Shant
Well-known member
Hello... I'm bad at introductions among many other things. 
After a while of trying to figure it out by myself, I kinda give up. I can't figure out a few things regarding social anxiety. Social anxiety has generally been brought up, Avoidant personality disorder was brought up once, and with exception to a few traits that don't match at all, I consider that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I have no clue at this point. So... I'll planned to see if I can find some answers and help here.
I do know I have some hindrance with social issues, for several years. The Asperger's Syndrome plays into how when I was a child I was socially clumsy, didn't "get" all the cues, and didn't know how to react (which plays in to AS), but overall I was pretty talkative and extroverted (which doesn't play into AS). Things got worse over the years (bullying, possible forms of abuse, you know - "the usual", isn't really worth getting into), and so any extroversion, in due time, became introversion and I became more withdrawing from society, secluding myself away from others. I didn't really end up leaving the house much, because I never really had enough friends nor much of a reason to, and when other factors came into play regarding my parents, I didn't like to be around them anymore and so my room kinda became a bit of a "cave", I admit, to lock myself away from the world, and depression ensued.
At some point while still enrolled in school, it was necessary to know how to ask the cashier or lunch lady what I want (or numerous other scenarios where I would need to talk) It was terrifying, but eventually I got better at it; I can ask someone if I need something, I can relatively keep a conversation going, etc...
but I feel like the momentum stopped and I hit a wall. I've done much to get better and better at social situations again, and I've been on anxiety medication (still am, just slightly); and while I have made improvements, I feel like I reached that limit; or that wall, barrier, etc... a point at which I can't get any better. I improved over a few years, but the past few years I have no less social involvement (I'm not a social butterfly taking every opportunity, but still... I do things outside the house) and I'm not noticing improvement anymore. I'm stuck at the stage where I may be able to talk well to others, but it's just so uncomfortable (somewhat physically?) and difficult; I can do it, but it hurts to do so. And it wears me down. Starting my first year of college/university this year, I have gotten nowhere beyond the "name" stage; heck, I still don't remember a few of their names. And I feel consistently "avoidant" towards others. My lack of eye contact in specific. Person who sits next to me in class just walked in through the door? I'll just sort of adjust my chair... slightly the opposite direction.
And there's this ever-present duality; I want to be away from the difficulty of socializing. It's like carrying a 25 pound brick everywhere, when everyone else just carries a feather. I can do it; but it's over-exhausting and no fun doing it all day. So yeah, I want to be free from that. But to be out there, it's either the brick or the feather. I want to be out there, but I don't want the brick! Whenever I seclude myself, it isn't too long before I start the depressed thought-process where I feel lonely and it's all my fault for pushing everyone away and retreating. I want to be alone because of that social pain, but it's either pain or loneliness; which both suck, why can't I seem to be like everyone else and have neither?
And... I can't even figure out what the overall problem is. What to call this, is there any possible way to get better at it that I haven't yet tried, etc...
Sorry for the long post... :: I also tend to over-do things.
And something worth putting in an intro... I'm obsessed with music and that's the thing that's keeping me alive. ::
So umm... hello, I guess.
After a while of trying to figure it out by myself, I kinda give up. I can't figure out a few things regarding social anxiety. Social anxiety has generally been brought up, Avoidant personality disorder was brought up once, and with exception to a few traits that don't match at all, I consider that I have Asperger's Syndrome. I have no clue at this point. So... I'll planned to see if I can find some answers and help here.
I do know I have some hindrance with social issues, for several years. The Asperger's Syndrome plays into how when I was a child I was socially clumsy, didn't "get" all the cues, and didn't know how to react (which plays in to AS), but overall I was pretty talkative and extroverted (which doesn't play into AS). Things got worse over the years (bullying, possible forms of abuse, you know - "the usual", isn't really worth getting into), and so any extroversion, in due time, became introversion and I became more withdrawing from society, secluding myself away from others. I didn't really end up leaving the house much, because I never really had enough friends nor much of a reason to, and when other factors came into play regarding my parents, I didn't like to be around them anymore and so my room kinda became a bit of a "cave", I admit, to lock myself away from the world, and depression ensued.
At some point while still enrolled in school, it was necessary to know how to ask the cashier or lunch lady what I want (or numerous other scenarios where I would need to talk) It was terrifying, but eventually I got better at it; I can ask someone if I need something, I can relatively keep a conversation going, etc...
but I feel like the momentum stopped and I hit a wall. I've done much to get better and better at social situations again, and I've been on anxiety medication (still am, just slightly); and while I have made improvements, I feel like I reached that limit; or that wall, barrier, etc... a point at which I can't get any better. I improved over a few years, but the past few years I have no less social involvement (I'm not a social butterfly taking every opportunity, but still... I do things outside the house) and I'm not noticing improvement anymore. I'm stuck at the stage where I may be able to talk well to others, but it's just so uncomfortable (somewhat physically?) and difficult; I can do it, but it hurts to do so. And it wears me down. Starting my first year of college/university this year, I have gotten nowhere beyond the "name" stage; heck, I still don't remember a few of their names. And I feel consistently "avoidant" towards others. My lack of eye contact in specific. Person who sits next to me in class just walked in through the door? I'll just sort of adjust my chair... slightly the opposite direction.
And there's this ever-present duality; I want to be away from the difficulty of socializing. It's like carrying a 25 pound brick everywhere, when everyone else just carries a feather. I can do it; but it's over-exhausting and no fun doing it all day. So yeah, I want to be free from that. But to be out there, it's either the brick or the feather. I want to be out there, but I don't want the brick! Whenever I seclude myself, it isn't too long before I start the depressed thought-process where I feel lonely and it's all my fault for pushing everyone away and retreating. I want to be alone because of that social pain, but it's either pain or loneliness; which both suck, why can't I seem to be like everyone else and have neither?
And... I can't even figure out what the overall problem is. What to call this, is there any possible way to get better at it that I haven't yet tried, etc...
Sorry for the long post... :
: I also tend to over-do things.And something worth putting in an intro... I'm obsessed with music and that's the thing that's keeping me alive. :
:So umm... hello, I guess.
