winnifred
New member
I found this site lastnight, when I almost had a serious meltdown and relapse, and I decided to google how I felt.
Yesterday, I found out that if you fill out financial aid in the fall, it works for the following winter, but if you fill it out in the winter, it doesnt actually work for the following fall. I found this out a month after the deadline, and now I feel like the most aweful rotten daughter ever. I feel like its silly that I think this way, but I cant stop. I cant handle failure, I cant handle life. Im always afraid that some day down the road I'm gonna hit something I really cant handle at all, and I dont know what will happen.
My stepmom always says Im doing so well considering I spent most of my formative teen years in the remote mountains of southern oregon alone. My mom decided during her crsis/menopause that religion was the only thing mattered, and movng to the mountains was the only way we would survive the nuclear blasts of the appocalypse. (really)
so she dragged me out west with her crazy boyfriend and homeschooled me. I didnt learn anything. All I did was tell myself that I was happy alone.
I was always kinda strange as a kid, being the product of two artist/desgners, but I sort of fit in. I would tell my mom that I wanted to go to school, and she would tell me things like no one would talk to me, they would all make fun of me, and that going to school would ultmately corrupt me and send me to hell in the end.
It took until I was 18, and met my boyfriend in Michigan while visiting my dad, to get out of there. he knocked some sense into me and helped me reconstruct some of my social skills.
I can manage talking to people now and I find that Im very comfortable being the center of attention/loud crazy one, but when it comes to things like how Im going to live my life, and what Im going to do with my life a year from now when Im out of school, I get so nervous I feel like Im going to be sick. I dont have any friends beyond my boyfriend, and I dont really want any. really, I have difficulties makng/keeping friends all together, and I would be fine If i never socialized wth anyone alse ever again. I hate going to the mall, or to bars, and I always feel like someones watchng me, and judging me. I didnt know that other people felt like this until now. I thought I was just two steps from crazy and pretty close to falling off the edge.
I feel extremely stupid and selfish for thinkng this way, but I guess thats normal lol. I also feel rather whiney for explaning my lfe to people dont even know, but whatever. just hope that I will beable to learn what worked for other people, and somehow make it through life.
So that pretty much me. I would rather live out the rest of my life as a dog, however. or perhaps a cat. because my dog looks rather content to roll around n the grass and throw her frisbee. I feel like Id be good at that.
Yesterday, I found out that if you fill out financial aid in the fall, it works for the following winter, but if you fill it out in the winter, it doesnt actually work for the following fall. I found this out a month after the deadline, and now I feel like the most aweful rotten daughter ever. I feel like its silly that I think this way, but I cant stop. I cant handle failure, I cant handle life. Im always afraid that some day down the road I'm gonna hit something I really cant handle at all, and I dont know what will happen.
My stepmom always says Im doing so well considering I spent most of my formative teen years in the remote mountains of southern oregon alone. My mom decided during her crsis/menopause that religion was the only thing mattered, and movng to the mountains was the only way we would survive the nuclear blasts of the appocalypse. (really)
so she dragged me out west with her crazy boyfriend and homeschooled me. I didnt learn anything. All I did was tell myself that I was happy alone.
I was always kinda strange as a kid, being the product of two artist/desgners, but I sort of fit in. I would tell my mom that I wanted to go to school, and she would tell me things like no one would talk to me, they would all make fun of me, and that going to school would ultmately corrupt me and send me to hell in the end.
It took until I was 18, and met my boyfriend in Michigan while visiting my dad, to get out of there. he knocked some sense into me and helped me reconstruct some of my social skills.
I can manage talking to people now and I find that Im very comfortable being the center of attention/loud crazy one, but when it comes to things like how Im going to live my life, and what Im going to do with my life a year from now when Im out of school, I get so nervous I feel like Im going to be sick. I dont have any friends beyond my boyfriend, and I dont really want any. really, I have difficulties makng/keeping friends all together, and I would be fine If i never socialized wth anyone alse ever again. I hate going to the mall, or to bars, and I always feel like someones watchng me, and judging me. I didnt know that other people felt like this until now. I thought I was just two steps from crazy and pretty close to falling off the edge.
I feel extremely stupid and selfish for thinkng this way, but I guess thats normal lol. I also feel rather whiney for explaning my lfe to people dont even know, but whatever. just hope that I will beable to learn what worked for other people, and somehow make it through life.
So that pretty much me. I would rather live out the rest of my life as a dog, however. or perhaps a cat. because my dog looks rather content to roll around n the grass and throw her frisbee. I feel like Id be good at that.
welcome to the site.
