Man_on_the_Moon
Member
Hi everyone
I've been browsing this forum for some time now even though I am not highly active. That is because the amount of posts can often overwhelms me.
I did already write something in a long introduction thread but I felt I wanted to write another, more personal message here.
My avoidant personality disorder / borderline was diagnosed last year. The borderline bit is something I don't really see in myself but the APD is spot on.
I currently have no job and therefore spend a lot of time at home. The bitter irony of that is that I feel safer and more relaxed at home but being home a lot also raises other issues. Being at home a lot just alienates me even more from the outside world. And I lose touch with 'reality.' Not that I am paranoid in that way, but when you keep away from all the social stuff and have no job you do tend to lose touch with how to be a good functioning cogwheel in that big society. And I had a seriously hard time with that anyway because of the social anxiety.
The thing is that it mostly keeps me from going out to find work, it keeps me from socializing. I am afraid of rejection, but also afraid that they'll actually say yes and that there will be expectations. My chronic lack of confidence seeps into everything I do - or try to do. And that often makes me behave peculiar from what I heard from - and observed in - others.
Last month I finally gathered the guts to call the welfare people and officially call in sick. It´s not that I don't want to work! But I've ignored and dismissed my problems for years. Last year - when I still had a job - I decided to take that step and go (back) to a psychologist. They tested me and APD was among the conclusions after a few months. Therapy is starting soon in April. I´ll have to go to therapy 2 times a week for at least half a year. As you can probably understand that makes applying for full time jobs quite hard if not impossible.
I am still waiting for an invitation from the welfare people so that I can talk to one of their doctors. In the meantime I can't help but feel bad about being at home. I am not a lazy person, I am not a bad person. But I feel bad anyway. "I need a job, I need money, I need that higher social status " are feelings that consume me sometimes.
But fact is that I need to deal with my problems. I feel happy that therapy is about to start. I feel proud to have had the guts to go see a psychologist and to have told the welfare people about my situation. I just wish I would stop feeling so bad about not having a job or having the strength to find one
I've been browsing this forum for some time now even though I am not highly active. That is because the amount of posts can often overwhelms me.
I did already write something in a long introduction thread but I felt I wanted to write another, more personal message here.
My avoidant personality disorder / borderline was diagnosed last year. The borderline bit is something I don't really see in myself but the APD is spot on.
I currently have no job and therefore spend a lot of time at home. The bitter irony of that is that I feel safer and more relaxed at home but being home a lot also raises other issues. Being at home a lot just alienates me even more from the outside world. And I lose touch with 'reality.' Not that I am paranoid in that way, but when you keep away from all the social stuff and have no job you do tend to lose touch with how to be a good functioning cogwheel in that big society. And I had a seriously hard time with that anyway because of the social anxiety.
The thing is that it mostly keeps me from going out to find work, it keeps me from socializing. I am afraid of rejection, but also afraid that they'll actually say yes and that there will be expectations. My chronic lack of confidence seeps into everything I do - or try to do. And that often makes me behave peculiar from what I heard from - and observed in - others.
Last month I finally gathered the guts to call the welfare people and officially call in sick. It´s not that I don't want to work! But I've ignored and dismissed my problems for years. Last year - when I still had a job - I decided to take that step and go (back) to a psychologist. They tested me and APD was among the conclusions after a few months. Therapy is starting soon in April. I´ll have to go to therapy 2 times a week for at least half a year. As you can probably understand that makes applying for full time jobs quite hard if not impossible.
I am still waiting for an invitation from the welfare people so that I can talk to one of their doctors. In the meantime I can't help but feel bad about being at home. I am not a lazy person, I am not a bad person. But I feel bad anyway. "I need a job, I need money, I need that higher social status " are feelings that consume me sometimes.
But fact is that I need to deal with my problems. I feel happy that therapy is about to start. I feel proud to have had the guts to go see a psychologist and to have told the welfare people about my situation. I just wish I would stop feeling so bad about not having a job or having the strength to find one
