aye! You've got tae make yersel' laugh, sometimes. Life would be pretty f**kin' miserable if ya didn't... Ooops! Probably shouldnae huv said that. :oh: Sorry, Scottish people huv a tendency to tell-it-like-it-is tae some extent. :bigsmile:
I really hate being part if social events. People talk about stupid mess or something I don't know about. Things I don't find interesting at all. Then it's like everyone goes to school. They all know each other so I'm already let behind.
Well as long as I get through training all I need is a car and I don't have to worry about depending in others and hating myself from the lack of social skills.
I feel hopeless, disillusioned. Like there's this invisible force that's been trying to control my life ever since I got out of high school. Kind of like a guinea pig in an experiment. The scientists control what the guinea pig can do, how other guinea pigs react to it, and even has access to the guinea pig's thoughts. Is a life like this worth living? Sometimes I feel like giving up, like the whole thing doesn't matter anymore. How can the guinea pig escape the scientists? One way is to escape, but that's a fat chance. Another way is death.
I'm not going ot judge myself on this, but try to listen to myself as an observer of my thoughts and feelings. So, I stay in a big room a lot. I exercise in it, study in it, have fun in it, etc. Whenever someone like my mom leaves the door open, I hear the radio and started feeling very self-conscious. This is gonna sound weird, but I focus so much attention on my butt. So I try to shift the focus of my attention up there in my brain, to avoid thinking inappropriate thoughts. But as soon as the door closes, I feel a sense of great relief. No focusing on my butt anymore, or being self conscious about it. I was able to be me.
Really distressed. If I have to wait a whole month before I can see a doctor, it's going to be a long month indeed. I hate being poor, hate it hate it hate it.
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