Newtype
Well-known member
I guess this is the only place where I can write about myself and people will actually believe it.
I am 22 years old. I have been alone since I was 12 years old. I spent all of my secondary school and all of my college without talking to anyone other than a few people I know and without anyone talking to me other than to ask me a question or work on a school project. I've never had a real friend since I was 12 years old, just people that I see at school and talked to sometimes but I never did anything with them outside of school. I have always been in my corner, alone, doing my own things. I have always eaten alone. I have never had a girlfriend. No girl has ever talked to me. I don't know what it's like to have a girl talk to you. I have never left my house other than to go to school. I have never gone out anywhere. I have never had a job. My whole life, I just watched people living their lives. When I am alone, I look around me and see all those happy people talking to each other. They're all smiling and laughing. I do not understand them. I hear what they talk about, but I still don't understand.
When I'm in my room, I sometimes close my eyes and reflect on my past and the things I've done. I have regrets, I try to understand but I can't. I imagine having a sweet, beautiful girl in my arms but something inside of me is always there to remind me that this is the kind of thing only normal people can have, then I feel depressed. When someone comes close to me, I get really nervous. When I have to talk to someone, I start shaking. What I hate the most is talking on the phone. I never use the phone. Just thinking about it makes my hands sweaty. When there are many people around me, I get dizzy a little. I try not to have anyone notice me or look at me in the eyes. If I have to leave the house, I always make sure that I look as best as I can. That can take a long time. I don't want other people to see my imperfections. I have never had an honest smile.
I didn't have an adolescence. I still haven't tasted adulthood. I don't know what kind of future I will have. I didn't finish college. All those years of living this way made me too depressed to be able to study so I failed. I don't feel like a man. I feel like a boy in a man's body. I like the Internet. It lets me see what I can't see with my own eyes and it lets me talk with other people. I met a girl who was exactly like me on the Internet a few years ago. I was happy not to be the only one. However, she tried to have a normal life and it didn't work and she disappeared. I hope she didn't commit suicide.
I don't wanna be like this anymore. I just don't know what to do. When I have to talk to someone or when someone talks to me, I don't know what to say. I do not understand what they want from me. I don't understand them, their intentions, I don't even understand myself. How come everybody knows how to talk but not me? Most of the time, I don't even know what's going on around me. Everything is happening so fast and I can't keep up. I just follow everyone blindly and I don't have the courage to impose my personality on anyone or anything. I wouldn't even know why I'd have to do that in the first place.
This was very hard to write because I really don't understand myself or why I was born this way. It's like I was born with a missing brain piece. I also feel very ashamed of myself. My family is ashamed of me. They don't even call me by my name anymore, they just call me "the other". I don't know if what I have is SAD. To me, the name is not important. I just wish I could understand other people.
I am 22 years old. I have been alone since I was 12 years old. I spent all of my secondary school and all of my college without talking to anyone other than a few people I know and without anyone talking to me other than to ask me a question or work on a school project. I've never had a real friend since I was 12 years old, just people that I see at school and talked to sometimes but I never did anything with them outside of school. I have always been in my corner, alone, doing my own things. I have always eaten alone. I have never had a girlfriend. No girl has ever talked to me. I don't know what it's like to have a girl talk to you. I have never left my house other than to go to school. I have never gone out anywhere. I have never had a job. My whole life, I just watched people living their lives. When I am alone, I look around me and see all those happy people talking to each other. They're all smiling and laughing. I do not understand them. I hear what they talk about, but I still don't understand.
When I'm in my room, I sometimes close my eyes and reflect on my past and the things I've done. I have regrets, I try to understand but I can't. I imagine having a sweet, beautiful girl in my arms but something inside of me is always there to remind me that this is the kind of thing only normal people can have, then I feel depressed. When someone comes close to me, I get really nervous. When I have to talk to someone, I start shaking. What I hate the most is talking on the phone. I never use the phone. Just thinking about it makes my hands sweaty. When there are many people around me, I get dizzy a little. I try not to have anyone notice me or look at me in the eyes. If I have to leave the house, I always make sure that I look as best as I can. That can take a long time. I don't want other people to see my imperfections. I have never had an honest smile.
I didn't have an adolescence. I still haven't tasted adulthood. I don't know what kind of future I will have. I didn't finish college. All those years of living this way made me too depressed to be able to study so I failed. I don't feel like a man. I feel like a boy in a man's body. I like the Internet. It lets me see what I can't see with my own eyes and it lets me talk with other people. I met a girl who was exactly like me on the Internet a few years ago. I was happy not to be the only one. However, she tried to have a normal life and it didn't work and she disappeared. I hope she didn't commit suicide.
I don't wanna be like this anymore. I just don't know what to do. When I have to talk to someone or when someone talks to me, I don't know what to say. I do not understand what they want from me. I don't understand them, their intentions, I don't even understand myself. How come everybody knows how to talk but not me? Most of the time, I don't even know what's going on around me. Everything is happening so fast and I can't keep up. I just follow everyone blindly and I don't have the courage to impose my personality on anyone or anything. I wouldn't even know why I'd have to do that in the first place.
This was very hard to write because I really don't understand myself or why I was born this way. It's like I was born with a missing brain piece. I also feel very ashamed of myself. My family is ashamed of me. They don't even call me by my name anymore, they just call me "the other". I don't know if what I have is SAD. To me, the name is not important. I just wish I could understand other people.
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Welcome to SPW! I hope you will find the understanding you seek, in here.
