How am I supposed to improve?

[phil91]

My problem is that I can't talk to people. Not because I'm too anxious to say what I want, not because I feel my input isn't important, but because I have nothing to say. Ever. I can't hold a conversation with anyone, not even with things I'm confident about (e.g. what I study at uni) with the people on my course. I really want to improve myself, but how can I do that when I can't even start? When people offer advice, they say I should take "baby steps", by doing small things to slowly improve, but how can I do that if I can't even talk to begin with? It feels like I'm learning to walk without having legs. I need to find a starting point that I can work my way up on, and improve my social skills and self-confidence from that.

It really pisses me off how bad it is. I really try, when in a group of people I think about what I could say, and nothing ever comes to my mind. Eventually I just get anxious, then give up and get angry at myself. I just think "how can someone be so **** at conversation?" Every other shy person I've met is capable of talking when they become comfortable around others, so why can't I? If I can't improve, I'm just going to stay like this forever. I used to think it was just shyness, and that it would go away with age. I'm almost 19 now, and nothing has changed in years. I'm starting to think there's something seriously wrong with me mentally.

 

[206Raider]

Man, I know exactly what you mean I get like this a lot when I'm around enough people and even if I'm just like one on one with people I can't usually keep a conversation longer than 5 minutes becuase I just don't know what to say. People tell me the same thing and I think the same way as you? How can I get better when I can't even start? I have to be intoxicated to be able to be carefree but being a drunk is not something I want to do. Start off by talking to people here, as weird as it may sound everyone typically feels the same and are easy to talk to, even if it's only online it's a step in the right direction I think. It'll get better though see a physciatrist if you aren't already, I just went back and I feel better and I'm doing more, long ways to go but it's possible. Good luck

 

[leafy]

I'm sorry you feel that way, but I can totally understand. Does it matter who the people are? I mean.. if you were with a group of 5 year olds, would it be different? or old people.. for example. I'm not trying to be funny i'm just thinking if it's more to do with the people maybe than you think, and not that you can't find anything to say?

 

[neo]

Well, you're talking to us here, right? And you sound perfectly eloquent and reasonable.
I also had this belief, 'I simply don't have anything to talk about'. Yeah, even with school-related things. It doesn't mean that I was, or that you are 'unnormal'. Maybe you're social skills just aren't developed enough, like was the case with me. Maybe you're simply trying too hard to think of something. You know, like when you forcibly try to relax or fall asleep and it makes it even harder than before. But seeing a (good) therapist is definitely a good idea.

 

[Alyosha]

I have the same problem. I am very critical of my own ideas and the words I use in conversation this makes it difficult for me to relax and flow with the conversation. It is even difficult sometimes for me to post my ideas because I scrutinize every single word.

 

[Diend]

@Alyosha

same with me. Everytime i have to post something technical I have to wiki it, whatever. I'm revising this post too as I write. lol.

@Thread starter

Don't feel like you have to make your convos long. There is no "competition" between you and others. Even if you want to be like them, you should not do something just because of them. Please keep an open mind and be happy. I'm sure you have things they haven't got.

 

[scrumblebee]

Somewhat related, when you want to talk about something in particular do you find that explaining the context needed for what you want to talk about isn't worth the hassle (they probably don't care enough)? Example, if I want to talk about something that happened in my day, if it's something that involves more than about 5 seconds of explanation prior to what happened I feel like it's not even worth saying anything, even to friends and family.

 

[Array]

Believe me i was alot like you a couple months ago! I started watching other people have conversations and writing the pattern down and reading up on it anyway here are some tips..

A good conservationist is actually not someone that has alot to say at all. Its quite the opposite. Learn how to ask open ended questions about the person your talking to and they will do all the rest. Most the time they will give you things to talk about you just need to get them talking.
People love to talk about themselves!

Open ended questions are questions that require more then a word to answer more like a couple sentences.



Instead of asking if they had a good day ask what part they liked about the day

Ask them how they know your friend... i get asked that a lot at my friends parties surprisingly

Ask them what they do for a job
They will just give u a title then ask them what it actually consists of..
Ask them what they really want a job doing..

Write down some questions you want to ask! Make them generic and practice using them and seeing what happens. If you can't think of any try and eavesdrop on a conversation and steal the ones you like!

Just keep building it up from there and soon enough it will start to flow and you will have alot of things to keep them talking!

 

[chained]

this happens to me a lot.. it could be that u are thinking of the perfect thing to say.. so u push away, subconciously every other thought...I'd recommend a therapist

 

[phil91]

I can't see a therapist because:
- I'm registered with the GP's back at home which is over an hour away.
- I don't even know where the doctor's is and have no car to drive myself there, so I'd have to ask my parents for a lift, and they would want to know why.
- I wouldn't know how to explain my problem to the doctor. What would I say: "hi, I can't talk to people so i'll be needing some xanax and a shrink, ta."?
- Talking to someone about my social anxiety/whatever is wrong with me sounds so boring, embarrasing, and draining.

 

[phil91]

Somewhat related, when you want to talk about something in particular do you find that explaining the context needed for what you want to talk about isn't worth the hassle (they probably don't care enough)? Example, if I want to talk about something that happened in my day, if it's something that involves more than about 5 seconds of explanation prior to what happened I feel like it's not even worth saying anything, even to friends and family.

Yeah. But tbh on the rare occasion I have a story to tell I think that they won't be interested in what i have to say, or convince myself I can't be bothered to open my mouth. So I end up saying nothing.

 

[phil91]

Believe me i was alot like you a couple months ago! I started watching other people have conversations and writing the pattern down and reading up on it anyway here are some tips..

A good conservationist is actually not someone that has alot to say at all. Its quite the opposite. Learn how to ask open ended questions about the person your talking to and they will do all the rest. Most the time they will give you things to talk about you just need to get them talking.
People love to talk about themselves!

Open ended questions are questions that require more then a word to answer more like a couple sentences.



Instead of asking if they had a good day ask what part they liked about the day

Ask them how they know your friend... i get asked that a lot at my friends parties surprisingly

Ask them what they do for a job
They will just give u a title then ask them what it actually consists of..
Ask them what they really want a job doing..

Write down some questions you want to ask! Make them generic and practice using them and seeing what happens. If you can't think of any try and eavesdrop on a conversation and steal the ones you like!

Just keep building it up from there and soon enough it will start to flow and you will have alot of things to keep them talking!

From what I've seen, a lot of conversation revolves around telling stories about previous events e.g. "oh yeah, I know a guy who ..." "that reminds me of when I ..." etc. I spent most of my teen years indoors with nothing happening, so I have no stories to tell.

With the "open ended questions" thing, I find that I don't actually care about the other person that much like what their job is like, what they did today. I don't know if that's unusual, but I find most peoples lives uninteresting unless I can relate to it in some way. I don't think I could maintain a conversation with so little entheusiasm, even if I had the social skills. Is this weird?

 

[Shift]

I have the same problem... I always feel like I have nothing to say.

I'm going to therapy now, but we haven't really started talking about how to have a conversation or what to talk to other people about. But if I do learn something useful, I'll let you know.

 

[totoro]

My problem is that I can't talk to people. Not because I'm too anxious to say what I want, not because I feel my input isn't important, but because I have nothing to say. Ever. I can't hold a conversation with anyone, not even with things I'm confident about (e.g. what I study at uni) with the people on my course. I really want to improve myself, but how can I do that when I can't even start? When people offer advice, they say I should take "baby steps", by doing small things to slowly improve, but how can I do that if I can't even talk to begin with? It feels like I'm learning to walk without having legs. I need to find a starting point that I can work my way up on, and improve my social skills and self-confidence from that.

It really pisses me off how bad it is. I really try, when in a group of people I think about what I could say, and nothing ever comes to my mind. Eventually I just get anxious, then give up and get angry at myself. I just think "how can someone be so **** at conversation?" Every other shy person I've met is capable of talking when they become comfortable around others, so why can't I? If I can't improve, I'm just going to stay like this forever. I used to think it was just shyness, and that it would go away with age. I'm almost 19 now, and nothing has changed in years. I'm starting to think there's something seriously wrong with me mentally.

That describes how I feel to a tee. Why can't things come naturally to me during a conversation like it does for so many people I know? I'm ok with my family but with peers or groups my mind is completely blank and I have nothing to contribute.

The frustrating thing is I don't know how to go about improving this particular problem! I thought going out would help as I have more exposure to social situations and people in general but little has changed.