marlesgor76
New member
Hi everyone i am mark 35
I am from the uk it's 6.16am and i have been up all night.
this happens every few days now,i have been off work 2 months as it was becoming to much to cope with,my job involves lots of people interaction and the voice in my head just kept going all day everyday i woulds sweat and worry and be tense all day all the while making out like i was ok,v v tiring,work colleagues said my spark had gone.
i don't know what to do,my partner does not understand so i try and hide my thoughts from them,suicide fills my mind a lot esp when i am faced with something.
i feel ugly,i hate this body n face,often when i fancy someone it's like i want to be them and have the good life thay have and not mine anything but mine,i think of living others lives
last week i had a massive attack in the car outside someones house we know,it wass all to do with my partners frustration but i took it as usaul as criticism.judging and screamed in the st and wanted to walk under a car.
i was diagnosed with s.a.d. in may and have struggled ever since to make sense of it,am i mad,i have such bad thoughts sometimes about the world,like i don't belong.
i know i have had it on and off for 20 odd yrs,hen i toldd my m um nsisters they laughed it offso ilearnt how to deal with it by being funny so people would never ever tell,how can a happy person be sad,that way no one could see my anxious manner,i remebered the other day how awkward i felt buying records when i was 13 in 1989 as if someone might look and know what i liked could see in my head,judging me in the shop,knowing what i was about
i get panic attacks usually when i am being introduced to stangers,i also don't do eye contact,i hate authority and tend to belittle it to show it does not bother me when it cripples my ability to act normal,i have seversal run ins with authoity at work often charactwerised by tears n shouting,v unprofessional but i cannot help it,then the cycle begins again
i feel as if i have been acting for yrs and now just have had enough,i am not too bad in the house but once i go out i have all the fears/feelings
i also feel and felt in the past that my life is being recorded filmed etc,my partner doesn't get it.
i want to get better but the critical voice in my head makes me feel worthless,i have a big problem with men str8 n gay and feel they r judging me on my manliness,sometimes i feel 15 and that i never moved on or grwon up,i avoid anything i might be responsible for so if it goes wrong i can't be judged or blamed,i have a fear of going to jail,my mother was v overprotective with me but not my 2 sisters.
this is an intro to me and i could write 20 years worth of stories.
i have 0 frinds and have never had any close ones,mainly work aquaintences,i try to avoid social gatherings as i have got older but do push myself out of fear of my thoughts coming out to all the people i know,i cannot stand the self grooming and the worrying about being out,though i have done it
basically i have had enough,i don't cry as much but am a gr8 one at hiding stuff i taught myself that yrs ago,i don't want any1 to know the real me or i will be rejected,sometimes i act loud to overcome my restless mind as i am talking my mind is criticising and it is hard to tell people cos they think well i feel like that sometimes well i do feel like that the majority of the time except my mum,sis and partner and my inlaws
thanks and hello again i am glad i found this website.
I am from the uk it's 6.16am and i have been up all night.
this happens every few days now,i have been off work 2 months as it was becoming to much to cope with,my job involves lots of people interaction and the voice in my head just kept going all day everyday i woulds sweat and worry and be tense all day all the while making out like i was ok,v v tiring,work colleagues said my spark had gone.
i don't know what to do,my partner does not understand so i try and hide my thoughts from them,suicide fills my mind a lot esp when i am faced with something.
i feel ugly,i hate this body n face,often when i fancy someone it's like i want to be them and have the good life thay have and not mine anything but mine,i think of living others lives
last week i had a massive attack in the car outside someones house we know,it wass all to do with my partners frustration but i took it as usaul as criticism.judging and screamed in the st and wanted to walk under a car.
i was diagnosed with s.a.d. in may and have struggled ever since to make sense of it,am i mad,i have such bad thoughts sometimes about the world,like i don't belong.
i know i have had it on and off for 20 odd yrs,hen i toldd my m um nsisters they laughed it offso ilearnt how to deal with it by being funny so people would never ever tell,how can a happy person be sad,that way no one could see my anxious manner,i remebered the other day how awkward i felt buying records when i was 13 in 1989 as if someone might look and know what i liked could see in my head,judging me in the shop,knowing what i was about
i get panic attacks usually when i am being introduced to stangers,i also don't do eye contact,i hate authority and tend to belittle it to show it does not bother me when it cripples my ability to act normal,i have seversal run ins with authoity at work often charactwerised by tears n shouting,v unprofessional but i cannot help it,then the cycle begins again
i feel as if i have been acting for yrs and now just have had enough,i am not too bad in the house but once i go out i have all the fears/feelings
i also feel and felt in the past that my life is being recorded filmed etc,my partner doesn't get it.
i want to get better but the critical voice in my head makes me feel worthless,i have a big problem with men str8 n gay and feel they r judging me on my manliness,sometimes i feel 15 and that i never moved on or grwon up,i avoid anything i might be responsible for so if it goes wrong i can't be judged or blamed,i have a fear of going to jail,my mother was v overprotective with me but not my 2 sisters.
this is an intro to me and i could write 20 years worth of stories.
i have 0 frinds and have never had any close ones,mainly work aquaintences,i try to avoid social gatherings as i have got older but do push myself out of fear of my thoughts coming out to all the people i know,i cannot stand the self grooming and the worrying about being out,though i have done it
basically i have had enough,i don't cry as much but am a gr8 one at hiding stuff i taught myself that yrs ago,i don't want any1 to know the real me or i will be rejected,sometimes i act loud to overcome my restless mind as i am talking my mind is criticising and it is hard to tell people cos they think well i feel like that sometimes well i do feel like that the majority of the time except my mum,sis and partner and my inlaws
thanks and hello again i am glad i found this website.
