help me can't get out of the darkness

[Clown]

Sorry about this long depressed rant and probably will feel guilt and shame
Like I always do when typing here something stupid .. but need to get this of my chest and see how your attitude your viewpoint is.

For years since the anxiety started I always have some sort of depression.
at age 12-13 it all started to collapse and the anxiety started and got very very
depressed in how such mess turned into an nervous wreck...
I was literally laying down in me bed for months and just wanted to die...
Then I turned 14 and 15 and so on things were also bad and wanted to die but the severe depression was going away... and now the last years the depression is coming back ... I mean I always have been sort what down and suicidal thoughts.... but now the last years like when I was 12-13 I feel like there is no option left then to die.

And I seriously don't want to die , I just want live a normal life again and think normal again ... almost everyday feels like a burden and I don't see my self living like this forever ... everything is falling apart school work, family friends..
I can probably work with the socialphobia alone ... but the gad muscle tension is making me want to cut my muscles its that tensed everytime at work/school and in that sense makes the socialphobia also worse.

its got to the point yesterday I was half drunk crying and depressed researching how to end my life in the most painless and quik method.
It litterally scared me to death I was planning such thing.. and my mind is now somewhat back in control...

but the suicidal thoughts have Like I said be going on for 7 years on/off its has become an addiction.

im gonna start anti-depressants hopefully they will give me peace of mind.

You know I know its not the situation but your attitude how you see the situation .. and right now its not very realistic one ...

Sooo sorry for the long rant but my main question is : How do you try to change your thought pattern while everything seems ****ed up in the in and outside of your life ??

 

[The Observer]

Well its kinda hard to offer sound advice when you didn't give us a reason as to why and what it is that is f****d up in your life. You could consider seeking some sort of counseling if its really bad. As for things that are outside your family or control, that's easy...what business is it of yours? None, so why even entertan how f****d up things are outside of your control? You cant do anything to change them so why bother thinking about them.

 

[montejocarlo]

if it's really that bad, i suggest you seek professional help. as to your question, if your thoughts are wearing you down, shut them up altogether. try doing meditation. it's a rewarding thing to do.

 

[montejocarlo]

...and if you need to talk, feel free to leave me a message. i'll do my best to listen.

 

[Clown]

its just, the gad & sa combined makes it almost nearly impossible to work or go to school
in a few months I start again but I see almost 80 % I will fail again because of this
and a 100% chance I get depressed because of it I don't anxious in mind , but the gad is making an toll my body.. muscle tension is so worse in my face and neck and shoulders that I think everyone can sees it ... I get paranoid thoughts that people know what im thinking etc. etc. its hards to explain and and I can talk to a pyschologist about it etc. but they wont take my problem away.

and the other side is , I really really badly want to feel normal again like I used to be ..
but I know I will never be and feel normal again I crave for it ... I need to let it go .. but I just can't

I also always feel guilt and shame when I say something , while at the moment I don''t feel it.... but when Im home alone I always start to worry about what I said to people and how I said it
It can last for days,, even just on msn ... then I avoid people but then I feel depressed

 

[The Observer]

You really dont understand how powerful your own mind is. By consistently saying negative things like this "I know I will never be and feel normal again" "I need to let it go .. but I just can't" your telling yourself you will never get better and because your mind is ALWAYS listening to what your telling it/thinking it will act accordingly. Change your thoughts and you will see the difference.

 

[bcsr]

You really dont understand how powerful your own mind is. By consistently saying negative things like this "I know I will never be and feel normal again" "I need to let it go .. but I just can't" your telling yourself you will never get better and because your mind is ALWAYS listening to what your telling it/thinking it will act accordingly. Change your thoughts and you will see the difference.

Basically this. There's nothing automatic about anxiety, it's a learned behavior. Which is good, because that means you can alter it.
If it's that bad, definitely get some therapy. Pills are ok for temporary relief, but they aren't something I would recommend long-term.

 

[Clown]

They really should teach these kind of things to kids.
If I had cbt at early age before the anxiety even just some basic cbt how to think positive
I think my anxiety depression wouldn't even started...
While they want to prevent it , its so easy to prevent just changes your thoughs and teach meditation to relax and it will
never reach a stage of an anxiety disorder or depression which has no turning back only easing it.
but probably they don't care this world is sick with less people having problems = less money.. they rather prevent so-called real ilnesses all on the tv
and if you have anxiety and depression you just labeld as weak and crazy and proabably will laugh no attention whatsover

 

[montejocarlo]

They really should teach these kind of things to kids.
If I had cbt at early age before the anxiety even just some basic cbt how to think positive
I think my anxiety depression wouldn't even started...
While they want to prevent it , its so easy to prevent just changes your thoughs and teach meditation to relax and it will
never reach a stage of an anxiety disorder or depression which has no turning back only easing it.
but probably they don't care this world is sick with less people having problems = less money.. they rather prevent so-called real ilnesses all on the tv
and if you have anxiety and depression you just labeld as weak and crazy and proabably will laugh no attention whatsover

sad, but true. people don't usually care about something that doesn't affect them. but we can't live forever blaming them. if they can't help us, we should do it on our own. it's never too late. we can always start somewhere.

 

[theslowesthand]

Anxiety and depression ARE "real illnesses", but its taking the world a while to "grasp" this fact.

Medication (eg antidepressants) can be helpful, and can be taken for a short time, or a long time, but they aren't the "cure", as they only address the SYMPTOMS of these things, not the root causes .. and one of the main root causes is "neuroses" (negative self-talk, irrational beliefs, etc). But when things are "urgent", they can help one to function adequately enough, so that they can (or should) start trying to attack the root causes of the illness.

 

[sillyrabbit231]

Hi I'm also having depression. I wish I can tell it to my parents but they might think I'm crazy or something. I've been depressed for a few years now and I can't feel better for anything I can smile and be happy but it's all fake.

 

[freestylemonster]

I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel the same way. I think you need a hobby - one that requires exercise and can trigger your brain to release endorphins. After a karate class, or a day of snowboarding, or a few hours of mountain biking, I always feel "high on life".

Physical activity really helps with depression. Hang in there!