Can't believe this forums exists. Makes me feel a bit more normal; not in a bad way. It's just that it's good to know that there are others out there who share the same plight as i do that are willing to help each other out for the same cause. I guess I should introduce myself and the messed up life I've been living for a while now.
Growing up I was a REALLY friendly guy; the go to guy; Smart, not bad looking, funny, and easy to get along with. I was always the leader of the group. Girls weren't a problem either. I was to put it simply in a way popular. I was also a conceited cocky prick (not the kind that looks down on people. I was just overly confident) and I admit it.
Then came that day. It was the day that would change my life; I was 15. You know when you know you were okay one day and just like that you know there's something wrong when you wake up? I didn't know what it was back then but It didn't really affect me. I just let it slide and paid no attention cause everyone around me doesn't seem to say anything about it.
Then we went immigrated to Canada; I was 17. First couple of years in this country proved to be very hard for me. I had to start over, add that to the fact that I was in a way culture shocked.
I started becoming quiet. It's not that people don't talk to me or approach me. I just... didn't like to talk as much anymore. I think people saw that as being anti-social. Well I was. The "sickness" I caught when I was 15 started to catch up with me and this time it was getting more and more obvious to the point that people notice. People started giving me odd looks which I didn't like as if I wasn't doing anything to try and remedy it. I was getting paranoid.
I was still hanging in there though. Made some friends and just when I was getting better and getting back on track and becoming my old self again, college came.
I now realized that I wasn't really good with change; change as in change in setting, I wasn't really good at adapting. I went back to my quiet state. This time though, it was met with aggressiveness where I was constantly teased; not always directly but you know it was you who they are referring to. I paid no attention to those name callings cause I thought it was childish and it wasn't true. I'm not gay at the slightest so I wasn't affected at all. In fact in my head, they just want to use that to avoid taking on what's more evident which is my sickness. I actually thought that was nice of them cause at that point I was a bit sensitive to it. (Look up Trimethylaminuria)
Six months into college I was getting annoyed at the almost constant teasing. The thing about me is that I wasn't really a patient person. Not patient in terms of those kinds of childish accusations. I thought that the "homo" teasing wasn't really affecting me but I was wrong cause over time, I was getting paranoid to the point that everywhere I go I would think that people is thinking I am gay it frustrated the hell out of me. So by that time I had my "sickness" and this paranoia to deal with. Just use your imagination. So that's the end of my first college. I was expelled.
Over time it got worse. I can't look at people's eyes anymore. I felt ashamed of something I was not. I also had to deal with my disorder. I became religious which was just the help I needed. It strengthened me; I was 20. That was the start of me getting a hold of the reigns again. Church life is both a blessing and a curse. Church people as you may know are MUCH MORE judgmental than other people.
Fast forward to today; I'm 23. I am doing A LOT better now. I am much more confident. My sickness doesn't affect me that much anymore. I still have this feeling that people think I'm gay every once in a while but It doesn't really affect me as a person. The only hard part right now is making friends cause people just don't understand my disorder. But I'm a way better person than before. If someone says something bad I know that it's because they don't know about it nor do they understand. I still have quiet episodes where I just don't want to talk.
But I'm not going to lie. It still bothers me that people think I'm gay. That every once in a while I can't look at a person's eyes without feeling awkward or the urge to look away. When I do have eye-to-eye contact sometimes I feel like laughing even though the conversation is serious. Even with my Ex but that was different cause she knows everything about me.
I don't need to prove anything to people so I just let them do what they want as long as it doesn't cause me harm. But damn how I wish it was easy to get along with people. I still have "shy" tendencies but hanging in there.
Sorry for the long novel hehe. Just happy to have found this site is all.
Growing up I was a REALLY friendly guy; the go to guy; Smart, not bad looking, funny, and easy to get along with. I was always the leader of the group. Girls weren't a problem either. I was to put it simply in a way popular. I was also a conceited cocky prick (not the kind that looks down on people. I was just overly confident) and I admit it.
Then came that day. It was the day that would change my life; I was 15. You know when you know you were okay one day and just like that you know there's something wrong when you wake up? I didn't know what it was back then but It didn't really affect me. I just let it slide and paid no attention cause everyone around me doesn't seem to say anything about it.
Then we went immigrated to Canada; I was 17. First couple of years in this country proved to be very hard for me. I had to start over, add that to the fact that I was in a way culture shocked.
I started becoming quiet. It's not that people don't talk to me or approach me. I just... didn't like to talk as much anymore. I think people saw that as being anti-social. Well I was. The "sickness" I caught when I was 15 started to catch up with me and this time it was getting more and more obvious to the point that people notice. People started giving me odd looks which I didn't like as if I wasn't doing anything to try and remedy it. I was getting paranoid.
I was still hanging in there though. Made some friends and just when I was getting better and getting back on track and becoming my old self again, college came.
I now realized that I wasn't really good with change; change as in change in setting, I wasn't really good at adapting. I went back to my quiet state. This time though, it was met with aggressiveness where I was constantly teased; not always directly but you know it was you who they are referring to. I paid no attention to those name callings cause I thought it was childish and it wasn't true. I'm not gay at the slightest so I wasn't affected at all. In fact in my head, they just want to use that to avoid taking on what's more evident which is my sickness. I actually thought that was nice of them cause at that point I was a bit sensitive to it. (Look up Trimethylaminuria)
Six months into college I was getting annoyed at the almost constant teasing. The thing about me is that I wasn't really a patient person. Not patient in terms of those kinds of childish accusations. I thought that the "homo" teasing wasn't really affecting me but I was wrong cause over time, I was getting paranoid to the point that everywhere I go I would think that people is thinking I am gay it frustrated the hell out of me. So by that time I had my "sickness" and this paranoia to deal with. Just use your imagination. So that's the end of my first college. I was expelled.
Over time it got worse. I can't look at people's eyes anymore. I felt ashamed of something I was not. I also had to deal with my disorder. I became religious which was just the help I needed. It strengthened me; I was 20. That was the start of me getting a hold of the reigns again. Church life is both a blessing and a curse. Church people as you may know are MUCH MORE judgmental than other people.
Fast forward to today; I'm 23. I am doing A LOT better now. I am much more confident. My sickness doesn't affect me that much anymore. I still have this feeling that people think I'm gay every once in a while but It doesn't really affect me as a person. The only hard part right now is making friends cause people just don't understand my disorder. But I'm a way better person than before. If someone says something bad I know that it's because they don't know about it nor do they understand. I still have quiet episodes where I just don't want to talk.
But I'm not going to lie. It still bothers me that people think I'm gay. That every once in a while I can't look at a person's eyes without feeling awkward or the urge to look away. When I do have eye-to-eye contact sometimes I feel like laughing even though the conversation is serious. Even with my Ex but that was different cause she knows everything about me.
I don't need to prove anything to people so I just let them do what they want as long as it doesn't cause me harm. But damn how I wish it was easy to get along with people. I still have "shy" tendencies but hanging in there.
Sorry for the long novel hehe. Just happy to have found this site is all.
