Hi this is my story

Hi, I'm new here, and this is my story. So I'm 23 this year, and I've been dealing with social anxiety for a long time mostly because of what I've been through in my life. I'm born with mild autism, so it's already hard for me to make friends with people. I was bullied since I was 4 and it lasted till i was 17. Even those 'friends' i had laugh at me and only talk to me out of pity or they want something from me. But its not that bad, along with the way I've met real people who really treat me as a real friend and thought me things. Sadly though, I don't meet them often and even though we are friends, i just don't feel attach to them because we don't have much in common so normally i don't have much topic to talk about which makes me feel apart from them. There are people I've met that i got very attached and close with and those dont go well in the end, it always end up in a arguement and we go our seperate ways, which made me drift apart from people even more each time it happens. Either than that , im just socially awkward among people in school or work and i have to force myself to be nice to fake people as a habbit because there are times i will need their help, though in the long run its really tiring.

I'm studying in a private university now as a freshman , before that i was working full time at a service desk for 2 years and got retrenched which is why im studying now. Even at work it was also a challenge to deal with and sometimes i break down because of it . Ive met alot of fake people , its very normal how people only look for me if they want something and never because they want to be my friend.But my collegues not only smile in front of me , they backsteb me saying nasty things behind my back and even making fun of me. One time they even irritated me by putting a dildo in my bag and even when i throw it away they will pick it up and put it in again. I kept quiet about it and just pretend it didnt happen because its embarasing to tell the boss about it and i was leaving the company eventually anyway also i have no proof it belongs to them.

So anyway i cope with all this by living my life as a introvert . I stay at home all day playing video games or watching anime to pass time .Ocassionally i will go out and meet my friends to hang out. But most of the time im at home in my room, as for my family i have 2 brothers and 1 sister who i dont talk with. My family are strangers , my brother and sister are in their own room and we just dont talk well besides my mum its just awkward so yeah.

But anyway , well . this is pretty much my story how ive been living , im not suicidal, heck no way im not going to let those people who brought me down win.. but i would like more friends to talk with. And well i guess what i desire most is love, a relationship which is almost impossible for me.